>WHAT THE FUCK?! >JESUS HAS ESCAPED THE TOMB! >ALERT THE GUARDS!

>WHAT THE FRICK?!
>JESUS HAS ESCAPED THE TOMB!
>ALERT THE GUARDS! SOUND THE ALARM!!
>WE HAVE A CONVICTED FUGITIVE ON THE LOOSE!
>QUICKLY, NOTIFY PILATE AND BEGIN THE MAN HUNT!
>WE DON'T WANT HIM JOINING UP WITH HIS FOLLOWERS AND STARTING ANOTHER REVOLT!
>MAKE SURE TO WRITE IT IN THE LOG SO HISTORY WILL REMEMBER THIS EVENT!

Why didn't this happen?

Why did the Roman just forget all about Jesus escaping?

Beware Cat Shirt $21.68

Rise, Grind, Banana Find Shirt $21.68

Beware Cat Shirt $21.68

  1. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    Sigh, somehow Jesus has returned.

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      They'd assume pro Pharisee israelites defiled the grave
      A gigachad angel moved the stone, the Romans wouldn't believe a single deaths door wounded guy on the inside did it

      Have christians never heard of grave robbery before? Makes sense since they don't know what NTR is either and actually believe Mary had a baby as a virgin kek

      • 5 months ago
        Anonymous

        >Have christians never heard of grave robbery before?
        Never, what is that. Care to explain?

        • 5 months ago
          Anonymous

          Ever heard of tomb raider? It's a popular vidya

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            Never played it. Does it have grave robbers project ghost images of the deceased to trick the friends of the deceased?

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            are you talking about stories from the bible? that was just various people tripping on shrooms

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            And the fact that no shroom trips recorded in the last 2k years are like this doesn't raise an eyebrow?

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            >And the fact that no shroom trips recorded in the last 2k years are like this
            I certainly can't tell the difference between Bible stories and some stoners acid trip

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            How many did you hear where a person appears to shroomers for days and teaches them all stuff they didn't know?

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            The Bible says the value of pi is 3.0
            It has nothing to teach

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            >Noooo circumference is only 95.5% accurate for them
            So ... not many then?

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            The Greek approximation of 22/7 was far more accurate and known by that time
            Zu Chongzhi estimated it to be 3.14159265 +/- 0.5 around the same time
            Middle Eastern desert cults are not needed in this world

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            The Bible isn't a construction blueprint.

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            I read somewhere that the Pyramid Egyptians used a value of pi that in our numbers would be 256/81, or about 3.16.

  2. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    They'd assume pro Pharisee israelites defiled the grave
    A gigachad angel moved the stone, the Romans wouldn't believe a single deaths door wounded guy on the inside did it

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      Sauce pls

  3. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    Why would they care if they broke into a tomb of some israelite medicine man and stole the corpse? It's just not interesting.

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      [...]
      Have christians never heard of grave robbery before? Makes sense since they don't know what NTR is either and actually believe Mary had a baby as a virgin kek

      foundationalists don't fricking start with this though

      Pilate stationed guards at the tomb for 3 days to prevent grave robbers and to make sure he didn't rise, or be stolen and claimed to have risen, to silence Jesus's followers. It should have been a pretty big deal that he went missing.

      • 5 months ago
        Anonymous

        Maybe the guards stole it

      • 5 months ago
        Anonymous

        >It should have been a pretty big deal that he went missing.
        Why? He did it to shut up the israelites, whose concerns he didn't actually give a flying frick about.

      • 5 months ago
        Anonymous

        >beat someone to an inch of their life
        >brutally scourge that person
        >make that person carry a heavy railroad tie plank some distance
        >crucify this person
        >watch that person stop resisting and suffocate to death
        >stab that person anyways and see blood and water gush violently from the wound
        >leave that person is a sealed small cave for three days in that condition
        >screw off since you know that person is 100% dead after that
        >assume the grave got robbed when people say nobody is in there

        • 5 months ago
          Anonymous

          >screw off since you know that person is 100% dead after that

          That's not what happened. I can tell you've never read the Bible.

          Pilate thought it was strange that Jesus died in only 6 hours on the cross, when usually it would take criminals several days. He was concerned that he was not really dead.

