Man has sex with dolphin, then writes book about it

"Some people find it hard to imagine that I wasn't abusing the animal."

Malcolm Brenner is just like any other guy, in that he let a dolphin hump him regularly over the course of 9 months and derived great pleasure from it, and then wrote a book about it (titled Wet Goddess).

It started in 1970, when Brenner, then a young college student, was freelance writer and photographer. While on assignment in a Florida amusement park, a female dolphin named Dolly fell madly in love with him (according to Brenner’s side of the story any way — we haven’t been able to reach Dolly because she’s dead). I’ll let Brenner tell you the rest of the story…

“She became more and more aggressive.”

“She would thrust herself against me.”

That sounds like dolphin rape. It’s a thing they actually do. Watch the video below if you don’t believe me.

Dolphins are psychos. Smart psychos. Not that rape is smart.

After a while, Brenner says, Dolly become less aggressive and more sensual. If fire weren’t so allergic to water, Dolly would have lit some candles and fired-up some incense sticks before she pounded away at Brenner.

“I found that extraordinarily erotic.”

“It’s like being with a tiger or a bear. This is an animal that could kill you in two seconds if it wanted to.”

Wait. Is this guy implying that he’s had sex with tigers and bears? If so, will this be a book trilogy about what’s like to f*ck wild beasts? I hate to say it, but Brenner may have finally found the next Twilight.

After the 9-month tryst, the amusement park was sold to a housing company, and Dolly was sent off to an oceanarium in Mississippi, where you would assume she’d get plenty of human action, but oddly received none, because Mississippi isn’t Florida. Sure, no matter what point in America history you’re looking at Mississippi is always in bad shape, both socially and economically, but Florida only just got around to passing anti-bestiality laws this year. This year started with the number 20 and not 14, 15, or 16, and it was still legal to have sex with animals — and now we all know of at least one man that took full advantage of this travesty.

Some months after last seeing her, Dolly died.

“Some people find it hard to imagine that I wasn’t abusing the animal. They didn’t see me interacting with the dolphin. They weren’t there. These creatures basically have free will.”

In Brenner’s mind, if he would have sent out fliers and purchased radio and TV air time to promote the fact that he was having sex with a dolphin and somehow gathered together a large group of perverts and sex weirdos to watch him f*ck a dolphin, all of those people would have had their minds changed about whether or not a man should f*ck a dolphin; as if everyone watching was going to start off hating it and throwing rotten vegetables, like an irate crowd of peasants watching terrible vaudeville. But then, all of a sudden, they catch a glimmer of happiness, of pure joy, shimmering in Dolly the dolphin’s eye as she rubs her aquatic poon all over Brenner, a human. At that moment, the onlookers would put down their rotten veggies and feel shame. They would realize that there is love between this human being and this dolphin. Then, just as Dolly wraps things up, the crowd would simultaneously “Awwww…” because watching a dolphin get off is gross…but when it’s getting off with a human it’s in love with it is adorable.

If Brenner sincerely believes something like that could have happened, or anything even remotely like it, he’s an idiot.

“This was not some dog trying to hump my leg, okay. This was a 400-lb. wild-born female dolphin. She was an awesome creature.”

That in no way clarifies anything. That’s what a statement like that is trying to do – clarify your point. By saying “This was a 400-lb. wild-born female dolphin” you aren’t hammering sense in to our heads, you’re simply reminding us that you f*cked a dolphin. And seeing as very few of us know the average weight of a dolphin, we can only assume that you f*cked a fat dolphin. And that’s what we all take from that sentence: A) you enjoy dolphin sex, and B) you like beefy dolphins.

Brenner has been writing the book since the 70s. Before getting the book published, small chunks of the book’s text popped up in Mind In The Waters, an anthology about the intelligence and consciousness of whales and dolphins, and in Penthouse, a magazine featuring women pissing on camera lenses.

And that’s the end of this article, because I am at a loss for words. I mean, this guy engaged in dolphin sex and brags about it. I have no idea what else to add to that. Literally, no idea.