It was brought to our attention that the Botero statue of “Adam” at the Time Warner Center in Midtown New York City has a shiny, golden wiener (cover image above). Perhaps it’s not newsworthy, but the rest of the statue is a significantly darker, less shiny brown. And, it turns out tourists love polishing Adam’s knob.
OK, so that’s not newsworthy either, but it did get us thinking about statue-groping, and what some of the best statues one might grope could be. So we came up with the top five. We excluded Sir Adam, since his member is so small that, according to one man interviewed about the statue by the New York Post, “It makes me feel good about mine.”
See the statues that inspire lurid photo ops, let people express their “love” of art through inappropriate touching and, most importantly, create pictures like the Bolery insert (right), which almost certainly involved a grandma saying the word “schlong.”
“Ronald McDonald,” Everywhere
Show me a roomful of people who haven’t simulated fellatio on Ronald McDonald, and I’ll show you a roomful of liars.
The ubiquitous nature of McDonald’s means that there’s nary a grown-up in the world who hasn’t gone in for a 3 a.m. Shamrock Shake and spent the next week or so untagging himself from Facebook mobile uploads.
Creepiest part: He’s a clown. You might forget that when your face is in his crotch, but he never does. That why we recommend watching the embedded video about these fuckers starting to move.
“William Penn,” Philadelphia City Hall
From basically anywhere along the Ben Franklin Parkway, it looks like William Penn has a raging boner. It’s just one of the many things that makes Philly such a great city.
And although technically this isn’t a statue that gets groped, we bet there are a couple million Eagles fans who would be willing to give ol’ Billy an HJ, if it meant a Super Bowl ring for their team. Just sayin’ — sometimes you’ve got to do whatever it takes to lift a curse, you know?
“Victor Noir,” Paris
Victor Noir was a journalist who was sent to represent his employer in a duel against Prince Pierre Bonaparte, and was subsequently killed by the other dude. He somehow became a symbol of fertility, which is just a polite way of saying French women love going to his grave and rubbing his monument’s junk.
Seriously.
They love it so much that when the government erected (sorry) a fence around the statue to protect it, the mademoiselles protested and had the fence taken down. So, in summary, his actual life kind of sucked, though his afterlife? Chicks riot in the street for the right to caress his package. Not bad. Not bad at all.
“Crazy Girls,” Riviera, Las Vegas
It may not be classy, but then again, it’s Vegas. When there, apparently you’re surrounded by people who want their picture taken whilst stroking the many be-thonged asses of the “Crazy Girls” topless revue statue.
Because the only way to make the whole affair any less tasteful is for it to be blatantly obvious that everyone is rubbing these butts all the time.
“Juliet,” Verona, Italy
So, the idea is that if you touch the heart of Juliet, you’ll be blessed in love or something. This has led to a lot of people not particularly well-versed in anatomy touching her right boob. A lot. Which we could kind of get, if it were all just a bunch of teenage girls on vacation with their parents and are all heartbroken over Billy from geometry class. But it’s not — it’s perverts like this guy who maybe forgot that this chick is only 14 years old. Gross. Is that Chris Hansen we hear knocking at your door?
It seems that as long as artists keep making sculptures of people (or sometimes animals), we’re going to figure out a way to defile them. The good news is that at least now we’re not alone in our desire to inappropriately touch something that can’t fight back. Wow. That sounded a lot creepier than it was supposed to.
