6 types of customers you don’t want to deal with in a sex shop

Shout-outs to the people who struck me as the most interesting (and annoying) (and creepy) during my career as a dildo salesperson.
By Anonymous

I have run an online adult goodies store for about 3 years now. To say the least, I have run into some interesting characters in my 3 years of online smut-pandering.

I am about to end my run of naughty knick-knacks and I’d just like to give a shout-out to the people who struck me as the most interesting, funny, annoying and downright memorable. Here goes nothing….

Angry, self-righteous female customer

You placed your order Sunday night. By Monday morning, you were emailing me IN GIANT RED ANGRY LETTERS that you had not received an email telling you that your order had shipped.

I politely emailed you back within minutes stating that orders take about 4 business days to ship out (remember that little button you had to click on that said you read and understood ALL our policies BEFORE you were able to place your order? Well, that little gem was in there!).

You emailed me again less than 45 minutes later stating in GIANT BOLD RED FONTS that you will report my website to the BBB if I didn’t send your order out immediately…hmm, the only way I know to get something right away is to get on the bus/subway/in a cab, high tail it to the adult store of your choice and purchase said items in person.

After your 5th email that day screaming/demanding/threatening, to ship your items or else, I finally told you to take a flying leap off a short bridge and I refunded your money (all $17.99 of it!).

The customer is NOT always right… often times she is a total bitch!

Weirdo who always bought the same dildo

Then canceled his order 15 minutes later.

To respond to your query: NO I don’t know if this is a “good cock.” Even if I bought this particular item for myself, I certainly wouldn’t tell a complete stranger my opinion of it!

After you fifth purchase of this item in less than a month, I finally banned your sorry ass from buying anything at my store again. Every time I have to refund your money, I lose money myself! My credit card processor takes 5% that I will never see again!

You were a man buying a particularly LARGE (John Holmes) dildo… this doesn’t mean that you are gay or anything and frankly I don’t care on way or the other… but from the desperate, seeking emails you sent me and the number of times you asked for a refund, I am guessing that you couldn’t come to grips with whatever angst you were feeling at the times you thought 10 inches of Ultra-Skin would feel REALLY good in your ass.

Woman who bought about $650 worth of stuff at Xmas

Then emails me 6 months later claiming that she only got about half of her order.

Sorry, but most normal people would let me know within a couple weeks of getting a tracking number that most of your order didn’t show up.

Oh, BTW, you had the WHOLE THING sent to one address, so please don’t lie to me and tell me that over half of the people “you had it shipped to” didn’t get their items… how freaking stupid do you think I am?

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I am the only one running this company, so when you tell me to “ask my shipping department what happened,” I don’t have to walk far to make that query.

Strange customers who keep ‘reviewing’ the John Holmes cock

(that is ONE popular item)….I don’t need you posting the same review 500 times! Holy crap, I get it! You LIKE this dick….. This legendary dildo will set you back $50 on Amazon.

People who can’t figure out how the spam folder works…

WE STATE on our front page and BEFORE you place the order that you MUST add us to your address book on your email account to get your confirming email. For some reason we often can’t get through to you. PLEASE don’t email us threatening to call the BBB because you didn’t get an email confirming your purchase of the ZEMALIA 3 in 1 Male Masturbator Pocket Pussy.

We WANT to get that email to you! Trust me, you don’t want to have to explain to the BBB or your credit card company why you are complaining/doing a charge-back for a $28.66 item with 6,500 reviews about how hard they came.

Creepy guy that offered to exchange “web services” for adult products

You wanted the ultra Realistic Butt Pocket Pussy Ass in exchange for helping me “get my website out there.”

I’m not making stuff up here. Realistic Butt Pocket Pussy Ass is $41.99 on Amazon.

…Well, I’m guessing it’s already out there since I get about $3000 worth of business a month — not to mention YOU found it, so I can’t be too far gone in cyber space that no one can hear me scream.

Also, I would feel a little weird setting up a relationship with you based on the knowledge that our first “exchange” of funds was a phony pussy.