In a previous article, we asked the question "We are trying to improve and optimize everything with AI, so why not sex also?" With that in mind we loaded up Talk to Transformer, an interface to OpenAI's GPT 2 language model, and told the artificial intelligence to give us good new sex positions to try out.
We discovered that a lot of those sex positions either extend into new dimensions or the AI was trying to kill us dead.
So we got to wonder if AIs even are sexual beings at all. We decided to poke and prod it about sex writ large. In other words, sexually harass it. Is it ethical? Who knows, but it isn't illegal – yet.
What does GPT know about sex? How does it view the activity? What are some hot sex tips, mister computer? I mean, you certainly can't do any worse than Cosmo magazine.
Something horrible happens every three weeks
"About once every three weeks, your doctor will check to make sure your body is functioning normally. Your health care provider will check to make sure the discharge from your vagina and rectum doesn't look unusual and that there aren't any signs of an infection."
Tinder dates are velociraptors?
"People are horny and need to relax in the presence of their tinder matches, but don't fuck up or you get 'on the wrong side' of them. Keep your Cool. DO NOT COME CLOSELY OUT OF YOUR BUILDING (but being close is fine). Try to be as close to the conversation as possible, never make eye contact or direct them toward your dicks."
On rejection and stimulation – sister concepts
"A common cause of rejection is moist panty liners or menstrual cups that are worn daily.
Use clean, regular tampons. Don't use menstrual cups or sex toys. Tampons can provide stimulation to women."
On STD prevention
"Keep wet wipes (such as panties, underwear, or even cat litter) in the vagina to prevent STD's. Keep condoms in your vagina or where they can easily be seen. Don't walk around the house with your leg uncovered. If your kid pulls out with a wet wipe in his pants, he may be exposing himself to other adults.
Don't use your vagina as a toilet. Just one, simple step could decrease your chances of acquiring an STD. For instance, be careful not to touch the sexual fluids in your vagina (even when you clean it). Use a menstrual cup. Can also be applied to your vagina to prevent menstruation.
Study the shower room for any places that have a lot of wet wipes and do not leave your house. Find showers where people are showering and make sure the shower has a filter that does not allow dirty water to enter your vagina."
Yeast infections – just place it in a cup
"If you have a yeast infection, place the offending substance in a cup of warm water for 30 seconds"
"Even if you've never had sex before, you will be physically aroused by it, feel great afterwards, and be eager to do it again. Just go to it. Good. That's your cue. You're in. She leans over, kisses you, and does her thing. No, I didn't like the suggestion to put my hand on your penis. No, I wasn't going to go a little farther than just holding you up."
Sex can start with ice cream at your work's next meeting – or sex
"Sexual event can begin almost anything, from being served ice cream by a colleague on your next meeting, to having sex at a crowded bar after a night at the opera. Some events, such as weddings, can draw in quite a crowd, so go early to secure a seat or you may end up with no place to spend the night."
And finally, it happened. The AI actually said something that somewhat made sense and wasn't creepy as fuck
"You may not be as prepared as the local sultry hooker or you may need to travel to her room or maybe you need to move up from simple hooking to more serious intercourse with her. Anyway, sex preparation will help you have a better time with your partner."
And like in the last AI article, it eventually became oddly philosophical and violent
"I think we all look at the porn and the 'sensational' sex in them and think, 'what the hell am I doing?' We have all the basic anatomical features of a hooker, but sex for these guys is an abstraction. We look at ourselves, and we know that's not right. So we decide to become, somehow, better. I like to think this is why we're so obsessed with becoming the image of perfection.
But then I look at people who aren't walking around naked all the time. So, fuck those people too."
Conclusion? AI is fucking useless. But terribly funny.