It Happened To Me: I'm a failed transwoman & watch yuri anime to cope Yuri (lesbian) anime shows me what life could be like for me if only I could pass as a cis woman. Instead, I'm a masculine MtF freak.

I hate myself.

I hate my disgusting flat chested body. I hate how I almost never pass day to day, while cis women can pass without makeup and figure hugging clothing. And most of all, I hate how dysfunctional my genitals are. They are nothing like a cis woman's vagina, and even with vaginoplasty, they will NEVER be an acceptable analogue.

How do I cope with this, you ask?

Yuri (Japanese: 百合, lit. "lily"), also known by the wasei-eigo construction girls' love (ガールズラブ, gāruzu rabu), is a genre of Japanese media focusing on intimate relationships between female characters.

Well, I spend my days watching yuri anime. That way, I can know what I'm missing out on, and what life is supposed to be.

It's very idealistic and narrow, sure, I'll give you that; but, even if I'm a generic stereotypical female, it's better than being a hollow husk of whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be.

I always stare at their ample-breasted, curvy, perfectly proportioned bodies, and their functional genitala; and I wonder why I couldn't be born that way, why can't I just have a good female body?

I also look longingly while they're in their lover's embrace, wondering how the fuck I ended up with a more masculine than me trans girlfriend, instead of with a cis female.

Cis females never give me the fucking time of day. They are either not into me because they don't see me as a woman, they are completely androphilic, or straight up taken.

To be honest, dating a partner more masculine than me is fucking taxing. Half the time, my brain sees them as a guy, and it's psychologically taxing due to my history of sexual assault, abuse... and above all else... me being a lesbian.

I despise all these lesbians in healthy relationships. They managed to be born happy, and they have the NERVE to rear their ugly heads and complain how their life sucks because their dad disowned them. Sweetie, I lost 90% of my friends corning out, and I have a mostly transphobic family. I also barely even get to see my little sister, and all I have to show for it is a body that looks barely different than me pm-transition.

You have no idea how much I've cut myself, how many times I've wanted to straight up fucking die, how many times I actually wanted to die, how many times I've held a knife near my crotch and considered hacking it off, how many times I've cried myself to sleep wishing that my family would actually accept me as female, and how many FUCKING times that I wished I could've just been a normal girl, in a normal lesbian relationship.

THAT is why I watch yuri anime so fucking much.

It gives me what I don't have, it fills that hole in my heart, plasters over the void. THAT'S IF I even get to watch a full episode. I have ADHD, I can barely sit through one fucking episode.

My time is mostly spent crying while looking at hentai pics, with the only friend I can trust: my wand vibrator, steadily shaking my crotch.

Dilation is now more affordable than ever. This VUVA dilator set which has glowing customer ratings only runs you about $10 per piece.

You have no goddamn idea of my sense of longing, how much I would slaughter every friend I've ever had just to be a girl. You don't fucking know my pain. No one does, especially not a neurotypical cishet who hasn't so much of an ounce of dysmorphia.

I'm sick of these cis people telling me I have it easy, and trying to force me into the wrong bathroom on a daily basis.

That's all I've got to say.

Does anyone else watch yuri anime to cope?

This confession was originally published on the r/MtF subreddit, but was removed for provoking discussion, as is the Reddit custom. We are happy to rehome it, and we hope you have valuable feedback for the author.

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9 thoughts on “<span class="entry-title-primary">It Happened To Me: I'm a failed transwoman & watch yuri anime to cope</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">Yuri (lesbian) anime shows me what life could be like for me if only I could pass as a cis woman. Instead, I'm a masculine MtF freak.</span>”

  1. The price is a little steep (for a 6 pieces of polycarbonate plastic) but the results speak for themselves! My previous dilators were not BPA-free so I was more reluctant to use them for fear of poisoning myself. These VuVa brand dilators were just what I needed to dilate more!

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  2. I always wonder if those hormone patch can be use directly on the nipple. Also, apparently there's a research about women who had menopause has more effective hrt by taking it thru anal dousing.

