What would you do if you found yourself with the power of an ancient mythological deity or monster? You might say you'd use your new-found gifts to make the world a better place, but history has shown us that it doesn't always go down that way.
In fact, the real gods and creatures of lore found themselves using their supernatural skills to, well, get laid mostly. Being immortal must get lonely.
Zeus
Since the ancient Greeks didn't have access to TV, the closest thing they had to a Kardashian was Zeus. And the king of the gods loved layin' some Olympian pipe. He had almost 50 baby mamas.
Zeus wasn't picky; he copulated with goddesses, nymphs and even mortals. He was also a total freak. In what must be the earliest account of a golden shower, Zeus broke into the tower prison of a captive princess named Danae in the form of golden rain.
They did it and the fruit of their sweaty passion was given the name Perseus.
Using perhaps the coolest trick in his arsenal, Zeus disguised himself as the husband of the human woman Alcmene and they had a son together named Heracles (Hercules in Roman mythology). Unfortunately, Zeus's exploits often got him into hot water with his wife Hera back on Mt. Olympus. (And unlike most jilted women, she had cataclysmic powers.)
Keep reading for more unearthly debauchery.
The Incubus/Succubus
A nocturnal emission or wet dream is easily explained today. Back in medieval times, though, they blamed it on demonic forces.
Folklore dating back centuries tells of a demonic creature whose sole purpose is to get it on with people while they sleep. The incubus would sneak into a woman's bedroom, put a spell on her and then proceed with the nasty.
The female version of this demonic nympho was the succubus.
Sex with an incubus or succubus was generally considered bad for you, but not always lethal. If an incubus did it with its victim one time, she would probably be OK. But if the incubus kept takin' it to your girlfriend while you worked nights as a blacksmith or whatever, problems could arise.
Some people believed it would deteriorate your health, while others thought the incubus could actually impregnate women with ghostly demon spawn. In 1953, sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found that nearly 40% of the women he interviewed have had one or more nocturnal orgasms or wet dreams. That's a lot of potential demon spawn.
We're not sure if it works the other way round, but maybe you should sleep with a condom on just in case. The last thing you need is some hellfire-infused beast sayin' you got it pregnant.
Odin
Odin, king of the Norse gods, only had one eye because he traded the other one for infinite wisdom. With his infinite wisdom he came to the conclusion that bumpin' uglies was a fun pastime.
On one of his many sweaty escapades, Odin found himself incredibly turned on by a female jotunn (a type of giant) named Jord (meaning earth/soil, aka Mother Earth, aka hell of a nice booty).
Not worried about her giant baby bunker dwarfing his non-giant member, Odin figured out a physical way to have sex with Jord.
Nine months later, a bouncin' baby Thor was born!
Krishna
The Hindu God Krishna wasn't all about a good time. When Krishna's douchebag uncle Kamsa stepped out of line one too many times, Krishna killed him like Joe Pesci doin' in that mustached gentleman in Goodfellas.
Before making his uncle sleep with the fishes and becoming king, however, Krishna loved to get freaky with the ladies. He had a flute that would allegedly blow the minds of all the womenfolk.
Are you feeling rambunctious yet? That flute was his "in" for quite a few sexual escapades.
Times have changed -- playing the flute hardly ever gets a dude laid now. Uh, unless he's playing for the other team.
Pan
Pan was a Greek god who was all about the party. He liked to drink and run around with his bare erection out, making people uncomfortable.
Pan had a hairy, goat-like appearance, but was cursed with an insane sex drive. He made it work. Much like Krishna, Pan could use his magical flute to get a front row seat in any pair of panties.
He even convinced the moon goddess Selene that bangin' the Pan-meister was a great idea.
All he had to do to convince Selene to come down to the forest was wrap himself in a sheepskin to hide his hairy black goat form. He then dialed his already grandmaster level of seduction to maximum erotic output. She fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Pan got a piece, and Selene then realized that she had banged a creature that looked like Goatboy played by Steve Buscemi.
The Meek-Moos-Ak
The Native American tribe known as the Abenaki had a crazy imagination.
They believed in these short twin creatures called the Meek-moos-ak, who were like two drunk little Danny DeVitos running around, sexing up women and killing hunters.
This gets even more credible and funny because some researchers believe the Meek-Moos-Ak creatures were actually a personification of the competing Miꞌkmaq tribe. According to Abenaki beliefs, once a woman did the deed with the Meek-moos-ak, she was cursed to never desire marriage.
What kind of group psychology was involved here? It must have led to some hilarious questioning of the single women. "Why won't you marry? Did you by any chance have sex with two short monsters lately? Miꞌkmaq bad."
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All these guys seem pretty cool to me. It's pretty surprising that Zeus is only no. 6. In case anyone thinks this stuff is ancient history, it's not. The succubus/incubus is a current psych phenonmenon.
Wonder why they didn't mention the Christian God from the bible. He sure used his powers to hook up with a virgin, and she ended up having his illegitimate child.
Because he was a "gaydolon", which means a God who prefers sex only in the anus or with an animal. Please look these things up before you post. Google is your friend.
You two are probably worse than an uneducated high schooler for(respectively): an ignorant reference on the MIRACULOUS birth of Jesus Christ by the VIRGIN Mary, and using a word--"gaydolon"--and referring to one of the biggest search engines in the world(if not THE biggest) for validation when it doesn't even exist.
And also...the comment both of you made were not ingenious at all if that was your purpose. Major fail for your attempt, but at least you tried.
You should shove stupid comments, such as the ones above, directly up your ass. Yes, Jesus Christ was a "gaydolon". Do you even know why they made him carry the cross on his back to his own crucifixion? Because he was used to having a sh!tload of wood on his backside. I bet you sit in church on Sundays staring at the Jesus statues on the walls, thinking to yourself "Good God, he had some hot-ass abs. I'd l-l-l-lick him like a lollipop." It doesn't matter anyway, because sooner or later we all have to grow up and learn that God DOES NOT exist!