Years ago, when print magazines still had some semblance of a future, Cosmopolitan, a magazine that touts itself as "The Women's Magazine For Fashion, Sex Advice, Dating Tips, And Celebrity News," gained a reputation for printing absurd articles in the realms of fashion, sex advice, dating tips, and celebrity news.
How absurd? They've been referenced in several stand-ups, have scores of parody magazine covers floating around the net, are regular subjects of articles like Cosmo’s 25 dumbest pieces of relationship advice ever, and they also inspired the r/ShitCosmoSays subreddit to be created.
One Redditor asked, "If Cosmo were written for men, what are some of the awful sex and relationship tips they would give us?" The answers do not disappoint, and hilarious Guysmopolitan article title suggestions came in hard and fast.
- HOW TO TURN HER PERIOD INTO AN EXCLAMATION POINT IN TEN EASY STEPS
- "What Barbecue Sauce Goes With Oral Sex? 10 Recipes To Make Your Woman Squirm On Your Tongue!"
- Is she not in the mood? Poke her with your penis until she gets the point!
- She's kidding when she says "just like that, just like that!!" Take it as your clue to try something new.
- If she doesn't let you finish on her face, she doesn't love you.
- One word: helicopter.
- One name is great, two names are better! Moan her best friend's name in her ear.
- I remember reading a sex tip in Cosmo that said; "Don't ASK for sex, just TAKE it!". So, that.
- When She Says "Daddy" You Say "Mommy" and Other Hints for a Sexy, Steamy Summer
The maleified sex tips were also funny:
- Mansmo's #1 Ultimate Sex Tip: We call this one The Battering Ram. Position your lady spread eagle across the room, begin a slow galloping charge toward her lady bits. (it's important to pick up speed gradually to enhance the excitement!) Let out your best war cry and invade her castle!! Slam your ram straight into her chamber doors, bonus points for a backdoor siege! With this much power, you don't need lubrication!
- Prolong her climax with this one saucy move! Make her watch the entire series of Lost in an evening.
- Does she like sex a little rough? Good, then disrespect her breasts. Spit on them, smack them, give them dirty looks. Ask her questions like, "seriously, that's all you got?" and "You think you can feed my children with those shitty tits? Get real". This is guaranteed to make your woman scream.
And some folks that actually tried the fake suggestions chimed in on the outcome:
This poster saw the opportunity to correct something society has been referencing incorrectly and took it:
99% of the time when someone talks about doing the helicopter they are imaging a dude who is standing up. If that's the case, the man in no way resembles a helicopter unless you are specifically referring to the tail rotor. The man much, much, much more resembles a windmill if he is standing up. Now, if he's laying down, then yeah, then it's a helicopter. I have no idea why but the fact that "the helicopter" has become the common name for the act rather than "the windmill" (which seems like an equally snappy name) really pisses me off.
Edit: As a clever individual pointed out, "the propeller" is also a good option that maintains the aviation theme but implies the correct axis of rotation.
This post made everyone a little uncomfortable:
Communication is key. Don't expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it.
Patience is a virtue. Teach her that she needs to make you want it by trying to have sex with whiskey dick. There's nothing like forcing wet spaghetti into a keyhole for thirty minutes to make a girl appreciate the value of a BJ.
Bargain for more than you want.. Tell her you've been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise!
Confessional orgasming. While she's going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she's nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she's the one you've chosen out of all of them.
Diamonds aren't always forever." Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again!
Encourage her to get fit! Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn't fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She'll think twice about ordering dessert for months!
Everybody wants to be star. Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don't tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had.
Unfortunately, some have already fallen victim to these tactics.
This could've simply been abbreviated by saying, "Be a guy from New Jersey on Thursday nights:"
As most guys already know, we're all pretty fantastic in bed. The trick is getting your bittie into the boudoir. So without further ado, here are five tips that are guaranteed to have you impressing any girl that's not probably a lesbian.
Get her attention. Be loud and gaudy and in all other ways impossible to ignore. Most women don't really know what they want so as long as you're showing them something, they'll probably like it. The old advertising adage holds true for picking up women: there's no such thing as bad press.
Be persistent. Women like go-getters. If she seems uninterested, she's not just playing hard to get (though she probably is, that coy minx), she's testing your resolve. The more unwilling you are to give up, the more you can be sure she wants what you're offering.
Wear plenty of cologne. Just like in the animal kingdom, females are attracted by your musk. Only instead of pheromones you've got a bottle full of liquid engineered by science to make a woman's nethers tingle. If you use enough for her to smell you from across the room, then you won't even have to approach her. Just sit back and let the vixens be drawn to you.
Be aggressive toward other guys. All women want to be with the alpha of the pack, and there's no better way to show her that it's you than to put a few betas in their place. Remember though, you've got to be the one who initiates. Any pussy can finish a fight, but a real man shows that he can and will start one before trouble even arises.
If all else fails, get her drunk. We all know that she really wants to go home with you. She's just worried what her friends will say if she makes it too easy. Best way around that? Make her stop caring what her friends think by making her stop caring about everything. Just feed her sugary liquor until she's slurring a little, then make your play. Protip: buy the first drink in front of her and ask for top shelf stuff, then kindly offer to go to the bar for future drinks and get only well liquor. Does the trick and there's no way she's going to be able to tell the difference at this point.
