Should I tell him I used to be an alcoholic slut? My body count could rival a mid tier dictator, but he's so judgmental. How do I make him understand I will never cheat on him?

I have just begun a new relationship and I'm totally into it. This guy could be the guy.

But there's a problem. I pride myself on honesty, and I don't know if my certain things about my past (body count and alcoholism) is information I want to share with my new S/O.

I might have already told him if not for the fact he has openly said how much he cannot stand people who sleep around a lot. He has also frowned on drunks, and even knocked one out once for coming up to him and slurring his words.

And... I have slept with a considerable amount of people. Considerable may even be an understatement.

I lost my virginity at 17 and had slept with only three people by the age of 21 – all boyfriends. But since then (I am now 26) I have had PIV sex with around 80-90 guys. Triple that if you count blowjobs and being finger banged or eaten out.

Alcohol was definitely a factor in a lot of these liaisons. That's the other thing. I was pretty much drunk off my rocker around six days a week. At work when I had a job? Drunk. At home all alone? Drunk. Clubbing? Drunk... and high on whatever was available.

So yeah, I had several long years of a lot of one night stands. In my defense, around half were men that I was seeing. The complete stranger kind of one night stands I only did a dozen or so times.

It was never about sex, if you'll believe it. Because with the help of my therapist, I've discovered the reason I was slutting around so much. I was trying to make myself feel better. To find some appreciation and affection from somewhere.

In fact, I hate sex and have never enjoyed it. But I wanted to so desperately that I tried to find some kind of connection and enjoyment with someone physically. I was molested by my first boyfriend (I was 17 and he was 31) and I don't want to use it as an excuse... but I know that the sexually and physically abusive relationships that I experienced early on have had an impact on my adult sex life.

This year I have slept with only three people. One was a friend who I was always sleeping with from time to time, and who I've been to Alcoholics Anonymous with, so I guess that doesn't really count. The other was a guy I was seeing for a little bit. And now #CurrentGuy.

I have not slutted around like I used to for over a year now. I know that I want to be with #CurrentGuy forever and he has told me that he feels the same. That's why I don't want to hide anything from him.

But is there a polite way to say "I've slept around, but I am not a slut"? Is there a way to reassure him I'm his forever?

I have always been tested for STDs, and used protection. I have never had an STD, fallen pregnant, or done gangbangs (some things are best kept in the fantasy realm) more than once.

Should I hide or tone down the numbers as suggested in How to hide a promiscuous past from your new man? Is it wrong to hide this from him? I keep wrangling with these moral qualms and need someone to just tell me what to do.

Please understand that I am not a bad person and would never cheat on him. And I need him to understand this about me. I just don't want him to think less of me when that drunk slut is no longer the person that I am.

I also kind of know that if I do tell him everything about my past he will never trust me again. I know that he will look at me in a completely different, probably negative, light.

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46 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">Should I tell him I used to be an alcoholic slut?</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">My body count could rival a mid tier dictator, but he's so judgmental. How do I make him understand I will never cheat on him?</span>”

  1. I would tell him. Openness is important in a relationship. But if he don't accept it he's trash so you might as well find out.

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  2. This dude that you're seeing has a twisted view of "one-night-stands" and thinks that the people that have them are immoral or dirty. That's not very enlightened. It may be up to you to change his viewpoint, or leave him. Good luck.

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    • whores dont deserve respect or even acknowledgement as human beings. Low value male? He respect himself and his partner that why he wouldnt want someone like that.
      Such woman literally cant have any lower value. Its garbage.

      Your coping attempt is laughable.

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  3. Was a slut. Past tense. You need to be honest with him if that's important to him and you want to clean your conscience. Really, if you are looking for a serious relationship and he can't handle your honesty, then you are better off without him.

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  4. Honesty is the best policy. I had a similar situation with my current SO. After my ex and I broke up I went from having slept with 1 guy to 8 in the span of less than a year. It was my f-ed up "rebound coping mechanism" that I have since regretted. After my SO and I started becoming more serious (5 months after I stopped "sleeping around") I contemplated telling him about my past and whether or not to tone down the number. In the end I told him the truth along with the reasonings behind it.