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  3. You're not going to like what I have to tell you.
    You seem to have an excuse for everything.
    I think you are one of those people who blame other people for every problem you have because you refuse to take responsibilty for your own actions/life and are too lazy to put forth the effort to make things better for yourself.
    We call people like you "perpetual victims". Nothing is ever your fault. You want this and that but instead of taking the action needed to get it, you blame others for your shortcomings and try to get people to feel bad for you. Your entire article is about how you wilfully and intentionally engage in self destructive behavior and how we should all feel bad for you for it.
    Have you ever considered the fact that you might be a self centered poopyhole? Maybe that's why your friends and family don't want to talk to you. Not because of your sexual or gender orientation, but because they are all sick of your self imposed drama and your selfish "poor me" bullshit.

    Life is hard. Nobody owes you anything. Truth can hurt.
    We all have the ability to better our lives and the lives of those around us.
    You don't like your situation? Get off of your ass and do something about it.
    And when you fail, try again. Don't give up.

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  4. Relatable. The only thing missing was a clear Amazon Affiliate link for me to purchase something and cope further.

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  5. Oh jeez where to start...

    First of all I'm sure 99% of the girls here wish they were cis.

    Secondly, saying that vaginoplasty isn't an acceptable analogue is pretty rude to those happy with their neovaginas.

    Also your hatred for those that complain about their problems is abhorrent. Just because you may have had a rough life doesnt invalidate other people's problems. I understand you're extremely dysphoric but you gotta understand life isn't the depression olympics.

    I am sorry for how you feel, I'm sure we've all been there. However I really feel you need to develop a healthier outlet for dysphoria than anime. Try talking to a professional, I wish you the best.

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    • >First of all I'm sure 99% of the girls here wish they were cis.
      No, they don’t. Every transgirl I’ve talked to for the past few months has been one of those kooky trenders who always talks about how being trans is fun, and that they’re openly trans and would never choose to be cis. I highly doubt it’s 99%, more like 70% at best…

      >Secondly, saying that vaginoplasty isn't an acceptable analogue is pretty rude to those happy with their neovaginas.
      I’m gonna say “alrighty, do whatever makes you happy”, but I’m not gonna pretend it’s an acceptable analogue. That would be like me looking at a pirate esque peg leg, and a normal functional human leg, and thinking “hmm… you know, there’s no difference between these. They’re the same.” It would be wrong. Will I mock those who do? No. But will I admit they’re the same to a cis woman’s vagina even so much as 50%? No, and I’m allowed to read up and make an informed decision on what I think.

      >Also your hatred for those that complain about their problems is abhorrent. Just because you may have had a rough life doesnt invalidate other people's problems. I understand you're extremely dysphoric but you gotta understand life isn't the depression olympics.
      So you’re saying that a war veteran who gets his arms blown off fighting for our country, and a little kid who stubs his toe have experienced the same pain? Face it, pain isn’t freaking equal.

      If you tell a grizzled war veteran that a kid who stubbed his toe has gone through just as much pain as him, he’d probably start clobbering you to death. It’s the same thing here. If you genuinely believe that your dad disowning you is as bad as ALL of your close friends leaving you, your family non-stop bullying you, and your own MOTHER refusing to treat a DEADLY medical condition, then I don’t know what to tell you, except that you’re freaking delusional.

      >I am sorry for how you feel, I'm sure we've all been there. However I really feel you need to develop a healthier outlet for dysphoria than anime.
      Like what? Suicide. Cause I’ve freaking tried that, and it didn’t work out. I’ve tried every form of therapy imaginable, and all of them didn’t work aside from temporary relief, but not permanent changes.

      >Try talking to a professional
      With what money? I’m freaking unemployed. Do you expect me to go out and suck random guys’ dicks to afford my hospital fees?

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      • A child who stubbed their toe might be experiencing the worst pain in their entire life so far, It's entirely relative. That's like saying you can never be hungry because there are starving children in africa with less food.