Don't try this at home:
Can't get that special girl's interest? Here's five sure-fire ways to make her yours!
After reading this, you'll be SHOCKED that she's not sleeping with you already!
Play it cool.
Girls hate when someone rushes in and just tells them outright that they're interested in dating. That's not a "love language"! Instead, get to know her first and don't express too much interest. You don't want to seem desperate!
That's right, it's all about the benjamins! Girls need a man who can take care of them, financially as well as in the bedroom! Buying her expensive gifts both shows how thoughtful you are, and that you've got the cash to keep her "housewife happy!"
Show off your personality.
Feeling glum about that double chin? Make sure to show off your personality! Unlike us guys, who - let's face it - care mainly about looks, your lady wants a man with a nice personality. Make sure to show off your quirky side in texts, calls, emails, and visits!
The FRIEND zone is next to the END zone.
Everybody moans about the "friend zone," but this is your opportunity to charge the last ten yards! Even if she just wants to be friends, don't give up - stick around, wait for your opportunity, and strike when that hole opens up in her defense! Seven points!
When in doubt, let it out.
Girls always groan about the "dick pic", but we've had shocking revelations published here before (see "Naked Man - amazing results!" on page 63). If you're in a high-risk, high-reward situation, and you're out of moves, the dick pic can be a potent icebreaker. Give her a well-posed candid shot of your own icebreaker, and you'll soon be crushing more than ice cubes, you sexy stud!
Remember, be sure to send in your success stories to us, and you'll be entered to win a free copy of The Hangover, Part II!
A few responses were so insane that they could've been their own TIFU threads:
Of course this led to people asking the user to expand by what he could have possibly meant by "gotten hotter all over my dick," and u/thechadeisnhower did not disappoint.
Well.. The actual Carolina Reaper pepper is around 1.5 to 2 million SHU (Scoville Heat Units) and a sauce made from it is usually around 600k-800k SHU. The sauce I was working with, which is actually the hottest sauce in the United States is a blend of the Reaper, Ghost Chili, the Scorpion, and to top it all off, it was MAINLY made with capsaicin extract (this is the chemical that causes the spicy reaction in your body. If pure, it is 16 million SHU) The sauce is 3.5 million SHU. That's three times hotter than military grade pepper spray. And...after eating a good bit of it, I totally forgot to clean my hands properly (it takes like 5 minutes to clean this shit off your hands) and I went to jerk off. About five minutes in, my dick started tingling, another five minutes, I was on the floor screaming for an hour.
Now I always wear gloves when handling that shit.
EDIT I'm getting a lot of the same questions so I am going to answer them all here:
Q: What sauce is this? A: It's called Flashbang
Q: What does the sauce taste like? A: Every pepper has a different flavor and also a different spice. For instance, the Ghost Chili has a very smoky flavor (It's delicious and my favorite!) and a spice that builds up over 15 minutes, whereas the Scorpion peppers are very sweet like habeneros, but the spice is very upfront and all at once, lasting only 5 minutes. Flashbang, like most sauces made heavily from concentrate, tastes pretty bad if you eat a good bit of it, but in small, and recommended quantities, the spice far outweighs the flavor.
Q: How do you even eat this stuff? A: Indulging in spicy foods can be quite the hobby, and there are many people who enjoy the "superhot" peppers in the spectrum. Almost every chilihead I have met is somewhat of a masochist and the pain brings on a high of endorphins and dopamine. To be honest, it's not that hard to build up a tolerance to this kind of thing. It just takes persistent consumption of high ranking sauce. The hard part is digesting it. Every time I eat Flashbang, it kills my stomach, and it burns like hell coming out your ass too. If you guys want to meet more chiliheads or are just interested in the hobby, check out /r/spicy
This wasn't a question, but it seems appropriate to follow up the last response: Milk, water, soda. ALL of these things are terrible for reducing the effects of spicy food. The best action to take is to drink a non carbonated, sugary beverage. This will not only ease the pain in your mouth, but also any stomach pain you might be feeling as well. The reason milk is a bad idea is because mixing milk with anything heavily acidic (hot sauce is insanely acidic) will cause a reaction in your stomach in which the milk will harden and make you feel very nauseous.
Q: You wear gloves when you jerk off? A: I'm not sure if these questions are serious and I actually did a bad job of explaining this, but no. I meant that I wear gloves when handling the sauce.
Q: Why did you jack off immediately after eating this sauce? A: I didn't. Another miscommunication here. The oils from this sauce will stay on your hands until you force it off with heavy scrubbing for about 5 minutes. I simply just didn't wash my hands correctly and later on, maybe 30 minutes to an hour, went to do my biz. I have had the oils stay on my skin for a half a day before without realizing until I touched my eye, nose, penis, etc.
Q: Did you finish? A. Cheers to Reddit for always asking the good questions. Yes, I did. I'm a fucking trooper.
With all the jokes floating around, one poster (in traditional Reddit fashion) pointed out that we already kind of do have male versions of Cosmo floating around.
There are a bunch of magazines for men that will give you awful sex and relationship tips. I had subscriptions to FHM and Maxim when I was a teenager for example and honestly I didn't learn a damn thing about pleasing women until I met OP's mother.
Have you heard any pitches more absurd than the ones mentioned in the thread?