The (many) lies porn tells

Porn counting goes like this: 1, 2, 3, Gang, “INSERT FANTASY NUMBER HERE.” And basically everything else is a lie also.

Everyone knows porn isn’t reality. Or do they? Here are 17 of the most common lies spread by the adult content world; starting, of course, with the most obvious:

#1. That the sex is is any way, shape, or form realistic

Reddit’s u/Jenn_There_Done_That, who used to be a porn star, explains:

As an ex porn “actress” I can tell you that it really isn’t real. All of the positions are chosen based on what looks good on cameras and what won’t block the camera from seeing genitals. So a good position that rubs your clit won’t be used in porn because your bodies are too close together and it blocks the shot.

Also, the crew usually cuts for 30-40 minutes for the woman to prep for anal. They do enemas and take pain killers and get ready with dildos and rub coke on their ass to numb it, all kinds of stuff, but you watch the movie and it looks like the guy just goes straight from sex to sticking it in her butt.

The point is, porn sets an unrealistic and even physically unhealthy standards (like they will make it look like the guy goes from anal to vaginal sex, but if you do that in real life without washing you’d get an infection) and kids should be warned about it. Especially young women who could get hurt or get a nasty infection from copying porn.

#2. That older women (milf/cougars) are horny 24/7

C’mon now.

#3. That porn is a viable pipeline to mainstream

You’re not cast as the stripper who dances naked at the bachelor party and then has a coat hook put through the back of her head while she’s fucking the star because you have potential as a character actress. You’ll get offered “junkie hooker #3” because junkie hookers #1 and #2 get to keep their clothes on and there’s a line of real actresses out the door fighting to do those parts. And getting a five episode story arc on CSI doesn’t count when they’re using your notoriety for free publicity.

The mainstream’s happy to inject a little pornster sex-appeal when they need it, and know most are so desperate for mainstream recognition they’ll take $250 for a twelve hour day as long as they don’t have to screw anyone.

#4. That girls want to be rammed as hard and fast as possible

Sex is an art, not a powertool.

#5. That porn stars are rich

If you grew up in a town where having tread on your spare tire made you wealthy, porn is incredibly lucrative. If you think it’s unfair to get paid $2,000 for a movie named after you that makes $500,000 in its first year of release, you might not be porn star material.

The average studio contract is about $75K a year and if you’re lucky you’ll hold it for five. During that time you’ll eat as carefully, and train as hard, as a professional athlete. You won’t be able to start a family, and you’ll exclude yourself permanently from a range of other career options in return for the take-home pay of a McDonalds night-manager.

Porn’s like professional sport, the rich people are the (content) owners. Unlike professional sport there is no minimum wage, hardly any licensing and no players association. Want to be a rich adult performer? Get incredibly lucky on OnlyFans with some kind of zany one-of-a-kind scheme.

#6. That you’re supposed to bounce up and down on the D like a frog

Welcome to penis breakage town, which is real, and terrible.

#7. That dirty talk involves abusing women

Despite what it says on the box, if you call a woman (even a porn performer) a “nasty cum-drinking bitch” when you’re not having sex with her, she’s probably going to knee you in the nuts. Maybe even if you say it during the act.

The tubby manchildren and misogynists who market porn want you to think the way they view women is how women in porn see themselves. Try calling a performer a “dirty cock-socket” at a trade-show if you think it is, in fact, true. Watch your head.

#8. That girls LOVE cum in their mouths and all over their faces

C’mon, dawg.

#9. Everything seen in “reality” porn

You go for a drive with a few friends. Seeing a cute girl on the street you stop to offer her a ride. She sees four guys in a van, one of whom has a video camera, and gets in.

You ask to see her tits and she says no, so you offer her a hundred bucks to fuck you and your buddy.

She thinks about it, realizes she’s always wanted to be a prostitute, asks for two hundred, and jumps on your dick. You’re not wearing a rubber and she’s a total stranger but neither of you are worried because, like, what are the odds?

You stop the van and persuade her to get out. Then “for a joke” you drive off without paying her and sell the video on the internet and it gets millions of views on the biggest porn sites on the net.

She obviously doesn’t tell anyone because you manage to do this three times a week in the same neighborhood without any difficulty for then next five years.

If that seems real too you — man you have to see this bridge…

#10. That women blow the stripper at bachelorette parties

C’mon, dawg #3.

#11. Cock length and bust size

New rule. Any guy claiming to pack over nine inches has to photograph their junk beside an ice-pick like an explorer who’s found a strange footprint.

And guys, the number in a bra-size is a chest measurement. 54C? That’s Barbra Bush. Enjoy your masturbation.

#12. Sex ends in orgasm for the girl

And they are supposed to scream and have an “orgasm face,” as well. Only about half of women get an orgasm, and it doesn’t look like that.

#13. Gangbang numbers

We’ll forget that you’re watching a gangbang and what that means — “There are hundred of guys standing around wanking in this movie and one bored woman… I’m buying it.”

But given testing costs, catering logistics and basic rates of pay you’d be insane to believe the numbers producers put on the boxes of “gangbang” pornos.

Even if you could get 500 guys in a room, tested, fed and paid half of them wouldn’t be able to get it up, half of those left wouldn’t be able to get it out, and half of the remainder would sneeze all over the thighs of the guy in front of him while waiting in line for seconds. It’s why gangbang movies always have a number of well-known male performers on-hand to do the job. Porn counting goes like this: 1, 2, 3, Gang, “INSERT FANTASY NUMBER HERE.”

#14. That threesomes are easy

It’s hard work coordinating all those limbs, and not worth it at all.

#15. That “teens” are not full grown adults

Women are only teenage and legal for two years. Tiffany Teen’s been online since 2003 and if you think that she was eighteen when she started… wanna buy a bridge? You can’t really fault women who exploit the borderline-pedophile market but seriously, when was the last time you saw a real teenager in a pink mini-skirt and pigtails?

#16. Fame

The most famous pornographers are Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and Ron Jeremy. Hefner’s an institution (that institution’s a cross between Michael Jackson’s Neverland and a Greyhound station) while Flynt and Jeremy are both thirty-year veterans who’ve been the subject of mainstream movies.

Jenna? A distant fourth, and being fourth most famous anything is like being the fourth largest army in the world — India — no one cares. Porn will not make you famous — unless you think that the ninth most famous magician in America’s a pretty famous dude (admit it – you got stuck after David Copperfield, David Blaine, Siegfried and Roy).

#17. “Alt” porn

Traditionally porn performers get paid a fixed daily rate, don’t get any residual pay and have no real control over the product they’re in. The product itself features skinny white girls from the flyover states who get hired because of how they look and how they fuck. Or is that alt-porn? Janine’s been rocking tatts and attitude for a decade while raising two kids without ever being labeled ‘alt’ anything. A tattoo and a bad dye-job is not going to upset ‘the system’ and the ‘alternative’ to traditional porn is independence, control and new ideas not haircuts, piercings and hip records.

This one is no longer valid due to OnlyFans, I’ll admit.