We asked a primitive ChatGPT ancestor for good sex positions and the results are horrifying We trained an AI to ponder life's great questions, such as how to get off even harder.

We are trying to improve and optimize everything with AI these days, so why not sex also? That was my first thought when I first learned of Talk to Transformer, an interface to OpenAI’s GPT 2 language model. (That’s fancy talk for this AI will talk about any subject you care to prompt it with.)

I played around with this thing for about an hour, prompting the AI with lines such as “the best sex position is,” and saved the most interesting finds for your edification. Some of these sex positions aren’t even possible on this plane of existence so you know it’s gonna get really hot.

The Zygomaticus position

“The best sexual position is, in my opinion, the Zygomaticus position. In this position, the vagina is between the legs of the man and is held open with a push up, similar to a diaper. This position is a no-no for me. It gives the man a view of my vagina from behind, which is generally what I am looking for in a new lover. I am not in control and I can feel my fluids running out of me as I am pushed up against him.”

DON’T DO THIS

“The best sex position is laying down with your legs up. You can also put your body weight on your knees as well, so as you continue to insert the suction cup into your vagina, your breasts can press against the suction cup. Then, you will be able to lift the head of the suction cup, getting the suction cup deeper into the vagina. You can do this on the floor, on a couch or even in a bed. Just make sure the suction cup is inserted all the way.”

Use of a make-up marker

“The best sex position is to sit sideways on your partner’s lap. This is the position you will use for missionary and half-whips. This position is very arousing because you’re simultaneously lying on top of each other and of course in a position that’s a little uncomfortable, but makes you both feel like you’re melting in that moment.

The placement of your ass-cheeks and lips depends on your body. Look down as if you’re measuring yourself against a piece of tape, using a make-up marker to get an idea of your size.”

Condom around her thigh

“You’re never allowed to use your cock directly on her leg or any part of her body — the only place you can use it is on her bottom. (The condom, which should be around her thigh, should have been hanging loosely at the ankles).”

The Otris

“The best sex position is what we call an otris. How does it work? You’re lying on your side, comfortably on top of your partner. You lie against his or her hips, so they’re resting on you. You thrust into him or her, moving slowly with short, hard thrusts. You pause between thrusts, then slowly move your hips back and forth to experience the sensations of orgasms, called hermus. If you are inexperienced, you can use his or her hand to feel her muscles.”

His head in her hand

“If you’re looking for a great sex position, start with a hand position. Start by coming down on her hand with your face. And then, without asking, position your knees (where you can reach) and take your other hand with yours between your legs. As you continue to hold your position in the pose, push your hips back towards her pelvis. Notice how you’re constantly feeling and communicating pleasure from her hand. What’s most important here is that she doesn’t have to touch you.”

“The Perfect Backdoor Orgasm position”

“Use of the Perfect Backdoor Orgasm position will require some practice and a dedicated partner. This position can be slightly painful, but it is extremely pleasurable. It should be noted that any amount of pain or discomfort can be a good thing; a person can work in any amount of pain, but there is no shame in working in pain for a challenge! What to expect: The Perfect Backdoor Orgasm position can be deeply satisfying. The intimacy and intimacy will be considered a virtue in society, not an evil. After achieving the correct alignment for the ATC position, which you should do during sex on the first try, partner and both simply insert their genitals into the rear wall of your vagina. The rectal area should be positioned high on the vagina. If you find yourself having an orgasm too quickly, such as by stopping only once you’ve reached your “expectations”, use “smooth” backdoors to slow your orgasm.”

“Super-coreive” (“similar to a ball-bounce”)

“The best position for a clitoris is a super-coreive position. A super-coreive position is a position that pulls the clitoris in toward the vagina, just as a coffin is pulled in toward the coffin. (A coffin is the word for the coffin-shaped body of a deceased. The wide opening in the coffin can help lighten the effect of the light.) A super-coreive position is similar to a ball-bounce.”

Just go in the direction he is going

“The best sex position I can find is anything between missionary and his ass, since he can use his hips to help it. Since you’re using his ass, I just go in the direction he is going. When I get to his ass, it’s like you’re taking control of me, and it takes it for you. I’ll ask him for the instructions. He loves to be taught, but then gets annoyed when it goes wrong. He will hum while I tell him what to do. When he is ready to cum, he’ll ask me to kiss him.”

“Rub your cocks against your ass”

“The best sex position is when you are lying down with your knees bent and your ass in the air. Position your feet flat on the bed, then rub your cocks against your ass. Then stroke those wet cocks in a circular motion up and down your ass. When you cum, take a step back and slowly lift your legs. Run your fingers down your pussy, then get behind your belly and spread your legs for me.”

The AI gets philosophical

“The best sexual position is the one you find yourself in at the moment, and also where you’re least likely to be judged. If your sex life is more of a struggle than a destination, it’s time to go somewhere else. So much of the most compelling life questions you ever wanted to know were born from some of the most disappointing (and rarely sexy) situations in your sex life. Don’t start dating when you’ve already had a lover once. The proof is in the pudding.”