Rate the opening lines of my novel

>This is the enemy of humanity right here. These little hat wearing motherfrickers.

Ape Out Shirt $21.68

Tip Your Landlord Shirt $21.68

Ape Out Shirt $21.68

  1. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    just go with
    >These little hate wearing motherfrickers are the enemy of humanity.

  2. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Don't listen to the other anon, yours is much better
    But it has to be that one line spoken by the main character and then it needs to follow with pages of text explaining how he got to say that without any dialogue

  3. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    5/10. I'd read the next line, plus I enjoy profanity and paranoia.

  4. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    anti-semitism isn't funny

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      maybe OP wants to show that by making the main character a villain

  5. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    fricking lame.

    >Far out here in the depths of urbanity, lie man's greatest enemy. Hiding amongst walls, neon, diners, and within a network of tunnels underground. Strange creatures of several different flavors of sin adorning tiny pan shaped hats hide their ghastly parietal bone. Long noses able to detect the metallic smell of copper, nickel, zinc, silver, and gold within a hundred mile radius. Better then any metal detector out there on the market. Wispy black curly hair, round nickel plated glasses, smooth ponderous hands, and a wonderous hunched back, bare their structural bodies and faces. All wrapped around the neck with a six pointy gold star penned "David".

    >"Ahoy agoy!" cried the ravenous creature.

    ftfy, homo.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Long noses able to detect the metallic smell of copper, nickel, zinc, silver, and gold within a hundred mile radius.
      This is the first time I'm hearing a reason for their long noses lmao I like your lore. 10/10 would read more of it.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Long noses able to detect the metallic smell of copper, nickel, zinc, silver, and gold within a hundred mile radius.
      This is the first time I'm hearing a reason for their long noses lmao I like your lore. 10/10 would read more of it.

      Seems like my post still takes the cake!

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        good concept but your writing is ugly. are you esl?

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        post more

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Would unironically read your anti semitic pulp novel

  6. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I swear, every time there's a thread about pitching book ideas, all anyone here can ever think of is either some form of bigotry like israelite-hating or INCEL: THE NOVEL.

  7. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Derivative of Disco Elysium, I’m afraid.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      how?

  8. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Swearing in writing almost always comes off as vulgar and immature. Since other users have already done so, I too will provide my own twist:
    >On the corner of Mable and Woodrow stood one of the many outposts of world israelitery, destined to defraud Dixie and deify The Devil.

  9. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Sounds corny as hell with the expletive and the blatant telling instead of showing, unless its being done in dialogue, your opening sentence should be an active sentence instead of an opinion on something the reader has no idea or reason to care about.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >telling instead of showing
      This is a reddit meme

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Telling is good when you are writing from an omniscient perspective but that's difficult to do skillfully. You need to know when to include your opinion and when to suspend it for the reader to find out for themselves. Starting your book with a sentence by telling is incredibly amateurish because you are trying to force the reader to care for something they know nothing about. It's like standing on the streets and giving your opinions to every passerby and hoping they will stop to listen, instead of making a speech and delivering it on the right platform, its low effort rhetoric and screams to everyone that you lack basic convincing skills.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Do you know, off the top of your head, famous books that begin with telling instead of showing?

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >I am in my mother's room. It's I who live there now. I don't know how I got there. Perhaps in an ambulance, certainly a vehicle of some kind. I was helped. I'd never have got there alone. There's this man who comes every week. Perhaps I got there thanks to him. He says not. He gives me money and takes away the pages. So many pages,so much money. Yes, I work now, a little like I used to, except that I don't know how to work any more. That doesn't matter apparently. What I'd like now is to speak of the things that are left, say my good-byes, finish dying. They don't want that. Yes, there is more than one, apparently. But it's always the same one that comes. You'll do that later, he says. Good. The truth is I haven't much will left. When he comes for the fresh pages he brings back the previous week's. They are marked with signs I don't understand ...

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          shut up honkey, a black woman is speaking.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Nope I hate showing. If you aren’t telling me or infodumping I have no interest.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Autism is a b***h.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      how is that telling instead of showing?
      t. moron

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        its an opinion instead of a description moron, an opinion by the author no less

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          It's not an opinion, it's literally a description. And probably going to be proven a fact in the next passages.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Idk if it’s an opinion…

            my god, what the frick happened to zoomers, you can't even tell the difference btn an opinion and description, these are the future writers.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            They’re being anti-Semitic you tard. They’re saying that it’s a fact lol (which it is).

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            that's irrelevant, you can show that by description, its comes off as very tactless

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >its comes
            You shouldn't give English writing advice, gay.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            lmao, unlike you, i am not stupid enough to use IQfy dialogue as content for my book

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Your lack the testosterone necessary to write a proper book. Everything you write ITT sounds girly and twitter-esque. Stick to reddit advice.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            lmao, you are a bunch of pussified men that can't handle criticism and are not even bold enough to stand their ground and publish their books, you have to come to IQfy and ask people like me for writing advice, what does that say about you zoomer chud?

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            I never asked you for writing advice and your 'criticism' is gay. You said it sounded 'tactless' lmao frick off, gay.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            you published on IQfy, so you implicitly leave it open to people like to me tear it off

            >That's dialogue
            Yes...? You said it was IQfy dialogue.
            >what you have written here is a statement with no speech tags and no identifiable speaker.
            It's 1st person narration, obviously.

            i am talking about the video moron, the text shows neither 1st person narration nor dialogue, if you wanted to show either you would have posted more than a vague sentence, the reader shouldn't have to guess about such trivialities

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >i am talking about the video moron, the text shows neither 1st person narration nor dialogue, if you wanted to show either you would have posted more than a vague sentence, the reader shouldn't have to guess about such trivialities
            It says in the OP that those are the opening lines. Are you so autistic that you can't deduce this is a 1st person narration? The tone is obvious. "right here" = indicating proximity to subject. "motherfrickers" = clearly an unhinged type of narrator. 3rd person narrators don't generally use profanity like this.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            no its not obvious, i am sorry anon, not even close, third person omniscients can do this when they are trying to hammer in some moral lesson into their readers

            >and yet you keep replying to me like it matters
            If it didn't matter you wouldn't be bringing it up. You clearly see yourself as an old wise redditor with infallible writing advice.
            >why are you so butthurt, did you think we were going to praise you for your genius?
            You seem upset. I think it's better than any opening lines you've written 😉

            lmao, why do you keep replying if it doesn't matter chud, its such a simple question

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            It's pretty obviously 1st person, pal. Everyone ITT but the autists can see it's probably part of a larger schizo rant.
            Look at what this guy says

            maybe OP wants to show that by making the main character a villain

            "making the main character a villain". Why is he talking about the main character being a villain? Because with the information given it's obvious that this is 1st person narration and the character is saying something mean or bad. That guy made that obvious connection but mr Reddit advice couldn't.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            ok, then publish it as it is, if you think starting your book like is that ok, what other mistakes that are oblivious to you, could you be hiding, after all, readers, or the lack of them are the best critics, you shouldn't be listening to IQfy chuds anyway

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            This is just a shitpost lol
            you seriously thought I was going to publish what some crazy guy yelled at a israelite in a walmart? come on. Just an exercise in futility. Peace to everyone, my child is being born! I have to go

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Idk if it’s an opinion…

  10. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >He sat in judgement of the hat wearing fricks, his penis uncircumcised.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Now you get to build on existing elements:
      1) MC is sitting? on a bus, a bed, or a chair
      2) what's he in judgement of?
      3) he is based and redpilled (elaborate)

  11. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >'These little hat wearing motherfrickers.'
    >'little hat wearing'
    >opinion
    ??

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      lmao, the western world is doomed when a moron ignores to show how the expletive indicates his clear negative opinion on the hat wearing people, the future of writing is doomed

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        you should just give up on writing anon

        It's a description, not an opinion.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          go publish your book anon, i am extremely eager to read the first reviews

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      you should just give up on writing anon

  12. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >IQfy dialogue
    It's real life dialogue btw
    (1:15)
    https://twitter.com/Gentilenewsnet/status/1788955672484118755

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      That's dialogue, what you have written here is a statement with no speech tags and no identifiable speaker.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >That's dialogue
        Yes...? You said it was IQfy dialogue.
        >what you have written here is a statement with no speech tags and no identifiable speaker.
        It's 1st person narration, obviously.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      the world is waking down

  13. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    [...]

    >you published on IQfy, so you implicitly leave it open to people like to me tear it off
    You said I asked "people" like you, though. I never asked you anything.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      and yet you keep replying to me like it matters, why are you so butthurt, did you think we were going to praise you for your genius?

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >and yet you keep replying to me like it matters
        If it didn't matter you wouldn't be bringing it up. You clearly see yourself as an old wise redditor with infallible writing advice.
        >why are you so butthurt, did you think we were going to praise you for your genius?
        You seem upset. I think it's better than any opening lines you've written 😉

  14. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Real moron fight in this thread.
    >captcha: 0nman
    Poetic, really.

  15. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I legit thought this was about rape dwarfs hiding in walls or something. Not israelites but it's still funny though

  16. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >Behold the epitome of human adversary, embodied in these diminutive creatures adorned with their minuscule headgear. Verily, they stand as the antithesis of all that is virtuous and noble in our species.

  17. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A little on the nose, ain't it?

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