I hate myself.
I hate my disgusting flat chested body. I hate how I almost never pass day to day, while cis women can pass without makeup and figure hugging clothing. And most of all, I hate how dysfunctional my genitals are. They are nothing like a cis woman's vagina, and even with vaginoplasty, they will NEVER be an acceptable analogue.
How do I cope with this, you ask?
Well, I spend my days watching yuri anime. That way, I can know what I'm missing out on, and what life is supposed to be.
It's very idealistic and narrow, sure, I'll give you that; but, even if I'm a generic stereotypical female, it's better than being a hollow husk of whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be.
I always stare at their ample-breasted, curvy, perfectly proportioned bodies, and their functional genitala; and I wonder why I couldn't be born that way, why can't I just have a good female body?
I also look longingly while they're in their lover's embrace, wondering how the fuck I ended up with a more masculine than me trans girlfriend, instead of with a cis female.
Cis females never give me the fucking time of day. They are either not into me because they don't see me as a woman, they are completely androphilic, or straight up taken.
To be honest, dating a partner more masculine than me is fucking taxing. Half the time, my brain sees them as a guy, and it's psychologically taxing due to my history of sexual assault, abuse... and above all else... me being a lesbian.
I despise all these lesbians in healthy relationships. They managed to be born happy, and they have the NERVE to rear their ugly heads and complain how their life sucks because their dad disowned them. Sweetie, I lost 90% of my friends corning out, and I have a mostly transphobic family. I also barely even get to see my little sister, and all I have to show for it is a body that looks barely different than me pm-transition.
You have no idea how much I've cut myself, how many times I've wanted to straight up fucking die, how many times I actually wanted to die, how many times I've held a knife near my crotch and considered hacking it off, how many times I've cried myself to sleep wishing that my family would actually accept me as female, and how many FUCKING times that I wished I could've just been a normal girl, in a normal lesbian relationship.
THAT is why I watch yuri anime so fucking much.
It gives me what I don't have, it fills that hole in my heart, plasters over the void. THAT'S IF I even get to watch a full episode. I have ADHD, I can barely sit through one fucking episode.
My time is mostly spent crying while looking at hentai pics, with the only friend I can trust: my wand vibrator, steadily shaking my crotch.
You have no goddamn idea of my sense of longing, how much I would slaughter every friend I've ever had just to be a girl. You don't fucking know my pain. No one does, especially not a neurotypical cishet who hasn't so much of an ounce of dysmorphia.
I'm sick of these cis people telling me I have it easy, and trying to force me into the wrong bathroom on a daily basis.
That's all I've got to say.
Does anyone else watch yuri anime to cope?
This confession was originally published on the r/MtF subreddit, but was removed for provoking discussion, as is the Reddit custom. We are happy to rehome it, and we hope you have valuable feedback for the author.