    It took him a bit of time to be ok with it (he only had slept with one previous girlfriend). But he understands me better because of it and I don't have to check myself whenever an old hook-up comes up in conversation. It'd be hell trying to keep this from him since my current SO is definitely someone I want to be with in the long run.

    I know my situation isn't exactly at the scale of yours but I think all the same factors are in play. If this is someone you truly care about and want to be with then it's better to be honest with them. Your past molds who you are now, whether your choices were things that you regret or not.

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  5. "I have never had an STD, fallen pregnant, or done gangbangs (some things are best kept in the fantasy realm) more than once."

    So have you only done a gangbang once or did you do all of those things once?

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  6. i dont think he needs to know, its your past and you shouldnt be judged on what you've done before when he LOVES YOU FOR WHO HE KNOWS YOU AS NOW! its important that you dont let your past haunt you.

    but whats important, do you enjoy havein sexual realtions with him at least? you been through alot and it takes a strong person to spill so much, but are you overall happy with who you are?

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  7. Trust and honesty are so key in relationships like marriage. As others have said, he will find out, and when he does from someone else, my lady, he may leave you high and dry. I have seen it happen before with my own eyes, and the two in question had been married for a couple of years. The wife told my friend nothing of her past, and one day a guy who had slept with his wife prior to their marriage saw her, saw him, and later told him about it at a bar. He called the man a liar (and from what I heard, nearly took the guy's head off), and later when his wife didn't deny it....well, you can probably guess what happened: my friend left his wife because he couldn't trust her. That was fifteen years ago, and since then, they have not gotten back together, have never even spoken.

    I tell you this, Madam, becasue you need to tell your man about your past: YOU do. Don't let it come from someone else, especially a total stranger to him, because things could get real, REAL ugly. If you love him, you would tell him, you should tell him. If he loves you, he'll take it like a man, and love you for your honesty with him....

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  8. My boyfriend knows everything about me. I was promiscuous in the past and eventually realized that's not what I wanted for myself. After I made that decision, I met my boyfriend...and the rest is history. My boyfriend doesn't hold my past against me, ever. I really don't see what's wrong with a single individual having protected, casual sex though. It's not for everyone, I know that, but it's not wrong solely because someone doesn't understand or agree with it. I don't like to judge people because we all have our demons to fight.

    I know it was difficult for my boyfriend to listen to me as I spoke about my past, but it was also hard for me to listen to his. It's not something that's easy to listen to, but if he really likes/loves you, he won't hold it against you.

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  9. If you're really an adult, and he's really an adult, it won't be difficult to say "hey, since we've had sex, I thought it would be fair if you knew how many people I've slept with." Then just tell him. And don't lie. You could probably just say what you said here. I doubt he cares as long as you're clean (and aren't an alcoholic anymore). It's 2022.

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  10. When I read this I honestly thought maybe I had written this... I am in the exact same situation except I did tell him it took me a year to finally do it but I did. Trust me it was worth it, I used to cry all the time worrying about how he would break up with me over it and how I am such a horrible person. Once the truth was out there I felt ten times better.

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  11. I think it is up to you. You don't owe every intimate detail of your past to your current partner just because you are intimate with him now. If you are in an exclusive relationship now and as long as you aren't getting around behind his back then I do not think that there is any question about your level of honesty. In my opinion, I tend to keep details of past relationships mostly to myself; it just isn't terribly awesome to hear about all of your partner's past endeavors with other people. He couldn't in his right mind hold past experiences of yours over your head especially if they happened well before you two even met.

    As long as you are being faithful to him currently, I see no problem. You probably don't really want to hear everything about everyone else he has been with. If you still wish to talk about your past, you could swing it in a more positive light in that you really care for him and have even changed old habits because of how much you care for him.

    Lastly, I do NOT think that you are a slut. The rude comments that I have seen are not cool. This was a good post.

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  12. I thought this post would be a lot different. I don't consider your number to be whorish in today's world. 300+ might raise concern. At the age of 26, you'll probably be able to find other people who have been with approximataly the same number of people. And they'll be good lovers as a result. So, just accept it, and talk to him. He'll either work with it or not. And thats really all you can do.

