He goes by many names: Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas; but to most people in the world he is simply known as Santa Claus. In the eyes of the public, he is a generous soul who endeavors to bring joy to all the children in the world. A cultural icon the world over, Santa Claus has become synonymous with kindness, joy, and is considered to be the embodiment of Christmas spirit.
But when you take an investigative lens to this seemingly flawless image of pure good you may find more than a few pieces of evidence to the contrary. The fact of the matter is that “jolly old Saint Nicholas” is merely a mask which hides a malevolent force of pure evil. An evil that has wormed its way into our very souls, and it has no intention of letting go, like Google.
Yet even a monster as sneaky as Santa Claus can’t help but make the same mistakes any other villain makes. Such as…
He owns a lair located in a ridiculous part of the world
One thing most evil geniuses seem drawn to are bizarre pieces of real estate. Be they advanced laboratories built in the caldera of dormant volcanoes, abandoned island cities, or a mix of the two with the word “subterranean” thrown in for good measure; villains just love setting up in the most ridiculous places imaginable.
Santa Claus is no exception to this rule. His Arctic lair is ironically called his “workshop” (quite an understatement, as you’ll see).
He owns slaves
Many people will sometimes joke about Santa’s elves actually being slaves. But slavery is no joking matter, and anyone who has actually met one of Santa’s elves wouldn’t be in a joking mood. Theirs is a tale of betrayal, murder, and poorly made toys.
Ever since discovering the elves in their quaint little village at the North Pole, Santa has put them to work hand crafting toys all year round. To reach the numbers needed to seed the planet with toys as part of his scheme, the elves have to work without any rest, and hardly any food. Even today, with automated assembly lines and ties to numerous manufacturers around the globe, a majority of Santa’s surplus is crafted by the elves he has forced to do his bidding.
Evidence of illegal cloning and genetic engineering
Among Santa’s considerable technological resources, none are more impressive than his mastery over genetics. This can clearly be seen in his immediately recognizable squadron of reindeer. The idea that Santa’s reindeer can actually fly is a laughable one.
The fact is that Santa has engineered them with super-strong muscles that allow them to serve a dual purpose: the first is to haul a load of toys large enough to spread to the children of the world – which would be no small feat for ordinary reindeer – and the second is to serve as the propulsion system for Santa’s sleigh. Their strength allows them to leap several hundred feet into the air, pulling the sleigh along as they do so.
The illusion of flight is achieved with an anti-gravity device built into the sleigh which allows for significantly long gliding periods between jumps. The genetic tampering Santa has conducted has also given birth to odd mutants like Rudolph, who exhibits bioluminescent properties powerful enough to allow navigation through low visibility environments.
However, this is merely one side of the genetic coin. Cloning is also a major aspect of Santa’s operation. While some may believe Santa simply farms reindeer and names them the same eight names over and over again, it is actually much more malicious than that.
The truth is Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen are, technically, the same reindeer as the original eight. They are simply cloned.
The same can also be said of Santa himself, considering he has been around for hundreds of years, the possibility that Santa is a clone himself cannot be ignored. This effective immortality gives Santa quite an edge against his many enemies, as he is nearly impossible to kill.
He operates an intricate spy network
“He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!”
These lyrics to one of the most recognizable Christmas songs about Santa may sound like an encouragement for young children to behave, but when taken out of context sounds rather sinister. In fact, if one were to change the tone of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” to one which sounded more foreboding, the idea that Santa clearly runs one of the largest, and most intricate, spy networks to ever exist may sound less far fetched.
To the public, Santa is someone who knows every person for who they really are. He knows their hopes, their dreams, and he knows their every sin as well. In order to gather this much intelligence on, essentially, the entire population of the planet, an insane amount of resources is required. However, with a workforce of enslaved elves, shadow companies, and the support of the people themselves he is more than capable of producing these resources.
With them, he is capable of learning every secret every single one of us may harbor, yet people don’t see this as a horrendous invasion of privacy. The fact that Santa has imposed an Orwellian society upon us without our knowledge is a true testament to his twisted genius. His lust for control over the masses hidden by his supposed “great works” and philanthropy.
He has a maniacal laugh
Most super-villains are known to burst out into fits of unique laughter. Santa’s is probably the most recognizable laugh in existence. And in all honesty, who goes “Ho-Ho-Ho” when they hear a funny joke, or when they read a humorous article meant to poke fun at a cultural icon? A madman, that’s who!