8 high school sex lessons I learned from Judy Blume

If you're a girl and spent any time in the library as a kid, you inevitably read some Judy Blume.

If you’re a girl and spent any time in the library as a kid, you inevitably read some Judy Blume. (Hopefully along with The Babysitter’s Club and Goosebumps.) And perhaps, like me, you actually felt guilty reading some passages, or found yourself blushing madly even though nobody was around.

Let’s face it: Judy Blume explained a lot of stuff our parents didn’t. (Or did, but the conversation was so awkward you’ve never looked at your dad the same again.) Here are just a few sex lessons that got us through those awkward junior-high days straight from the books of Ms. Blume:

“You’re a romantic. I’m a realist. We look at sex differently … I see it as a physical thing, and you see it as a way of expressing love.” — Forever

From that point on, I learned there were two lovemaking camps: bad girls (like Erica) and good girls (like Kathy). I landed somewhere in the middle; I loved to bang, but fell in love with every douchebag that took me up on the offer.

“‘Oh … oh’, Michael cried, but I didn’t come. I wasn’t even close. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t hold off.'” — Forever

Pro: Saved me years of disappointment from my boyfriend’s inability to last long enough to get me off. Con: I’ve faked most of my orgasms since.

“‘I guess we should ride around for awhile. We can circle the field, that way he might notice me.’ They rode around three times but if Georgia Blue Eyes noticed Andrea he kept it to himself.” — Starring Sally J. Freedman As Herself

Hovering around the object of your affection and staring without saying anything has a name. It’s called stalking and it will only creep him out.

“The StairMaster’s truck was parked in front of her house. ‘It’s been there for an hour at least,’ she whispered. ‘And don’t tell me they’re just talking.'” — Here’s to You, Rachel Robinson

When your dad won’t stop coming down to the basement to bring you more cookies ensure your bra’s still on, the next place to get your dirty on? Your boyfriend’s car. And by car, we mean his mom’s minivan he borrowed for the night.

“They took turns pretending to be Von, lying on top of one another, rubbing the Power against the other’s Power until the electrical current buzzed through their bodies.” — Summer Sisters

Mmmmmm, masturbation! (I didn’t do the whole girl-on-girl thing, but WHOA, what a discovery.)

“I sat next to Moose. He smelled very nice. I got to touch his hand a couple times because he was a lefty and I was a righty so now and then, we’d bump.” — Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

Sometimes it’s not the crazy, passionate dry-humping but the quick glances and hand-holding underneath the kitchen table that gets us most in the mood.

“I wanted to dance with Buddy. I wanted to in the worst way but all I could think of was my brace and I hated it more than ever.” — Deenie

Braces, glasses, zits, etc. You’re waaaay more worried about it than he is. Promise.

“No matter how many guys come and go, we’ll always be together.” — Summer Sisters

And the best lesson of all ladies, no matter what goes down with the opposite sex, it’s your girls that will cyberstalk him with you.