Around 4 years ago, I was a vendor on the darknet.
It was a relatively shortlived thing, I was just doing it because I was too lazy to get a job and at the time didn't want to settle for the 9-to-5 thing.
I wanted to start my own business, and use the drug money as a start up. I had been using myself for years, along with that I met lots of people into the dealing scene, and eventually started dealing myself. I have a lot of anxiety though, so I hated meeting up with people in parking lots and I definitely didn't want anyone to know where I lived.
That's when I read about the Silk Road, and Ross Ulbricht being caught. Got obsessed with the idea of it, got obsessed with learning OPSEC, all with the goal of eventually using my connections to start up my store.
Well, after a couple of months, I did. I started my store with 3 drugs: ketamine, meth, and some outdoor weed my buddy was getting for super cheap.
All was going good for a few months, had a couple thousand get stolen in an exit scam, but I had about $25,000 saved at that point so it didn't ruin my life like a few vendors I knew of.
Eventually, I met a local connect that came into town only once a week, but had fucking ANYTHING I wanted. Mescaline, LSD, mushrooms, PCP, even... and... fentanyl. At the time, people weren't REALLY cutting heroin with fentanyl. I mean, I'm sure people did plenty, but it was not nearly as commonplace now. People just... did fentanyl. And still do.
An important detail for what follows: I would put all my customers' addresses into an excel spreadsheet along with their name, zip code, order, along with the amount.
At the time, I was selling some super white powdered mescaline. The fentanyl was also a white powder. Very similar consistency.
Long story short, my Excel fucked up, or I fucked up, and about 7 peoples mescaline orders were filled in as fentanyl orders.
They all went out – I didn't notice and kept doing my thing for a few days.
After about 5 days, someone contacted me and told me their friend died from my mescaline. I immediately called bullshit, and went to check my order log and scale up how much I had of my mescaline left.
Well, I had about 11 grams more than I should have. I still don't know how the fuck it could have happened. I wasn't a user, but I was definitely high off dabs.
I went to check my order log on the market to see if anyone had finalized on their purchase, and a couple of them were.. but none from a specific day. Including the person that messaged me. No one that had purchased mescaline that day had finalized their orders. The market I was on also had a feature to see the users last activity, and none of them had logged in in at least 3 days. Most 2 days.
I immediately deactivated my vendor account. I didn't even need confirmation, I knew what happened.
I knew I had just killed several people.
I sold the rest of my drugs, converted my bitcoin to cash, and moved the fuck away. Didn't speak to anyone for weeks. Found a job in a restaurant, living in a city I always wanted to.
I haven't touched drugs since that day. I haven't had anything to do with that life since then.
I still think about them. Every night. I saved their names and Googled them a few days later. I was able to find info on 4 customers that definitely died. One customer shared it with a friend. They both died.
I don't know why I'm even posting this, mainly because I have no one to tell, and even if I did, I don't think I could.
I spend my days sober. Clocking into work. Clocking out of work. Coming home. Playing video games.
I'm a complete recluse. People I used to know have distanced themselves immensely, and I know it's because I'm a shell of my former self. I can't help it.
Could I even tell a therapist about this? I don't feel like I deserve to be alive. Am I really living anyway? I don't even know anymore. Maybe this will help me feel better.
Confession via r/confessions.