Most of us have had lousy jobs and famous people are no exception. Of course, there are your ordinary crappy jobs and then there are those jobs that are truly weird– either because you would feel kind of uncomfortable around anyone who did them, or they don’t fit what we know about the person at all.
So let’s roll up 9 of the weirdest jobs held by celebrities before they became famous — because we all have to start somewhere.
The job: Drug Dealer
Yes, despite his wholesome every-man family guy persona, Tim Allen was once just a sleazy drug dealer. Hell, he was even arrested for it. Sure, lots of people do and sell drugs and by itself it’s not that weird but the idea that Good Family Man Tim Allen was once hauled away and thrown in prison for dealing coke is not only weird but really, really funny.
Then again, you’d probably have to do mountains of cocaine to live with yourself if you spent your days grunting like a buffoon and your nights hanging out with Larry the Cable Guy. Still, the idea that Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor was once basically Walter White is more than enough to get him on this list. I just wonder what Wilson would say about all this.
The job: Clown
Before he was famous, Wolverine performed as a clown at parties, which makes sense when you consider that Professor X once worked as a mime before people became so annoyed that they broke his back, shaved his head and left him lying in the street. Or maybe that was just some weird fever dream of mine, who knows?
Seriously though, clowns are weird and creepy. They are like an acid flashback come to life, they get all up in your personal space and because they have all that makeup on you can never really tell what they’re actually thinking. Then again, anyone who has watched Hugh Jackman prance around on stage at the Tony Awards or on Broadway probably isn’t that surprised that the dude has a background that is so, uh, theatrical.
The job: Phone Sex Operator
Oh, God. Imagine calling up one of those 1-900 numbers and being met by the voice of Whoopi Goldberg, saying filthy and profane things into your ear. Seriously, think about it right now. And then take ten minutes to cry and scrub your brain with bleach. I would say more but I’m pretty sure talking about this is considered a violation of the Geneva Convention so let’s just move on.
The job: Set Dresser in the porn industry
Once upon a time Don Draper was little more than a gofer on the set of pornos. He was basically Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Boogie Nights, making sure that props were in the right place and all of the boring shit that nobody thinks about when they’ve got their pants around their ankles and their hands around their… well, you get the idea.
Not only is the job of set dresser for porn impressively weird all on its own, the idea that this is what Don Draper of all people once did just to get by makes it really, really weird. I could see Roger Sterling doing something like this – probably just for fun – but Don? No way. I guess this just goes to show that there’s hope for everyone.
The job: Coffin Polisher
The original and best Bond spent his pre-spy years doing several odd jobs, the oddest of which has to be this coffin polisher thing, right? Seriously, what in the hell is that? It sounds like a euphemism for masturbation. There’s mundane and then there’s polishing coffins for eight hours a day until you eventually go insane and climb inside of one because you realize that you’re spending your life polishing boxes meant for rotting dead people.
To be fair, if anyone could make the world of coffin polishing look glamorous, it’s ol’ 007, and sure we can only assume he banged some chick named Labia Majora or something in one of them because that is just the way of the gentleman spy but still, no man should ever have to be around a coffin until his relatives are wheeling his decrepit and naturally expired corpse into the funeral home — not a second before.
The job: Circus Performer
Apparently when he was a teenager, Walken, like most young men, took a part time job as a circus performer. Wait… what?
Okay fine, if we’re being honest with ourselves, there really isn’t a job on Earth that would seem too weird for Christopher Walken. You could tell me that he once spent a summer harvesting alien eggs for NASA and I’d believe you. But since it’s Christopher Walken he couldn’t be just any old circus performer. He was no trapeze artist, no mere clown like a common Jackman, but a goddamn lion tamer. That’s right, as a teenager Christopher Walken tamed lions. And the scariest part is, is that you just read that without batting an eyelash because he’s Christopher Walken. Of course he did.
The job: Something called a Hike Master at an Indian burial ground
No, really, what in the hell is a Hike Master at an Indian burial ground? I mean, I get the concept of a hike master – I guess, even though it’s a pretty ridiculous term – and I know what an Indian burial ground is, but how in the hell do those two things go together? Was she leading tours through a goddamn Indian graveyard? That’s, uh, that’s pretty weird, right?
I’m assuming her brazen violation of the Indians’ resting space resulted in her being cursed to live her life as one of the most obnoxious people on planet Earth, a shrieking harridan with a perpetual bitch face that makes it look like she just smelled one of Sitting Bull’s 100 yard old farts. Hell, the dead Indians probably pushed her off on the rest of us as their final revenge against the white man. Sure, we did some heinous shit with smallpox blankets but Nancy Grace? That’s just too much.
The job: Bodyguard for Howard Hughes
This one is weird because it’s just so random. First of all, who would ever suspect that old ass Wilford Brimley, most famous for having the ‘Beetus and for looking like a sad walrus, was once badass enough to have worked as a bodyguard?
And second, as a bodyguard for Howard Hughes of all people. Really? Then again, I guess Howard needed a trustworthy bodyguard like Hallmark Channel Hall of Famer Wilford Brimley to guard him against all those jars of piss and fingernail clippings that he probably thought were out to get him. Seriously, this one’s just too weird. I don’t even know what else to say about it. I mean, it’s Wilford Brimley guarding Howard Hughes. Come on.