You think you’re still 40 years away from retirement? Think again: your clothes, your habits, your driving style, even the fact that you bought a sophisticated dishwasher might all be good signs that you’re almost there already.
Look, in the event you find yourself in any one of the situations below, there is still hope. But if you recognize yourself in more than a few: my friend, you are getting old.
#1. You really hate teenagers
Look at them and their wacky looking hair. And why does half of their vocabulary consist of “bruh” and “let’s go!”? They’re so disrespectful and ungrateful, and they think they know everything. And look at those girls they hang out with. Too much makeup, too many mental illnesses, too much money spent on brand name clothing.
And all that free time wasted aping other little mongoloids on TikTok. Why not start a business?
#2. You root for cops during protests
Back in the day you put together your own little street protest regarding recycling or Jenna Jameson retiring from the industry or whatever else was trendy back then. You might have even gotten laid on the beach or in a dark alley because of it.
But those days are gone and now you’re annoyed by that kind of stuff. Why can’t the pansy ass cops just use a waterhose already? They’re fucking blocking the traffic.
#3. You over-plan trips
Remember when you first got your license? It was a license for freedom, experimenting, overcoming the physical proximity issues you’ve had with your internet romance, an adventure every weekend.
Now any trip longer than 50 miles requires more planning than launching a space ship; triple checking the oil level, making sure your friend’s still got your spare key and he knows what your fish likes to eat and how much water your plants need, calling your mom, cousin, and landlord to make sure they know about your whereabouts and, of course, calling your bank to make sure your credit cards will work out of town.
#4. You have a cat, and you worry about its mental health
Every meow coming out of your cat makes you feel guilty of neglect, because you haven’t seen it the whole day, because you work so much, and because you don’t buy it the most expensive treats.
Then, in the evening, you play with your cat for 30 minutes to one hour, hoping to make your pet feel better and gain some self confidence.
Finally you go to sleep thinking of strange cat mental disorders your other friends have discovered in their own companion like Separation Anxiety or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
#5. You look for different things in the opposite sex
As a young spirit in this world your decision making pattern about the opposite sex is a mix between the amount of drinks you threw back, the amount of time since your last lucky night, and a random roll of the dice. Simple, yet efficient.
Now you find yourself weighing in complicated features like self respect, what will your co-workers think of him/her, the possibility of a future together, and literature preferences. Well, does he even read?
#6. You leave events early to beat the traffic
See: live concerts, movie premieres, weddings, funerals. Now really, is there any event in the world that really requires your presence until the very last second? Because every 5 minutes you spend at the [insert event] equals 45 minutes of being stuck in traffic on your way to the highway.
#7. You don’t have that many drinking buddies
Saturday night used to translate as “the night when we drink indecent quantities of beer/wine and make complete asses of ourselves.” Is that still right? Not anymore, huh? That doesn’t really go well with your friend who is a member of the Parent Advisory Council for elementary school or the doctor performing open heart surgery on Monday.
So you end up drinking box wine with yourself in your apartment, watching all seasons of your favorite TV show from a decade ago yet another time, and falling asleep on the couch with the lights on.
#8. You behave like a Japanese tourist
Getting stoned in Amsterdam? Getting laid in Berlin? Not really what you’re looking for since that memorable day when you bought the Lonely Planet travel guide. You’ve got bookmarks all over it and now you mostly care about the 17th century Golden Age of Amsterdam or visiting the building where the Greater Berlin Act was signed in the 20th century.
You’re also wondering why on Earth someone would make fun of Japanese tourists that did that no longer than 5 years ago. That someone was you.
#9. You buy seated tickets to concerts
Used to be you’d buy first floor circle tickets so you can shake your head to the gods of rock. Now the people that do that scare the shit out of you. Yeah, you still like the jam, but you’d rather like it from a comfortable seat, sipping a glass of medium dry Chardonnay and wondering what ever happened to ZZ Top. And what’s with everyone filming everything?
#10. You find excuses to go for walks
Or maybe you’ve even given up the pretense of having an excuse. You just go for walks, because they’re good for you. Ahhhh, your aging cardiovascular system feels more refreshed with every pointless step to nowhere in particular. To a young person, this is ridiculous. You understand that, don’t you?
So be honest and tally up how many of these signs describe you. It’s time to admit it. You are, in fact, an old person now.