A teen mom guide to parenting, according to Hollywood

A step by step tutorial to total dysfunction via MTV's hit TV show about teenage mothers.

It’s amazing more sixteen-year-old girls aren’t terrified of their own vaginas what with these teenage mom shows being so popular.

One in particular, Teen Mom, follows a group of adolescent mothers as stumble through parenting while staying true to their teen selves. Their approach to raising a child works zero percent of the time, and that’s what makes it one of the greatest shows on TV right now.

We don’t know where these girls got their ideas on how to transform infants into functional human beings, but we imagine the guide went something like this.

So let’s begin.

Rule #1: make yourself useless

The first step into becoming a Teen Mom is to make sure that what you are good at has no applicable use whatsoever. When others were studying in class, you were trying to figure out if you should dye your hair blue black or black black, and how good a tramp stamp would look just above your ass crack compared to how good it would look two inches above your ass crack.

We’re not saying that all people who have kids at young ages are universal mistakes, but usually the reason that teens try to stay un-child-burdened is because they have, you know, a future to worry about. Not you, though.

Rule #2: Get a dead-beat baby-daddy

When it comes to reality TV parenting, first off, the dad can’t want his kid. Many men dream of having a son they can teach lessons and sports and stuff to. With Teen Mom, the baby-daddy dreams of dropping the kid off on an orphanage doorstep and making it back to his truck in under twenty seconds. If your ‘I’ll pull out’ bf displays any skills that would make him a good father, hell, a good boyfriend, dump the sucker. He doesn’t have the balls to abandon a living being.

Rule #3: Hate your family

If your parents promise to help raise the kid while you follow your dreams, cut ties with them immediately. There can’t be any World’s Best Grandpa here. More likely phrases on the coffee cup should be ‘Grandmother Who’s Best at Manipulating Her Way out of Assault and Battery Charges.’ A lack of communication, combined with years of mutual loathing is vital.

Rule #4: Fuck happy childhood memories

Finding a good preschool or making sure there’s enough food isn’t a big deal. Screaming into a pillow in your room  is better. You’re here to be a Teen Mom, and by god, you’re going to have all the emotional breakdowns that you want. In front of the baby. Nothing says first childhood memories like an eighteen-year-old couple coming close to stabbing each other to death.

Rule #5: You can do what you want

Go to clubs. Sneak into bars. Hook up with dudes who think you’re special. Job applications? Drop them off at your dead-beat parents’ along with the baby. There’s nothing more important than the time the kid gets to spend completely by itself while you sob off your excess mascara in a parking lot.

One of our favorite moms is Farrah, because she’s hot.

At the start of Season 3, she considers getting cosmetic surgery. She’s broke, but being a model will probably fix that. You have to spend money to make money. Does the baby need formula or do you need a new nose? Really, can’t the kid just fix himself a sandwich or something? He’s got hands.