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  13. If you read this, which you might not, I am going to give you some words of wisdom. You can't hide the truth forever and he's going to eventually find out but here is what I suggest. Don't tell him right away. Build some trust and if you feel like things are getting seriouse between you two then have a good long conversation. Obviously from what i've read, that was the past and you've moved forward from a lot of that stuff so he should understand. If the relationship isn't going anywhere, then why get that super personal with someone who might not be around forever. Anyways, that's my take on it Hun. I wish you the best of luck 🙂

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  14. even if he says he doesn't care, he probably does and will hold it against you in the future, once you feel more comfortable with him, so you will hurt more and stick around longer. don't trust him and be ready to leave his ass whenever.

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  15. Don't tell him your numbers. That's a sure fire way to make him run for the hills.

    Tell him the rest of it though- that you've slept with other people, that you were safe about it, you don't have anything, and you want a committed and happy relationship. Tell him that you have issues in your past (the molestation) and you have issues regarding sex, but that you want to have a good relationship with him. Take it slow with him. Relationships aren't problematic af on sex.

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  16. I'm not a fan of "big announcements" because it puts people in a position of having to react. Where as if the information comes out slowly, naturally, they can react over time as things unfold, rather than BOOM, feeling like they have to say something without time to adjust or process.

    How new is this new relationship? How much information and details are appropriate at this time? Is he asking for numbers? I DO think honesty is best because otherwise you will end up with someone who is not the best fit. Even though it may mean you lose some cool people along the way, it does give you a better shot at ending up with a truly compatible person.

    If you two get to know you, and he knows who you are etc, then if the number and circumstances come up, he will have that entire backround and profile of you to see it against. It's not the same as some random girl he knows nothing about other than how many partners she's had.

    You've been through a lot, so kudos to pulling your life back together! Keep getting the support etc you need to keep moving forward.

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  17. You're beyond that !! Today is new. Move forward!! It doesn't matter anymore! He's not at risk of anything! Don't expose him to that, unless you still have certain issues to deal with. He'll willing help you get over those things as a man ! And still no need for details of "how many" that's irrelevant!! "Don't mess up a good thing"

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  18. I don't think its necessary to tell him the details, there's no benefit of telling him the past, just move on and create a better future for both of you. when you are single, you can do whatever you want, who care what you do in the past? now that you want to commit to a relationship, just sleep with him only.

    women deserve to enjoy sex and to have a healthy and happy relationshp. we don't have to choose one.

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  19. Your honesty is the best thing about you.

    It's the best thing about anyone.
    What a shame we have to live in a way where we can't always be 100% with the people we 100% love.
    Our numbers are the same. I'll say the least. It's hard not to be stuck in that sticky situation..
    And I do, strongly and firmly believe that it's much harder for a woman to be sexually liberated than it is for a man. However, that's off topic.

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  20. As a progressive kind of guy I just have to give you props on being experienced! 🙂 I love a girl with experience who can show me the ropes! I bet you could teach me so many things huh? LOL that's so cool!

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  21. If you're bound to run into all these people you've slept with while you're with your SO, might as well just tell him the honest truth and say that you weren't happy in that time and that you're not that person anymore.

    If you've moved since then and haven't slept with the whole town, then whyya gotta bring it up? Seems unnecessary and like it's something you havent gotten over/ are ashamed of. I was molested on several occasions growing up, and during the turmoil in my teenage years that I've dealt with the consequences, I told all my exes of the time what I had been through to explain why I was the way I was and why I held some beliefs on relationships and sex. I hated hugging people and hated when my boyfriends stood too close behind me, but I'm over it now, don't mention it anymore, only bring it up in certain occasions instead of presenting it beforehand like it's a disease they should know about before they get too involved.

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  22. I have a bad past, my boyfriend found out that not so nice way when a friend of mine told him.
    I would say if he asks, say you have a past that you're not particularly proud of. I don't think you need to go into detail, if he wants to know a bit more just tell him you went through some tough times and found a coping mechanism, but now you've dealt with the problem or dealing with it.
    I don't think he'll want to to know the ins and outs.

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  23. He shouldn't care how many people you've slept with. Honestly, I feel like all men care on some level. They want someone who is "pure" which makes no sense because they normally aren't all that pure. If you want to be with him you should feel the need to hide things from him. If he decides he thinks you are a slut and calls you that, you know you need to get the fuck out.