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            Source?

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            Yeah getting tortured to an inch of your life then getting crucified shortens the lifespan

        • 5 months ago
          Anonymous

          >leave that person is a sealed small cave for three days in that condition
          I just think it's funny how the cave was within rock throwing distance of the site of crucifixion

      • 5 months ago
        Anonymous

        Did he though? Where were these guards when the women came to the tomb? Sounds like the grave robbery explanation made too much sense so they added a line about their being guards.

  4. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    Why did Egyptians forget about that one time the god of their slaves killed every firstborn male in Egypt

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      Societies tend to not document instances of all their gods failing. And when they do, later generations view it the same way you view Exodus now. "Nah. Someone else would've told us."

  5. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    Why the frick would this happen? There never was any threat of revolt. The case was closed and Romans didn't care what happens to the body.

  6. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    foundationalists don't fricking start with this though

  7. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    jesus wasnt the only one to be resurrected. something like 5000 dead people walked the streets.

  8. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    According to the bible zombies rose up from the dead and walked around Jerusalem and talked to people after Jesus died. This wasn't mentioned anywhere other than the bible.

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      Bible doesn't mention any zombies, you must be misguided by exaggerated TV consumption.

      • 5 months ago
        Anonymous

        Mathew 27

        50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

        51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[e] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

        54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”

        • 5 months ago
          Anonymous

          Exactly as I said.

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            Mathew 27

            50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

            51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[e] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

            54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”

            Bible doesn't mention any zombies, you must be misguided by exaggerated TV consumption.

            According to the bible zombies rose up from the dead and walked around Jerusalem and talked to people after Jesus died. This wasn't mentioned anywhere other than the bible.

            Excuse me, this seems to be merely be a terminological dispute. Hinging on if one defines dead people breaking out of graves as zombies or not.

          • 5 months ago
            Anonymous

            Correct. It's like when creationists say we "come from monkeys" or that the universe "exploded into existence". A matter of phrasing. But oh boy is a lot of baggage in those couple words.

  9. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    Why would a Roman think that the disappearance of Jesus' body meant that he was back?

    They crucified Jesus, saw him die on the cross, and Longinus confirmed the kill by stabbing him with a spear. Moreover, all of the tens of thousands of other people who had been executed in this manner over Roman history had remained dead. While the Romans believed in ghosts, they didn't have any concept of the corporeal undead, so it just wouldn't occur to a Roman that an empty tomb might be a sign that the tomb's former occupant had been reanimated.

  10. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    What I want to know, is why does Paul never talk about the empty tomb and only mention Mary like once?

  11. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    Romans didn’t care, the israelites are the ones who lobbied for his death and to have two entry level guards watch over a tomb
    You can imagine the Roman’s thinking someone stole the body of their favorite preacher and just letting the matter rest

    Although, those Roman soldiers eventually did do what you’re asking, when the bar kokhba revolt happened and they actually had cause to put something in the record (it was an all out revolt)

  12. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    did you not read the text, or did you choose to ignore it?

    short answer, the soldiers colluded with israeli authorities to escape punishment for dereliction.

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      Yeah, I noticed reading the replies that there was a lot of speculation that reflects ignorance of their bibles. The bible says the israelites bribed the guards into lying about what they saw so people wouldn't believe Jesus rose from the dead. 99% of apologetic "challenges" are resolved by the bible itself.

  13. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    You can't try a person twice for the same crime.

  14. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    The Romans didn't really give a shit about it all, they were just enforcing the will of the israeli elders at the time to try to appease them. That's why Pilate washed his hands of the situation, he knew it was wrong but just shrugged and went ah well.
    >roman soldiers torturing Christ
    They were bored and had a prime opportunity for some entertainment. They probably didn't care enough to bother hunting him down, and no one called for his death after his first one so there was no point.

  15. 5 months ago
    Anonymous

    If the people of 33 AD could somehow know that 1990 years later, we're still arguing about what happened, I wonder how they would feel.

    • 5 months ago
      Anonymous

      >literally wrote everything down in a book that survived for 2000 years by virtue of being based
      >they still doubt

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *