It Happened To Me: my "abuse survivor" BF was a sexual monster When the things I experienced in the bedroom didn't match his abuse survivor persona, I decided to look into his past.

He was introduced to me by mutual female friends, who knew and trusted him. "Great guy" – and he seemed like it. He was handsome, tall, educated, he opened doors and walked on the street side of the sidewalk. He took me on real dates and paid for everything without hesitation.

On the dates he opened up to me about why he hadn't been in a real relationship for a while: his ex girlfriend had been abusive.

The abuser had been a member of a different sorority than me, so I didn't know her, but I knew enough negative things about that sorority that I was happy to believe that one of their members was abusive. He also told me that after they broke up she warned all her sisters that he tried to rape her, and it really hurt his feelings and made him paranoid about trusting women again.

He assured me that the rumors were completely false and that they never even had sex.

I felt so bad for what he had gone through, and consoled him about it. I knew what it felt like to be abused, so having this shared suffering made me feel closer to him.

And all was well. Until we got into bed together, about two weeks into our relationship.

The second the bedroom door closed, he turned from polite gentleman into a sexually aggressive fiend. We had jokingly talked a little about rough sex when he had accidentally found my erotica, but not made any commitment – not even arranged a safe word. So I was bewildered when he just threw me around like a doll and did whatever he pleased with my body. I had stopped being a woman with agency and was now just a piece of meat.

At one point I asked to be on top because he was jackhammering me and I was in pain. He totally ignored me and kept hammering. He was over a foot taller than me and very physically fit, so I couldn't do anything to stop him other than meekly ask.

And he didn't stop.

It was one of the worst sexual experiences of my life. After that I ditched BDSM entirely as even remote possibilities and threw my kinky miscellany in the trash – even the gag gifted leather whip. If this is what a "great guy" can do without any implements, imagine what a fully levelled pain daddy can inflict with abusive tools like handcuffs and butt plugs. I shudder to think of what could have happened if he had been aware of the whip hiding in the bottom drawer.

The next day, I texted the girl who set me up with him and told her what had happened. She upheld that he was a "really great guy" and his ex was "crazy." There's that word again – "great" guy.

I couldn't let go of this dichotomy of his non-bedroom self and his bedroom self. So next I tracked his ex down on insta and sent her a DM saying that I had a bad experience with this guy and needed to know if I was crazy or not.

Her side of the story was shockingly familiar, but with a twist. When he had pushed her boundaries and didn't stop when she said no, she punched him in the face. She got her stuff and started to leave. When he tried to keep her there, she hit him again.

Unlike me, this girl is a collegiate softball player and has a hell of a right swing.

Still, this is the abuse he faced. He basically attempted to rape a women and she hit him in self defense. This is why he had "trust issues." This is why he "wanted to take things slow" (not sex, just relationships).

Moral of the story?

Believe women.

Believe women when they say a man is abusive. Be skeptical when women say a male friend is a "great guy" – he might have them tricked too, or they could be under the Cockholm syndrome spell. And when a guy tells you a sob story about how much his ex hurt him, remember that her side of the story is probably very different.

Join the conversation 💬

29 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">It Happened To Me: my "abuse survivor" BF was a sexual monster</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">When the things I experienced in the bedroom didn't match his abuse survivor persona, I decided to look into his past.</span>”

  1. We are all guilty, when war broke out men pilaged and raped, but woman would make the bullets. :/ no one walks away clean.

    Reply
  2. I learnt this the hard way thanks to my abusive, manipulative ex. Similar scenario: the sob story of being wronged by his ex, meanwhile he was the bastard all along.

    Reply
  3. In once dated a recently divorced man who told me horror stories of his ex who had “narcissistic personality disorder”, “used sex to manipulate me”, “gaslit me all the time”. He didn’t come up with this himself, his therapist walked him through all of his feelings and explained them to him.

    PLOT TWIST: he was a freaking nut job and I spent a night drunk on his couch crying after he berated me for hours for not sleeping with him but I was a whore because I’ve slept with other men who were not him.

    Reply
    • DON’T date traumatized men or men who’ve had bad experiences with women in general, because they will treat you exactly like the woman that hurt them.

      Reply
  4. Men are very very quick to play the victim and the worst thing: they throughly believe their own story.

    When I was 15 I was lightly dating a guy my age. We flirted at an event and tussled, he repeatedly lifted me up from behind, holding my arms down so I couldn't move, although I told him to stop. It was frustrating. The third time I freed my arm, reached behind me while he lifted me and lightly slapped him so he let me down. He stormed off, I didn't understand why.

    He then told everyone I hit him in the face and wouldn't talk to me for days. When I said I'm sorry he reluctantly met again and wouldn't let go of it, insisting I had hit him. I put myself down although I knew I did nothing wrong just to appease his ego. Sure enough it didn't last but the story of me hitting a guy for nothing made the rounds at my school.

    Reply
  5. Exactly, I will always say it:

    what men call "abuse" or "being burnt" is just them failing to break our boundaries, failing to control us, any type of boundary is considered as "painful" in their eyes, because it hurts their narcissistic ego, not because they really went through abuse

    what women call abuse is literally any emotional and/or physical abuse that another person inflicted on us

    The difference is just mind blowing.

    It shows also that men have such a sensitive ego that they would NEVER go through the shit they do to us.

    Reply
  6. If I recall the statistic accurately (it is rightfully a very low number) only about 3% of abuse/assault accusations are false. But the amount of people that disbelieve any accusation is honestly like 75% (not a real statistic, but one I learned from my own life lol). It’s hard for actual abuse/assault victims to be upfront because a lot of these instances are private. It becomes “he said, she said” even if this girl shows evidence of abuse. Like wtf! Also, we live in a society where men aren’t held accountable for their actions. If he is harassing a girl, people dote and say, “Keep pursuing her! Your confidence will attract her!”

    Reputation plays a big role. If we tell someone it happened to us, our reputations are threatened if people decide it’s not true. Then the perpetrators reputation looks great because their feelings are “hurt :(“. We also get scared of reimagining the situation like, “what if I’m wrong? What if this and this actually happened?”

    It is shitty that your friend even knowing there is a story of him and his “ex” floating around would still claim he’s a great guy even when you come back with a story similar to hers.

    And to add, if he’s holding you down while you’re trying to communicate and stop the current actions, that is assault. You expressed disinterest, withdrew consent from that particular activity, and he refused. We are allowed to withdraw or add consent whenever the hell we want! I’m so sorry that low value male POS did that to you and her. Good for you for telling the story despite backlash. It’ll reach out somewhere. And good on his “ex” for being a queen

    Reply
  7. I have a similar story. My ex’s baby mama reached out to me, and told me that he was mentally abd physically an abuser, and a narcissist. I didn’t believe her because he was so nice, and accommodating to me. He always gave me money, and showed me affection.

    Then one day, he hit me after I tried to leave him. I was in shock. After a year of a fantasy, the demon revealed himself. I stayed because I was financially dependent on him. But girl! One day, idk what spirit took over me but I literally packed my shit and left. It felt like a fog that day. All I remember was being on auto pilot.

    A few months later, his new chick calls me. I told her his it was. She said what I said

    ‘I’m different, that won’t happen to me’

    Months later, we spoke again, and she told me how they ‘tussled’, and she had a miscarriage.

    DEFINITELY believe what you hear. EVEN FROM THEM.

    I had dudes tell me they had restraining orders put against them for unreasonable reasons. Just because ‘they were mad’

    They literally will tell you the truth, and manipulate it to make them seem like the victim.

    Reply
  8. I am so sorry for what you and the sorority sister experienced at the hands of this rapist. You deserve so much more than this—all women do.

    I once counseled a couple where the husband was sobbing that he was being abused at home. I was rightly concerned, and I was about to get into calling the police, etc. when the details came out that the wife didn't want to have relations that evening, but he kept pushing it to the point of physically restraining her from the waist down, so she fought back and gave him a black eye. He told me all of this, all teary-eyed, expecting me to side with him because she "violated" him. I wanted to throw him out of my office, but managed to be a professional about it (at the time).

    Reply
    • I keep reading counseling sessions similar to this one and it really makes me wonder if I could possibly hack it as a Licensed Independent Social Worker.

      More and more, the answer is no.

      Reply
      • I was never a "born" social worker so I was pretty sure I wasn't a lifer, even when I was in my MSW program. However, I really felt called to work with women (my BA is interdisciplinary study with a focus on women), and counseling kept coming up when I brainstormed, so I went for it. Not for me, just not for me.

        Counseling is great if you want to change; unfortunately, 99% of my clients were women in individual therapy looking to change their current relationship, and that relationship either wasn't one at all, usually discovered when client actually talked to her "partner" or the relationship was DOA for a while with everyone in the relationship playing Weekend at Bernie's. The few women I worked with who wanted to use therapy as a step toward bettering themselves were the light of that work and I think about them all the time, mentally wishing them the best.

        Reply
        • Well, I’m glad you were able to help the few who actually wished to use therapy as a tool for improvement.

          The others sound like those frustrating friends who stay and constantly complain, with no intention of ever taking any actions to rectify their situation(s).

          I’d like to implement both Family Systems and Trauma Systems Therapy, but perhaps it would wise to avoid specializing in Women’s Issues, after what you described.

          Reply
  9. Great advice. Time and time again I've heard abusive ex stories only to have it completely turned around. A friend of mine had a similar experience where the guy talked about his ex threatening him with a false rape case. Except he tried initiating sexting very early (like 4date in) and later tried forcibly kissing her. Thankfully she left before there was any escalation, now i wonder what the real story was.

    Reply
  10. I understand if you're uncomfortable with framing it this way about yourself, but what he did to both of you, and certainly to her if that is all you want to look at, was rape. Not simply sexual abuse or manipulation. freaking someone who said no is the most clear cut rape there is, and you both did say no. Which makes it doubly horrifying that he would pretend it was some kind of false accusation.

    It is not uncommon that men make up these sob stories. We all know about "she was crazy" as the mild, generic one, but they do this too, extreme as it seems. Another one is pretending to have had abusive parents and/or to have been sexually abused as children as an excuse for domestic violence - not only is it not an acceptable excuse when it is true, they are generally just making it up. I think I read this in Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

    I'm so sorry he did that to you. Your advice is great. They do this shit because it is very likely to work if we don't know about it. I think we know women don't tend to lie about abuse and we wrongly assume that's true for men, too. And the instinct to be kind is a great thing but we need to know the truth to have any chance at protecting ourselves.

    Reply
    • Everything you said is true. I know that it was really rape, it’s just hard to say that. We did turn in an anonymous report on him to the university but to my knowledge nothing ever happened, what did actually go well was telling my sorority sisters that the rumors about him were true, and now no sorority girl on campus trusts him. It’s definitely hard to talk about, because it only happened 6 months ago, but I really don’t want other empathetic women to buy into that crap.

      Reply
      • I would personally go to the police and leave the report - even if you don't press charges. They'll at least have a paper trail if another woman comes forward with a story about abuse. And if he's done this twice already (he's probably done it more than twice), he will do so again.

        Universities don't seem to care about these things. It's well-documented that they push these things under the rug and protect men who continuously traumatize women. For all you know, they didn't even bother saving the report at all.

        I know going to the police can be daunting, but I wish more women in university bypassed the university altogether when reporting rape - the university generally won't do anything at all. They, overall, do not care. The police often don't either, but at least their system is tied to a legitimate legal system (rather than some goofy campus tribunal that means nothing).

        Reply
  11. So sorry to hear that.

    99% of the time when a man claims he was abused and that his ex was "crazy," he was actually the crazy abuser. It's so likely in fact, that the abuse books I've read say this is a red flag and that you should seek the other person's POV before passing judgement or assuming that his version is even remotely close to reality.

    I don't doubt that there are some men out there who have been truly abused by a female partner. But 1) they're rare 2) they're not using the abuse they've experienced as an excuse for their shitty behavior.

    Reply
    • Also who mention being abused so early? To me that’s a convo you have with people you trust, so if one opens up about abuse very early on it’s a red flag.

      Reply
      • People who are actually abused are hesitant to bring up their past because they do not want to relive the guilty, the shame, and the trauma.

        Anyone who is so eager to talk about "their abuse" to a practical stranger is 110% a manipulative POS jerking off to fictional victimhood in an attempt to gain sympathy (and pity-pussy).

        Reply
        • I disagree in general. I am very open about the abuse I suffered. I figure I have room to improve myself to protect myself, but only the man who abused me should be the one feeling any shame.

          And I wish to normalize open discussion of abuse. I find that when I openly communicate, other women feel comfortable speaking of the abuse they too have suffered at the hands of men. This is especially important for younger women and girls to hear and know: before it happens to them.

          But maybe you meant your statement to only apply within the context of dating? In which case I completely agree with your statement.

          Reply
          • No, I think sharing trauma and abuse with trusted women, especially those with similar experiences, is an essential part of the recovery process.

            Well, if it is for an advocacy cause and at the appropriate time and place then that's completely different. Spreading public awareness is different from private pillow talks.

            Reply
    • Which book? If that’s true, I’m freaked out! My ex says to anyone who will listen that I am the only one who ever “physically assaulted” anyone in our relationship... which is technically true. I hit him because he was blocking my path and telling me “what are you going to do? Hit me? Go ahead” and after a few additional taunting times of him saying that to me, I punched him! I only ever did that once, but he taunted me like that all the time. I somehow lost my way with him, but I’m back to my old self. I wouldn’t have ever thought of that being a red flag for other women, but it certainly is for me... and if it’s an industry known thing, I now know what professionals think when he whines about the one time I hit him, outside of the whole 10 inches taller, 80lbs heavier, male vs female thing. Yikes.

