A reader asks:
Okay, so this is embarrassing, but my sex life is really bad. Not because of me, but because my boyfriend literally cannot last more than two minutes maximum. On average, it's probably one and a half minutes before he ejaculates.
He says it's because it feels too good and he's extra sensitive, but we've tried going slow and pulling out when he feels like it's about to happen, but it doesn't make a difference. It's really annoying and he treats it like it's not a big deal, but to me it is. Any advice on how to make him last longer during sex??
I don't blame you for being upset about this! Sex should be enjoyable for both partners involved, and if you're feeling unfulfilled, you definitely need to do something to change that. Not least because communication is one of the most important aspects of being in a relationship with another human.
Now, premature ejaculation is a pretty common issue with guys, especially for sex newbies. I'm not sure how long you guys have been hooking up or when he first started having sex, but it often takes a lot of time and practice for guys to learn how to control things down there and last longer.
It's frustrating that your boyfriend is treating this like it's no big deal, but there could be a reason behind that. He might actually feel really embarrassed and ashamed that he's finishing so quickly, and instead of confronting those feelings, he's pushing them aside and trying to convince himself that it's fine. That might sound silly, but dudes put a lot of pride in how things are working down there, and if he feels like he's not up to par, it can make him feel really crappy and insecure, and act even stranger.
Of course, he could also just be a selfish jerk in the bedroom, but hey – you know him best, so you have to figure out which one of those things is happening here.
That said, there are other things you can do to help this issue besides taking things slower. Here are a few suggestions:
#1. Have him masturbate earlier in the day
It might sound crazy to tell your boyfriend to masturbate before seeing you, but it could really help. In fact, this is something a lot of dudes do when they feel like they want to impress someone in bed later on.
The majority of men out there need a few hours between sessions before they can ejaculate again. Have him do it a few hours before you come over – not too early, because it might not work, but not too late because then he might not be able to get it up – and it should help make him last longer.
#2. Try more foreplay
If you guys aren't engaging in foreplay, then start. Try getting him close to the point of ejaculation by doing something else, like a handjob or oral sex, and then stop and have him do something to you for a few minutes before you start having sex. The stopping right before ejaculation could help.
Or, you can just have him put all of his focus and attention on you before you start having sex. This should make you feel better and more satisfied.
#3. Change position
One common suggestion for this issue is to change positions when he feels like he's about to finish. In this case, it seems like that's happening so quickly you might not even have time to do that, but try it anyway. It's worth a shot!
#4. Try penis rings, or squeeze the base of his penis
Cosmopolitan suggests squeezing the base of his penis with your hand or a cock ring (set of 6 silicone penis rings for $15.99 @ Amazon) to stop him from ejaculating: "Think of it like bending a hose in half to stop the flow of water, but definitely do not bend his penis in half under any circumstances. Just give it a firm grip."
#5. Stop for a second
If he feels like he's going to finish, pause. Literally stop having sex, and then go back at it when he feels a little bit more in control, after a minute or two. You might have to try this a few times and practice it in order to get it to work.
If none of these things work right away, give them some time – none of these are miracle cures and most will take a few tries to get right. And, if after a few weeks, they still don't work, then at least find a way to enjoy yourself as well. If you don't like the foreplay idea, then have him finish you off after he finishes with his hand or oral sex. That way, at least you can feel good too!
But, at the end of the day, I just want to point this out: your boyfriend probably feels kind of crappy about this, even if he isn't showing it.
Focusing on it, talking about it a lot, and acting angry/upset about it every single time it happens isn't going to help. If he feels too much pressure, he isn't going to be able to change anything. Sex has more of a mind/body connection than many of us realize.
Your BF needs to get through this, but fighting about it won't help that. Try to be as understanding as possible while still figuring out a way for you to enjoy yourself too. Good luck!