How often have you heard the phrase, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about!”? The saying reminds us to move through life with as much empathy and understanding for others as we tend to afford for ourselves, thereby making the world a better place for all. It's a noble philosophy that we should all strive for.
But should you be kind to your significant other when they have crossed a line not to be crossed?
The answer to that question depends on the transgression. In this piece we are going to assume it's a major one, because we've canvased our friend circles for their absolutely wickedest naughty man punishments and man-ipulation tactics. If you're been wronged in any non-trivial way, don't be afraid to apply these methods to your own relationship. Remember that this is your way of letting your man know that you are not happy with his actions, and that it stops as soon as he gets the message loud and clear.
#1. Host a charitable fundraiser on football night
Why not host a fundraiser at your house? On football night, of course, and for such a good cause that he can't reasonably object. And naturally, you being only a mere woman, you need his big strong help to pull it off.
You could host a yoga fundraiser for a local poor family. Not only will you get to bond with all of the moms, but you will also be helping a family that is going through a rough time. You could invite all the disabled kids for disability bingo, offering great prizes wrangled from local businesses. The possibilities are endless in this classic "ruin football night" move.
#2. Upload his nudes to the blockchain and playfully remind him you might accidentally release the private keys
There are many sites on the dark web where you can upload to or even create a cryptocurrency. You see, crypto isn't just bitcoin and dog coins. You can use blockchain to store any kind of data – including the embarassing pics of your hubby in that BDSM suit you awkwardly tried for one night and then threw out without speaking of it ever again.
This method of punishment comes with a bonus: when you tell him what you have done and the implications this could have for him, he will finally understand that women are great in tech, and should get hired more.
#3. Have a well timed mental breakdown
This one is for the women who love some umph in their drama. In this one, you fake a lifechanging psychotic break from reality – hours before his big meeting at work.
You can have so much fun with this one, for example with ominous foreshadowing. Send him a text with all sorts of nonsensical numbers and money symbols. When he asks what it means, question *his* sanity. You never sent that text. Is he threatening you? Which leads us to...
#4. Gaslight him
You ever notice how, when you are starting to believe that you are losing it, you will tell yourself a thousand and one times that you really, truly did not do that? That is what gaslighting is fundamentally about and it's hellaciously annoying when it happens by accident (I gaslight myself at least once a day). Now imagine the delightful torture this technique can be when used on purpose.
This just might be the best way to punish a misbehaving man. It's as effective as it is hard to prove. A man who worries about his sanity will be much less likely to engage in psychologically abusive behavior like lying, isolating you from friends, or gaslighting.
Keep in mind, men have all the physical strength – we shouldn't feel bad for playing our home field. Also, everyone gaslights the world around them to some extent, even the man in your life. The trick here is to get him into a state of actually worrying about his sanity on some level.
So how do you do it?
Tell him – insist – that what he just said or did is not what he really said or did. That's it. But the trick is to keep the lie contained to relatively banal things that a normal person would not accurately commit to their best memory regions. You can also rearrange a few (only a few) pieces of furniture or decoration every morning before he wakes up. "Lose" his car keys, and then lose them again.
You can really keep him on his toes with this one.
#6. Make him doubt his worth
In no particular order of devilishness:
A) Ask him about opening the relationship. But here's the trick: only do it in contexts where it's clear you think of him as an inferior male. Good times to make your kinky suggestions include steamy scenes in movies involving shirtless buff hunks, and when you're at the gym. Gently pinch his (wanting) biceps while daydreamily talking about how Jen and John opened up their relationship and it was the best decision they ever made.
B) Look out for any kind of context and opportunity to crowbar in the old platitude that "size doesn't matter" – even if it's in reference to something non-sexual. Tell him often. Preferably in front of friends. It doesn't matter if he actually has an adequate penis. What's he gonna do – whip it out in the middle of the restaurant?
C) Talk about all the nice gifts and vacations your girlfriends get. Wow, imagine if we could afford that. Do you think you'll get promoted soon? Be needlessly stingy when friends are present. When he says it's not necessary, insist you're being prudent and trying to live within your means.
#7. Tell him all your friends keep trying to get you to cheat
We saved the best for last. This punishment is as wicked as it is elegant, yet so easy to pull off.
Pre-seed his mind by telling him your girlfriends are such sluts. And when it's time, let it slip that now they're all telling you to cheat.
That's all there is to this one! You can dress the story up in fun ways, like saying they are passing around this hunk of a man and that they now want you to try his "amazing" bedroom skills.
Of course, you immediately reassure your man you never would act on their horrible suggestion. But this little lie is not only unfalsifiable (the best kind of lie) – it will mercilessly eat away at him until you manually unwind the anxiety hamster in his brain by laughing at him for believing your "joke" to begin with.
So, did you think our punishments are too cruel, or do we have our man-ipulation dialed in just right? Suggest some punishments in the comments or keep an eye out for the Carrot part of our Carrot and Stick mini-series.