      Reply
      • Not the person you asked sorry, but the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a must-read about domestic violence and abuse and it talks about the abuser telling people they are actually the victim. For example, the abuser doesn't see his own actions as abuse, so if his victim retaliates or tries to protect herself she must therefore be the abusive one suddenly hitting him/yelling at him/etc out of nowhere. Eye-opening book, I highly recommend. I'm so sorry you went through that with your ex btw. Glad you're in a better place now.

        Reply
      • I get you. My ex actually pushed/restrained/punched me on many occasions, but he did that same thing.. he would harp on about times that he restrained me and then got flicked or slapped from me scrambling to try and get away. He would always say it was self defence on his part, that I did something to him or threatened him first. So if you WERE the first to hit? Oh boy, they'll have a field day with that. But the thing is blocking you from exiting is restraint and is considered domestic violence.

        Most of any slight thing that happened to him was self defence from ME, but there was also a time I threw a glass at him because he'd just pushed me against a wall, blocked my path, threatened me, then wouldn't let me go to bed even though I had work in the morning. I then went to bed and he grabbed my ankles and dragged me out of bed onto the floor. I went to the living room and was crying, then went back to the bedroom and he was asleep snoring. I grabbed a glass that was there and threw it at him in anger. I admit that was abusive, it was revenge more than self defence, and I did that. He reminded me of that every time he hit me, he could punch me in the head or ribs and I'd cry and he'd say "YOU THREW A CUP AT ME AND MADE ME BLEED, HAVE I EVER MADE YOU BLEED? YOU ARE THE ABUSER HERE". The way I threw the glass hit his glasses that he still had on, his glasses bumped his nose and caused a very tiny cut.

        He was a foot taller and 100 lbs heavier than me and had hit/pushed/shoved me so many times with zero provocation from me, but me throwing that cup once, even after he'd already been violent 30 mins prior, was somehow my demise or somehow meant all of his crazy violence was justified. But he was always egging me on to physically assault him but I didn't, 99% of the time. I think he wanted me to be more violent to him because he knew I couldn't significantly hurt him in a typical altercation and I think he was looking for a reason to seriously injure or kill me. But his Christian self needed to believe it was self defence so he was just waiting for me to escalate so that he could.

        After I kicked him out, he got some girl pregnant and they had the baby. Everyone except my family still think he's a good guy. I have urges to name and shame him but he has nude pics, video porn, and fake twisted "evidence" against me like videos that show the second half of an altercation where I'm holding a knife because I had been chopping vegetables when he came up and started being violent. He grabbed my hand and held the "weapon" in my hand, I couldn't even drop it. Or there were times where I went to bed with a knife beside me because I was terrified, or walked down the hall with that knife in case he jumped out and threatened me, which he did. I held the knife downwards, not aiming it at him. He recorded it all, even if I wasn't dressed. I started taking a knife to bed because he often assaulted me in bed, and he was already accusing me of threatening with knives in regard to the chopping vegetables/running up from behind and restraining me incidents.. so I thought well I may as well start keeping them by me for protection if hes already saying I threaten him with them. I was clearly playing into his master manipulation. God.

        I prayed to God to make him go back to America, because by the time we separared and I started dating someone else, he was threatening to kill me and the guy. He wasn't showing any intention of going back to the US and I was so scared at the thought of him living by me indefinitely. Then my mum got a call that he got this chick pregnant and is moving to ANOTHER country that she originally comes from. I was like thank you Jesus. I was angry that he keeps getting citizenships out of being with women... but thankful that he'd be gone. That's the only good thing that came out of me dropping charges against him. I regretted that because there was no justice, but his lack of criminal record is what enabled him to move to the third country and away from us.

        I do have audio of him being vile but I can't legally show anyone. I sometimes wish I could encapsulate what happened into a tube like they do in Harry Potter, and show the whole world what he did. Because it left me permanently damaged physically and mentally. Some days I forgive him and wish him well, and other days wish the most horrible things on him and his new family. I don't truly want anyone to suffer, bit I do wish God would take my physical and emotional pain and give it to him. I feel that would be fair.

        I just let it out now, obviously. It took a few years post separation for me to realize how much it damaged me because I just assumed I'd leave him and my life will be great from then on, bit as my issues kept increasing and not getting better, the resentment grew even more.

        I admit I use anonymous comments to rant about this pain and I hope people will just skim over it and that it doesn't irritate them. But these are the real reasons some women are coming here. Because we have been hurt... bad.

        Reply

Add to the conversation