The five rules of "sexiling" your roommate The proper etiquette of kicking out your roommate so that you and your lover can get down to it in peace.

For those of you who have ever lived with someone who is in a relationship, you know exactly what I'm about to discuss. Or, maybe you've been the roommate who is in a relationship, in which case you, too, have experience with "sexiling."

"Sexile," a word thrown around at many colleges and other settings where roommates exist, is simply the act of exiling your roommate for the night so that you and your lover can engage in sexual activity in privacy.

verb: to sexile

comes from combining "sex" and "exile," meaning to kick someone out of a house/room/dorm for means of fornicating.

My roomate is gonna sexile me on Valentine's Day so that he and Yolanda can have their hot monkey sex in our room.

Sexiling can become an issue for many roommates, most often because the proper etiquette isn't followed. It seems unfair that you shouldn't be allowed in you own room; in college, for example, that is the one place you can get some relaxation and alone time after a long day!

At the same time, it is unlikely that your roommate won't ever have sex or want some privacy with a lover, and you probably don't want to be there for that. As with most everything else, proper social function requires give and take.

In an ideal world, there would automatically be some sort of understanding between roommates about sexiling and how often it is okay to do it. Ideally there would also be a balance, so one roommate isn't constantly being kicked out while the other never suffers any similar consequences.

However, roommate situations are rarely ideal, let alone comfortable – especially at the beginning of college.

We know there are plenty of college freshwomen out there wanting to bring someone back to their room, but struggling with what to tell their roommate in order to not offend them. So, after talking to many sexilers and sexilees, I have come up with the five rules to politely sexiling your roommate.

#1. Ask, don't tell

Although sexiling sounds like it is a command, you should always try to phrase this request as a question instead of an order. It's not a great feeling to be told to leave your own room.

#2. Don't do it too often

Try to spend an even amount of time in your room and your lover's room – that way, each roommate is only suffering half of the time.

#3. Give your roommate advanced notice, if possible

It is a lot easier for someone to find alternative plans if they're not being asked to leave at 2 AM. Your roommate will appreciate the heads up.

#4. Set a time limit and don't go over it

If you don't plan on having your guest sleepover, give your roommate a predetermined time frame for which you'd like them to be out of the room, and then abide to that limit.

#5. Always say thank you!

Don't forget to tell your roommate how much you appreciate their cooperation, and always let them know that you will return the favor whenever!

So, what do you think? Have you ever sexiled someone or been sexiled? What is the right way to go about it?

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15 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">The five rules of "sexiling" your roommate</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">The proper etiquette of kicking out your roommate so that you and your lover can get down to it in peace.</span>”

  1. LOL I've been on both ends of this argument, and I think you have a pretty good list of rules there. 🙂

    Also, I read a comment above that I'd have to agree with. They mentioned that if you're someone's roommate, you should know their schedule well enough. Whenever I "Sexiled" my roommate, I never actually had to ask. I just knew when they'd be gone. There's no need to kick someone out of their own room. Just figure out their schedule and work around it.

  2. I was sexiled once in college and I got revenge! coming back early and started talking to his girlfriend for about two hours...thing was she was still naked underneath the covers and could not get out of the bed because I talked for two hours straight ( I am quite the talkative) and thing was I had no idea she was still nude and wanted me to leave so she could get dressed...and I just kept going on and on and on....and all three of roommarte , her and myself had quite a big laugh about the situation later on that night when I found out that she wanted to shut up and get out of the room so she coould get dressed and I just would not shut up or leave...I was hoping to get a view of her beautiful naked body which never happened...we all ended up with a very funny memory.

  3. I wish I would've been sexiled. But no. They just did it while I was in the same room, awake. Thanks, b**ch.

  4. During freshman year (I'm now a senior), my roommate used to have sex when I was still in the room. I'd wake up to her bringing random guys home and them having sex right above me (damn bunk beds), and she even had sex with someone while I was literally laying in my bed two feet away from her (we de-bunked our beds later on in the year). It was.... awkward, to say the least, lol. And loud. But I look back on it now and just laugh.

  5. I've only once had a potential situation like this. All my roommates never dated or were conservative enough that they didn't need THAT kind of alone time. But I had a very good friend of mine fly into Philly from California so we could go to NYC together, and luckily we were able to crash at our friend's place and while there was no sex, he did get a bit..handsy in my pants considering my friend and his g/f were in the same room.

