Once Lifetime made an original movie about the dangers of swiping wrong, we knew that Tinder had become a significant part of our culture. As much as we may hate to admit it, dating apps are here to stay. We can scroll through hundreds of potential matches without having to put on pants or leave the comfort of the warm glow of Netflix. But occasionally, we decide to gear up, put on real clothes and venture in public to go on a real Tinder date.
Having the energy and the guts to go on a Tinder date takes a lot of effort, so we have to pump ourselves up. This usually takes the form of lying to ourselves about the impending social interaction.
Here are the most important lies to master:
#1. Relax, you look exactly like your profile photos.
Yeah, it was thirty pounds ago and you might have done some intense Insta filtering to make your skin look good and your hair was a much more flattering color then, but you’re recognizable! Your date might have to squint to see the resemblance, but that’s not a huge deal.
#2. This is just as good as meeting someone at a bar or through mutual friends!
Perhaps meeting like real adults and discussing common interests is “classier,” but you didn’t even have to get off the toilet to find this date. Success.
#3. It’s completely fine that they had one mirror selfie profile picture. That says absolutely nothing about them as a person.
Except that they’re probably a huge narcissist who likes their own Instagram photos.
#4. You have two mutual Facebook friends, there’s no way they’re a serial killer.
Granted, the mutual friends were that one kid from elementary school who ate paste and your weird landlord, but still. The Tinder profile says your date owns a puppy, so you’ll probably be fine.
#5. You don’t need to be nervous, Tinder dates are no pressure!
Well, except for the fact that you will forever be known as the nightmare Tinder date in the stories they’ll tell their friends for all eternity.
#6. If things work out, you won’t lie about how you met! No shame in Tinder!
Even though you’d rather say you met in porn addiction rehab than on Tinder, no shame. None.
#7. You’re definitely as witty in person as you were in your messages.
Those snappy responses were easy when you could try them out and read them aloud to your friends for feedback. Might be more difficult to make words in person.
#8. Don’t worry, you’re not going to slip up and make it clear that you internet stalked them all the way back to 2012.
All you have to do is keep yourself from mentioning that you and the prom date have a mutual friend. And that you liked that old haircut.
#9. It’s no big deal that they have a cat.
So what, your date lives with a furry psychopath who won’t hesitate to kill you in your sleep. Not a red flag, AT ALL.
#10. Maybe they’re not just in this for the sex?
Granted, they did say that Netflix and chill was the ideal date. But that could actually mean watching Netflix. Maybe.
#11. You’re definitely going to listen to everything your date has to say.
…Or you’re going to completely ignore the conversation and come up with lies you can tell you friends about how you met. Is “we met at Starbucks” overdone? Maybe at Chipotle. Chipotle has a sexy vibe, kind of.
#12. “My mother is my best friend” isn’t a weird thing to put in a one sentence Tinder bio, right?
That’s definitely not related to any attachment issues.
#13. You’re not settling.
Yeah, you took one look at a picture of your date parasailing and decided that this was your chance to not be alone, but hey, there are more desperate moves. Right?
Swipe on, people. Swipe on.