        A neo vagina is almost functionally identical to a cis vagina apart from reproduction. Most women have lubrication and can easily orgasm. Calling neovaginas fake is super rude to all post op women so cut that shit out.

        Now I dont recommend suicide or cutting but I still recommend something a bit healthier than binging anime all the time when it clearly triggers your dysphoria. Try like a hobby, art, music, anything.

        As for money, you're young so I'm sure many fast food/ retail places would be happy to hire you. People look down on part time work but it's still a job. Also, I don't suggest it as a first choice but sex work is still real work, albeit dangerous.

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        • >A neo vagina is almost functionally identical to a cis vagina apart from reproduction. Most women have lubrication and can easily orgasm. Calling neovaginas fake is super rude to all post op women so cut that shit out.
          Stop spewing shit.

          An excerpt from a trans woman who doesn’t want to encourage flesh pocket fetishes:

          “I'm a transwoman. Have been for 20+ years. No surgery, yet. One of the big reasons I was in the closet for so long was because I was not comfortable with surgical options available, and I still am not, although in the last few years as I've become more comfortable I understand it's not a necessity.

          I've seen a lot of myths being spread, trying to push the idea that a neovagina is the same as a cisvagina. People pushing anecdotes as fact or in some cases just choosing to believe, and bullying/punishing people that say otherwise.

          Neovaginas have some pretty distinct limitations. They are NOT vaginas, as the vagina is a distinct organ, and we have to use penile/scrotal tissue to build something as close as we can. Primary differences from cisvaginas:

          Lack of rugae (internal ridges and texture)

          Lack of lubrication (Some transwomen claim to lubricate but this is not supported by any studies I have seen (Colon vaginoplasties can lubricate, but not with the same substance and not in the same way). What's more, vaginal lubrication is filtered blood plasma, something the vagina as an organ does, which neovaginas are simply not capable of)

          Musculature. The vagina is a muscle itself, a neovagina is not. Vaginas stretch, cisvaginas do not.

          Need to dilate consistently, even though the need to do so may decrease with time it will never not be necessary.

          I'm sorry, but I find it really freaking irresponsible to keep pushing this idea that there is no difference. I've even seen people push the idea that a neovagina somehow magically morphs into a cisvagina after an amount of time.”

          Not to mention that neovaginas can’t even do things as basic as standard female orgasm control, the clitoris has actual internal anatomy and isn’t a shaved down penis head, and more often than not, the labia ends up looking disgustingly symmetrical, and nothing like a cis woman’s, not even with nerve sensations.

          Do some actual freaking research into this surgery meant purely to take advantage of a vulnerable audience and to fetishize vaginas as a penetration hole and nothing more. A vagina isn’t just a penetration hole made of colon tissue and a bisected penis, it’s an actual organ that tries to maintain homeostasis and has many unique functions.

          >Now I dont recommend suicide or cutting but I still recommend something a bit healthier than binging anime all the time when it clearly triggers your dysphoria. Try like a hobby, art, music, anything.
          ADHD prevents me from doing any but video games. And trust me, I’ve freaking tried. I literally cannot draw for more than 10 minutes without my ADHD meds.

          >As for money, you're young so I'm sure many fast food/ retail places would be happy to hire you. People look down on part time work but it's still a job. Also, I don't suggest it as a first choice but sex work is still real work, albeit dangerous.
          I can’t even get a job there. Even if my anxiety was treated, I have no damn care. It’s hard enough to find a job, let alone one within walking distance. That’s IF I find one that’s willing to even consider hiring a trans person.

          I don’t care about how dangerous sex work is anyway, I don’t have much to lose either way. I’ve done porn before, and I’d turn to prostitution if I was desperate enough. Too bad all these conceited sex workers are rude to me instead of giving me pointers.

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          • You're projecting your internalized transphobia on others super hard. You're clearly too angry at the world to make rational thought and continuing to bite the hand that attempts to feed you so im done talking. I still wish you the best, but you really need help.

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