I have just begun a new relationship and I’m totally into it. This guy could be the guy.
But there’s a problem. I pride myself on honesty, and I don’t know if my certain things about my past (body count and alcoholism) is information I want to share with my new S/O.
I might have already told him if not for the fact he has openly said how much he cannot stand people who sleep around a lot. He has also frowned on drunks, and even knocked one out once for coming up to him and slurring his words.
And… I have slept with a considerable amount of people. Considerable may even be an understatement.
I lost my virginity at 17 and had slept with only three people by the age of 21 — all boyfriends. But since then (I am now 26) I have had PIV sex with around 80-90 guys. Triple that if you count blowjobs and being finger banged or eaten out.
Alcohol was definitely a factor in a lot of these liaisons. That’s the other thing. I was pretty much drunk off my rocker around six days a week. At work when I had a job? Drunk. At home all alone? Drunk. Clubbing? Drunk… and high on whatever was available.
So yeah, I had several long years of a lot of one night stands. In my defense, around half were men that I was seeing. The complete stranger kind of one night stands I only did a dozen or so times.
It was never about sex, if you’ll believe it. Because with the help of my therapist, I’ve discovered the reason I was slutting around so much. I was trying to make myself feel better. To find some appreciation and affection from somewhere.
In fact, I hate sex and have never enjoyed it. But I wanted to so desperately that I tried to find some kind of connection and enjoyment with someone physically. I was molested by my first boyfriend (I was 17 and he was 31) and I don’t want to use it as an excuse… but I know that the sexually and physically abusive relationships that I experienced early on have had an impact on my adult sex life.
This year I have slept with only three people. One was a friend who I was always sleeping with from time to time, and who I’ve been to Alcoholics Anonymous with, so I guess that doesn’t really count. The other was a guy I was seeing for a little bit. And now #CurrentGuy.
I have not slutted around like I used to for over a year now. I know that I want to be with #CurrentGuy forever and he has told me that he feels the same. That’s why I don’t want to hide anything from him.
But is there a polite way to say “I’ve slept around, but I am not a slut“? Is there a way to reassure him I’m his forever?
I have always been tested for STDs, and used protection. I have never had an STD, fallen pregnant, or done gangbangs (some things are best kept in the fantasy realm) more than once.
Should I hide or tone down the numbers as suggested in How to hide a promiscuous past from your new man? Is it wrong to hide this from him? I keep wrangling with these moral qualms and need someone to just tell me what to do.
Please understand that I am not a bad person and would never cheat on him. And I need him to understand this about me. I just don’t want him to think less of me when that drunk slut is no longer the person that I am.
I also kind of know that if I do tell him everything about my past he will never trust me again. I know that he will look at me in a completely different, probably negative, light.
