How to get out of your league girls on Twitter

Ellis Cooper explains how to be a @reply hero and date out of your league on social networks without being a simp or creep.

The artist. The OnlyFans star. Hundreds of men try to get into Ellis Cooper’s pants every day. Few stand any chance at all, and not just because they’re mostly Indian. Rather than tweeting an entry from and putting our faith in lady luck, we simply asked Ellis to do all the work for us and put together a step by step guide on how to, well, get into her pants. Somehow, it worked. Presenting: Ellis Cooper’s guide to getting girls (that are out of your league) on Twitter.

Rule #1: Don’t be Indian

The “being a white woman online” experience.

Every white woman with a pulse and an open DM has seen and read things that would make Jenna Jameson blush. And it’s almost all coming from Indian men. Even prostitutes won’t deal with you. I’m sorry, but it is what is.

Allow us to feel safe by letting us easily stalk you

I think Instagram is a better avenue to go down if you want to ask someone on a date — at least you can check and make sure it’s all safe. So make sure you have a link to an Instagram account (or another network or site a bit more legit than Twitter) that we can stalk before we decide if you’re reply-worthy.

Be funny

The way to a woman’s heart is with laughter… and diamonds. But mainly laughter. Twitter is the perfect way to demonstrate a good sense of humor and humor is of course an easy way to be forward without producing rapey or cringe vibes. If you can make someone laugh in 140 characters you’re onto a winner.

Be forward but retain your dignity

Start a conversation with us. It’s important to be sociable on Twitter — it is a social network after all. But don’t tweet us every hour or be pushy when you get signals we’re not interested.

My vagina so dry that Lawrence of Arabia rode a camel across it.

Read The Gentleman’s Guide to Hacking Tinder — there’s a lot of overlapping skills here. It’s full of useful tips like:

Stand out from the crowd

When I started using Tinder after moving to Phoenix, I got an idea to try to tweak my profile picture with Photoshop to basically make it look like I was endorsed by Tinder and I was the match of the day,” says Jamieson. “I thought that girls would think it was funny. And then just to see how well it did, I was swiping right on everyone. Quite quickly. And it did really well.

Think before you tweet

I like tweets with funny anecdotes or something nice and motivational. I’m a fan of funny pictures too, especially of animals — they always get my attention.

I’m not a fan of tweets talking about who you banged last night or how much of a player you are. You might look like a boss to your mates but us ladies will just shake our head.

Stick to a culturally appropriate age range

That cute 18-year-old tittystreamer will never, ever date a middle aged retired trucker. Do the police need to have a check on you?

Also, don’t be 10 years old.

Retweets can be sweet

If you retweet something witty, funny or our momentary wise words then it’s likely we will think “oh this guy has similar interests or he’s got a good sense of humor.. lets follow him and see what he’s saying.” Winner.

Retweet a picture of us in our undies on the other hand and there’s a 99% chance we’ll just ignore it.

Beware the wink face and emojis in general

Unless you’re 13. Or really want us to think you’re 13. Which isn’t cool.

Don’t be desperate

I was working with Caitlin, Daisy Watts, Danni King, and Jess Impiazzi a while back and we concluded that the number one DON’T on twitter is when someone follows you, unfollows you, follows you, unfollows you, follows you… repeatedly. We know that you do this to get our attention and it usually does but not for the right reasons.

Same goes for liking every tweet, simpy replies, and any other kind of desperate behavior. Girls have a supernatural ability to sense desperation and insecurity. We notice, we ignore, we will continue to ignore.

My vagina so dry Native Americans do rain dances around it.

Related: 10 red flags that kill your chances with women

Cheesy pickup lines are ok!

I can’t speak for the rest of Twitter’s females but I find endless hilarity in a cheesy pickup line. Unfortunately the only pickup lies I get are the ones that send a chill down your spine.

“I would love to taste your bath water” is a popular one. I long for the day some asks me if it “hurt when I fell from heaven.”

If you want a date you need to play the long game

Don’t jump straight in with the date request, but flirt a little first.

Sort out your profile picture

No anime girls, no twitter eggs, and definitely no green frogs! The success rate will be far greater if you have a picture of yourself.

The Sahara desert is my vagina’s spirit power.

Related: How to take the perfect Tinder photo, according to right-swipe science

Don’t hide behind Direct Messages

For a number of reasons: 1. Twitter is pretty rubbish at notifying you about direct messages so there is a chance we won’t see it. 2. Diving straight in with a DM is scarily keen, and 3. What could you possibly want to say privately that you can’t say publicly, other than ask for our number? (HINT: If we message you first, we’re keen so GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER!)

Don’t be snap happy

Under no circumstance will tweeting a picture of your penis be a good idea, ever. EVER. Cute animals, yes. Body parts, no.

Related: If you must, here’s how to send good dick pics

Don’t be Indian

The “being a painting of a white woman online” experience.