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  24. I know words like "slut" and "whore" are kind of fun to say on occasion but seriously just because you are a woman who has sex... you are really screwing yourself over by calling yourself a whore or slut. WHY? Because a man will do the same thing and never call himself a slut or a whore. So you are imposing misogyny or sexism upon yourself. DONT DO THAT! I've been on both sides of this conversation... when I was younger, inexperienced, etc. a person that had many partners was the same as telling me that their dick or pussy was still wet and germy from the last 20 people they were with. Like some kind of dirty ghost was haunting their genitals and wanted me as their next victim. It was gross!

    Then like you, I got into a few situations where I thought random sex or whatever would do me a favor. Whatever the reasons are, you can NOT hate yourself for that. It's stupid! No one has walked in your shoes and if people dont get you, or they think you are disgusting, that is THEIR perspective or problem.

    They are entitled to it but that doesnt mean you are. Maybe this guy knows you have this history (or thinks you do) and in a passive aggresive way he's trying to let you know he doesnt want you acting out- so to speak. Or maybe you are at a place in your life where your past actions no longer apply to you but you dont know how to resolve them.

    Just from what I've read, this guy sounds like a dick. And you? I think in some corner of your heart you hate yourself for not being perfect or having lived this glossy life that you think others would admire. This is a bad bad combination where he will only validate what you dislike about yourself. Fuck him, and make peace with who you are.

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  25. Your numbers shouldn't matter. What should matter is how you act now. I think that the majority of us has done things that we wouldn't want our current partners to know. But, it's better to be open and honest. You can't truly be together if he doesn't truly know you, now and before. Explain to him everything you've said here and if he's the great guy you think he is, then he'll be ok with it. I can gaurantee you that he won't be super great with it, as no man would. But, he'll stick around if he loves you. After all, the past is the past. If we were all judged on our past, we'd all be swinging from the gallows.

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  26. What exactly do you define as a slut? Someone who has slept around, or someone who has slept around and been lucky enough not to have any lasting physical consequences, like an STD or unwanted pregnancy?

    I think that being a slut is not being discriminate about who you sleep with. You certainly have been that. But everyone can change. Don't lie. But you also don't necessarily have to just blurt it out. That's something to bring up when he wants to know.

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  27. If you feel like telling him tell him, if not don't. It doesn't really matter. If you're not planning on going anywhere the fact you slept with a lot of your friends shouldn't be much of a big deal as it won't really effect your current relationship at all. It may be something he likes. My bf takes me to a certain public toilet and watches while other guys fuck me.

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  28. I don't think you should feel bad, you were molested obviously it's going to have some effect on your sex life. That doesn't mean you're using it as an excuse, it means you had to learn to figure things out and get through it. I think the key is communicating with your SO..i mean you call him that for a reason, he's you're significant other so talk to him and let him know it's all in the past.

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  29. Can u say what u did is wrong? And if u do tell him what do u think hes gonna do. The answer is obvious and only ur judgement counts. Plus idk how well u can plan to u know "slip" this into a conversation smoothly or have a " sit down" lol. Tbh its kinda silly, whats past is past. And i know all thosr sayings people dont change blah blah blah its all bullshit. Believe in urself and ur partner and it'll work out. Of course problematic af on the facts uve given thru the post or does the secrets have more secrets ha

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    • honey the truth will come out eventually so if you lie just a little about numbers or keep it a secret all together if ive learned anything from the wide variety of movies ive watched and books ive read its that the truth will come out and it's usually easier to hear it from the original source not a secondary.

      but good luck 🙂
      xoxo K

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  30. Honestly, he doesn't need to know that. Past is past and I doubt it he will care. You're just stressing yourself out for nothing. he will only get paranoid and not trust that you won't do it again. so do yourself a favor and keep you're mouth shut. If he asked, then let him know unwillingly. But if he doesn't ask (which I doubt he would), just forget about it. Bringing something like that up is like signaling him that he has been warned, and that you would do it again next time. Besides, it just sounds like you're proud if it by telling him that.