    • yeah that's cause philly rent is dirt freaking cheap!! in college i always dreamed of having my own 2 br after getting a job, but that was when i only knew san diego prices, hahaha.

      i should really stop complaining though, i *do* have a second apartment, and both are in really nice buildings...though my company is decent enough to expense some of the second apartment, otherwise there's no way that would ever be financially sustainable.

  6. I haven't been a roomate, but I've been in the room while my friend and her boyfriend were doing the deed. They were on the bed, I was on the floor. I called my dad to come and get me. I didn't need to sit there and listen to it. Sure I could have just got up and went in the other room... But they could have asked before just doing it. Needless to say, I don't really talk with them much anymore.

  7. This was one of the many downfalls about living in the dorms. I had a long-term boyfriend who I'd want to come over (not only for sex, but just to hang out, watch shows, etc) but my roommate never left the room that we shared. Literally never, except for class.

    It was a tiny room which barely fit our twin sized beds and it was unbearably uncomfortable if we tried to snuggle up and watch TV while my roommate is on the other side of the room, aka a few feet away. My romantic life definitely suffered because of that...

    Here you are, thinking, wow, I'm going to be living in the dorm and have so much more privacy now that I'm away from home! But I had MORE privacy at home. There would be dons/RA's who would randomly walk into the dorm twice each night - between 10pm and 2am - to come check up on us. It was rediculous. They would knock on your door and 'say hi' just to see what you were doing... Like some creepy parent.

    I had SO many rules living in the dorm concerning guests, food, what things I could bring, how to live my life basically..And it sucked. I love living off campus now!!!

  8. #0: Make sure your roommate won't FREAK THE F*** OUT that sex even took place in the room.

    Not a personal experience, but close enough. Two friends who were living together had this issue and stopped talking to each other (forever) over it. And they couldn't move for several weeks, to boot, because they had to go through some kind of mediation/problem resolution process with housing/res life. A tense time in the friend-group.

    [Just for clarity. Roommate was not in the room for the duration. Her bed/desk were not involved. No visible traces were left.]

  9. Living in a college dorm was the worst experience of my life, and this is actually low on the list of reasons (despite how horrible it was). I recommend to everyone to avoid it. I know it's tempting to leave your parents' house, but I'd have chosen to live with them a few more years in retrospect.

    • Same here. Sharing a bedroom with someone destroyed my freshman year experience. :/ Sadly, I couldn't stay with my parents since the college I went to was about six hours away.

      • Yeah, I'm a bit of an introvert and the lack of privacy is enough to make even an extrovert have an emotional break down. Was like, "dear everyone: LEAVE ME ALONE." If I were you I'd attain a part-time job to pay for rent for a nearby apartment. Even if you get one with a roommate, you can probably at least have your own bedroom which (trust me) will be a gigantic improvement upon your living situation.

  10. love this post! i don't think anyone's ever written about it before. fortunately for me, both my freshman and soph years i had dorky roommates who didn't get laid. in general the protocol we used to use was to put a tie on the door handle. however, this is easily sabotaged by people in the hall who want to fuck with you. so my friend and his roommate had this brilliant idea - they'd leave a faint red line on their whiteboards (all the rooms had whiteboards outside the doors). since no one else in the hall knew what it was, nobody knew to erase it if they wanted to fuck with those guys.

    in any case, i turned 19 at the end of my soph year and became an RA after that (in a single), so i never had to deal with that shit again. in grad school we had 2 (or 4) br apartments - so there was no sexiling involved, but there's still that common area issue. sometimes i'd want to bring a girl back and have dinner (and/or bang on couch or whatever) without any awkward roommate interactions if he enters/leaves during. plus, this one chinese girl i was seeing was particularly loud, and i'd always have to tell her to stfu.

    moral of the story: you can't put a price on privacy or sanity, which is why i have lived by myself ever since i finished grad school, despite the ridiculous freaking rent i have to pay for a half-decent shoebox-sized studio in manhattan. i clean my dishes when i want, bring people over when i want, have quiet when i want, shit with the door open, keep the a/c and heat off year round, and shower in the morning on my own schedule. i will never have roommates again. if i ever get married, she can get her own house, cause i sure as shit am not giving up the convenience of living alone.

  11. Sexile hahaha I love that term. Never had to deal with it really. Oh I have on holidays when I'm sharing a room with someone but luckily on holidays you're usually out late anyway and there's always somewhere to go.

  12. This was never a problem in college. After living with someone for a while in the same room, you get to know their school and work schedule so you know your roommate is not going to be around for a couple hours without having to make your intentions clear.

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