It's a fact of life that guys worry about what they're like in the bedroom. And what should I say during sex? Is my O-face really horrendous? Should I shave or trim?
We (meaning I, lucky me) sat down with Stifler's mom, the actor Jennifer Coolidge, to work on the problem. Over the course of a couple only very slightly inebriated hours we bashed out a definitive list of sex truths every guy needs to know to finally stop worrying and start having more, funner, and better sex.
Dirty weekends are never as dirty as a Tuesday night
Planning sex can kill even the strongest boner. No matter how much you pay for the hotel, rose petals, and edible chocolate pants, the truth is that the sex is never as good as a spontaneous mid-week romp on the sofa.
You need to mix up your oral game
Too many guys focus only on the clitoris and their oral game is boring. But we usually don't really feel like interrupting your valiant efforts to tell you this – imagine how ungrateful and off-putting and unromantic that could be. Here's a tip: lick slowly down the sides of the labia using the flat of your tongue.
When women hit 30, sex is more fun and we want more, more
Women peak sexually in the 30s - and our sexual appetite increases. We're not suggesting you rush out and snag the first cougar you find ferrying groceries to her car outside the supermarket, but 17% of 35 to 44-year-old women give themselves a 10 out of 10 in the bedroom.
No one likes finger banging
Girls don’t like it when you go at their nether regions like you're trying shake the dregs out of a ketchup bottle. Your fingers are no substitute for your (hopefully larger) penis.
Condoms aren’t there to be played with
Once you’re finished, take it off, and throw it away immediately.
Girls can’t cum if they’re drunk either
Drinking has similar effects on women that it does on men: they often feel sexier after a couple of glasses of wine, but are less able to orgasm because of the alcohol's limiting sensitivity and ability to climax. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
If she’s had a drink, be generous with foreplay. It'll make it better for both of you.
Sometimes sex doesn’t last long. And that’s fine.
If porn reflected reality – it doesn't – most of the actors would be diagnosed with delayed ejaculation. The average guy comes after five to 10 minutes of thrusting, tops. And truth is, girls are absolutely fine with that. If you’re just pounding away with no flow or end in sight, it’s likely to just leave her feeling sore, unsexy, and maybe even bored. Finishing too quickly isn’t ideal, but as long as it doesn’t happen regularly, at least it’s more flattering for her than the alternative.
Nobody has a cool orgasm face
...so stop trying to control it. You either look like you're about to do a big sneeze or you've just stubbed your toe. So does everybody else.
Porn is good for your sex life
66% of women admit to watching porn. And liking it. We speculate very scientifically that the other 34% are underage, in an old folks' home, or just lying.
Just make sure that if you’re going to watch it together, you watch the right kind of stuff. Maybe check out something by James Deen – the porn star that most skin-flick-watching girls can admit to being just a little bit in love with.
There are not 22 positions in a one-night stand
The first time you sleep with someone guys always feel like they should get through as many positions as possible. This isn't the Cirque du Soleil, so it's really not necessary. Just do what feels right in every moment.
Trimming your pubes is fine. Shaving is not.
Whipping off your checks to reveal a sleek and entirely bald Johnson will probably intrigue her, but she'll be giggling about it with her friends later – guaranteed. A good trimming is the only acceptable solution for guys.
Girls masturbate more than you do (and it isn't all bath oils and candles...)
You might be shocked to hear that women polish the pearl as much, if not more, than you bash the bishop. And unlike what you probably imagine, there’s nothing particularly sensuous about it – no romantic fantasies about maids in castles or suave firemen. A fap is a fap regardless of gender.
Don’t send dick pics
Guys are obsessed with dick pics – taking them and sending them to women, I mean. Usually we don't want them. Thinking of sending her a photo of your penis? Pause for a minute and imagine her showing it to all of her friends while everyone chuckles and wracks their brains for humiliating putdowns.
Because that’s almost certainly what she’ll do. "And there’s nothing worse than when we have a whole series of them to scroll through."
Always "announce" your "arrival"
Most guys don't say all that much while they're having sex. But girls appreciate when a guy tells them that the end is nigh. Especially if they're giving head at the time.
Secretly, we worry that girls expect every session to end with five to 10 minutes of relentless pounding.
In reality, the jackhammer treatment is about as pleasurable for the girl as it is for you to be fellated by a vacuum cleaner.
Sexy and good-looking are not the same thing
It is extremely possible to be one without being the other.
Lube isn’t just for lesbians
And whipping it out doesn’t mean you’re no good. It means you’re well prepared.
Don't dirty talk unless it's ironic, self-deprecating humor
Porn stars may perfectly quote Anchorman while thrusting away like a well oiled piston, but they're inhuman and fake and have liquid viagra injected straight into their members besides. Never try to copy them.
When guys try to copy porn talk and say "you totally like that, don’t you, you dirty slut" it's scientifically impossible not to laugh.
Don't ask questions either
"Is this ok?" "Do you enjoy this ..or should I.." No, no, no! Massive turn-off.
Remember…it's meant to be fun
Sex should be a laugh and fun for both parties. If you can't make each other crack up while you're both naked and sweaty, you're either with a prostitute or the wrong person altogether.
Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it! Follow Jennifer on Twitter at @JENCOOLIDGE. If you tweet her she might end up roasting you on TV.