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  31. I think if you you two truly believe you'll be spending your lives together, eventually it will come up, so you might as well tell him sooner rather than later. I would keep it vague unless he asks for more details.

    I had a lot of sexual partners before my current and like you I'm clean and completely faithful. Amount of sexual partners does not determine your integrity. If he can't attempt to understand your reasoning behind your past then IMO you deserve a better man. No one really likes knowing their partner has been with a lot of people, but being a big boy you suck it up and move on. It would be a shame to miss out on potentially the love of your life simply because your partner has had a past before you came into the picture.

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  32. If you think he'll be uncomfortable with the number, just say something along the lines of you made a lot of mistakes in your past with other guys and you don't wanna mess this up with him. But if he's persistent on the number of dudes then you have to eventually tell him and be honest about how you're a different person back then.

    I can understand why you're worried, but if you lie to him about the numbers and he finds out from other people (and he will, eventually) it will only make things worse. It'll make things rough and he may not like that you've slept with a lot of people, but tell him that it's in the past. Explain to him why you did it and if he really loves you then he'll understand. Neither of you can change what has happened in your past. Besides, you're clean so it should be alright.

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  33. When I was 18, I knew people who has slept with over 20 people. At 26, with this day and age... 100 people is not *that* much.

    However, I did find it grodi knowing they hada let so many people have sex with them. It really isn't his business though and will only cause negative things in your relationship if you tell him. At least I think so. If you have your emotions and legs together nowadays and are fully commited to him, I don't see the issue. SO unless you feel the need to, leave that info out. If he asks, if you do not wanna speak about it do not. If you do and he must know, tell him the truth but warn him he may not like it.

    SO! Those are my thoughts.

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  34. As long as you fully know that you do not have any STDs, I don't think you necessarily need to tell him everything. If he asks, then you should definitely tell him, but I always see those things as personal. I don't ask guys I've dated how many girls they've slept with. If they want to tell me, that's their thing, but I don't really care as long as they don't have any STDs.

    On the other hand, if it was that much a part of your life you should probably tell him a little bit because he deserves to know who he is dating, not to say you're the same person, but past experiences shape who people become to an extent.

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  35. My boyfriend and I subscribe to the don't ask, don't tell policy. It's no secret to either of us that we've both had other people before each other, but we also don't let that knowledge affect our relationship. Anything that is important (significant issues like rape, STD testing, and such) has been discussed so that neither one of us has any past sexual hang-ups affecting what we do now.

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  36. tell him when you've built some trust and he can handle it. you want someone to love you not only when you're at your best, but also at your worst. if this is a big part of your life, or was, then eventually he should know a bit about it (not everything..) and accept you for it.

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  37. Honesty is usually the best policy, but you mentioned he's violent. Perfect excuse to keep those skeletons in the closet lol.

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      • the people I have known, who slept around, had underlying issues. so it isn't the number of people that they have slept with that bugs me more than I usually steer away from them because the ones that I've known were psychos or had emotional issues that they hid inside that they didn't resolve. not all are like this, but from my experiences. it just continues to spiral into deeper emotional mess if not much is done to help. so the person doesn't owe me anything. they owe it to themselves to resolve their own inner issues.

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  38. Don't be dishonest, because that would break trust which is one cornerstone of a long term relationship. That being said, don't treat him like some confessor and divulge everything.

    If he asks, introduce him to the person that you were during this time. Try and get him to understand why you behaved this way in your past, and reassure him that with him being beside you you've grown beyond that past. Admit feelings of shame, if they're felt, and give him the numbers if he asks.

    Let him know that it's because you only want to be with him now, that you feel comfortable to truly be honest with him and yourself. If he loves you, truly with unconditional love, he will get past this and remain by your side, as friend, lover, and companion.

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  39. He has the right to have his own views for sex (as do you), but if they're that incompatible with yours then it's better that you're honest and if he leaves then it's his loss. You deserve a guy that understands and embraces all of you, including your past.

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    • I agree. Tell him. You'll find that you'll have some weight lifted off your shoulders. Since you've been around so much like you say -- he may find out from someone else. Better to find out from you.

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    • This! Your past made you who you are today, someone this guy is obviously already interested in. If he cannot accept you for who you are and the person you are today, then he is not worth keeping.

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