7 pornos no one ever asked for

Rule #34 says that if it exists, there is porn of it⁠—proving that we exist in a multiverse of low budget porn studios pumping out hanky panky titles about...tax returns?!

Some thematic elements take to porn like stink to a monkey, or a lawyer to debauchery. Others tend to be a little forced, like a lawyer’s client to their lawyer’s debauchery. So for every cable guy and pool boy there’s an interstellar pope or mongoloid garbage man who inexplicably find themselves in a situation where the only solution to their problems is humping. Lots and lots of humping.

Portable suitcase-midget porn

A man walks into a hotel room with a suitcase. He puts the suitcase carefully on the bed, and opens it. Lo and behold, there’s a midget inside. He proceeds to have sexy time with the portable midget. When done, he packs the midget back into the suitcase, closes it up and walks out of the hotel. According to internet lore, there is a longer version of this porno with an ending making it even odder: he supposedly leaves the suitcase in a back alley and another guy promptly picks it up, presumably to repeat what had just happened. City bike, but sex midget style.


Zombie porn

Zombies are more popular today than polio vaccines were back in 1953 and man were they popular back then. Ask grandma, she probably had a lot of polio vaccine orgies, they were all the rage.

While you can make straight zombie movies, and zombie comedies, and zombie comic books and zombie cakes and AMC has an awesome new zombie series on the way, the one thing you can’t do very well is make a zombie porno. And do you know why? It has something to do with rotting flesh and post-apocalyptic cannibalism. On the big list of things that are sexy, those are waaaaaay down near the bottom along with Nancy Grace, rancid lunch meat and kitty litter boxes in the homes or hoarders. Do you want to watch Nancy Grace make awkward, Shrek-love to some bad pastrami in a cat’s shit box? Probably not. Don’t need to see zombies humping either.

Amish porn

The Amish are the butt of many jokes because we have no fear of them, they’re like the Jews in that way. We know they’ll never fight back with fisticuffs. Could you even imagine? An Amish man with his wiry pube beard and a Jew with his sharpened dreidel just going apeshit? Never going to happen.

Maybe because of their technological isolation and curious way of life, the Amish fascination lead someone to think that there’s probably some awesome Amish boning that needs to be exploited in porn form, let’ give it a try. But this entire premise falls apart mercilessly if you have ever met any real Amish people in your life. Because that lady on the box art there sure as shit ain’t Amish. She needs more mustache, a more dour expression, stout build, woolen clothing, homemade pies and a respectable aversion to our modern methods of destroying body odor. And even then she’d still probably just be Mormon hot.

No, the Amish are to sex what open flames are to your colo-rectal well being. If the mystery of the Amish is enthralling to you, go buy some of their mince pies at a farmer’s market and eat them while feeling mildly depressed.

Angel porn

I read the description of this movie twice and I didn’t make a mistake, it’s absolutely about an angel who gets stripped of her wings and (this is where I adlib) proceeds to f*ck dudes for 90 minutes because who the hell cares about the story.

For porno to tread this close to theology, someone had to grow up in an extremely backward household and/or spend far too much time as an altar boy. And that just explains it, it doesn’t really justify it in any way. Once Jesus and the heavenly host make their way into your wank material it’s a slippery, albeit sticky, slope towards condoms shaped like the pope’s hat and holy water enemas. Probably.

Hillbilly porn

Do you know what’s sexier than hillbillies? Aside from zombies, pretty much everything. Literally. Prolapsed colon, Amy Winehouse, undercooked pork, you can make a strong case for any being more palatable than inbred mountain people stripping off their coveralls to bump uglies in a haystack.

Tax porn

Yeah, so this is what happens when uncreative people attempt creativity (we invite you to take a moment to scroll down to the comments and make fun of us). You have Gary the Porn Intern who desperately wants to come up with the newest most awesome porn angle, but all he can think is something along the lines of “boobs!” with a dull, white noise kind of hum droning in the background. Poor bastard. So after a week and a half of brainstorming we get a porno about taxes.

Thanksgiving porn

You could arguably make a few decent porn scenarios out of a holiday like Christmas. There’s unwrapping, there’s candles, there’ snuggling close by the fire, all that sappy shit. Seems like it’s begging for a Yultetide hummer to be tossed in there. Thanksgiving, however, is mostly about a native population being subjected to foreign diseases and white people pretending turkey is a traditional dish. Sure, you can make jokes about stuffing but really, it’s wet bread and salmonella. Not the sexiest of holidays.

Given enough time, you could probably make a more reasonable porno out of just about any other holiday on the calendar, with the possible exception of Martin Luther King Day, generally considered the least erotic of all the stat holidays.

Joey Buttafuoco porn

Who the f*ck wants to see Joey Buttafuoco have sex?