When it comes right on down to it, boyfriends are problematic. Wine, however, is not. There is no ambiguity when it comes to wine— it exists for one purpose solely, and that purpose is to make you happy.
I’ve had both a boyfriend and wine, and I think it’s safe to say that wine is better. In fact, it’s so great that it’s not even 2 p.m. and I’m having a glass right now! Wine is always there for you, which leads me to my first point:
1. Wine will never let you down.
Aside from a potential hangover one might deal with after demolishing an entire bottle of Cabernet, wine is as dependable as they come. It’s always, ALWAYS, there for you. I’m pretty sure Rick Astley said it best when he sang:
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Come to think of it, what evidence can you show me proving that song WASN’T recorded by a bottle of fruity red, or perhaps a crisp rosé?
2. Wine is good for your health.
Boyfriends, generally, are not. Don’t get me wrong here— loneliness sucks and all, however there’s a reason the world’s oldest woman was basically relationship-less her entire life. Unlike a boyfriend, wine lowers your stress levels, is good for your face and sleep cycle, and is basically a total egg in your beer in addition to making you feel warm and fuzzy.
Boyfriends do the opposite of all that, except maybe that last one. 😉
3. Wine will never bore you.
Not only will it never get old, the sheer variety available for consumption is enough to make your head spin (ha ha). Red wine, white wine, boxed wine, juiceboxed wine— the choices are infinite, ensuring versatility of use and intrigue forever.
4. Wine isn’t afraid of commitment.
One of the worst parts of having a boyfriend is knowing you guys aren’t on the same page (sometimes not even on the same book) and spending a bunch of time trying to “work on it” or “figuring it out” or whatever.
It’s exhausting, it’s stupid, and trying to get someone to commit to you is lame AF anyway. They should be DYING to commit to you, I mean look at you! You’re great! I know it, and wine knows it too.
5. Wine won’t be offended if you switch to a new wine.
Sometimes a gal changes her mind halfway through the bottle. THAT’S OK! Wine understands, it’ll just sit there patiently waiting for you to return, if you ever decide to do so.
I don’t think a guy would ever do the same, although if he did that’s a problem in itself. See? Boyfriends are problematic no matter what.
6. There’s a wine for everyone.
Some people die spinsters, but nobody dies without having a favorite wine. That’s a statistic, I think, right?
Related: I could parent without wine, but I really don’t want to
7. Wine literally exists to only make you happy.
As I mentioned, that is wine’s sole purpose. Also a statistic, I believe…
8. You’ll never have to wonder where wine is, or who wine is talking to.
No suspicious texts coming in late at night, no weird girls commenting on wine’s Instagram. You know wine is yours and only yours. You know this because it’s just sitting there atop your fridge, waiting patiently like a true friend and loyal partner.
9. With wine, what you see is what you get.
No surprises. No hangups over ex-girlfriends, no baggage or hidden insecurity or inferiority/superiority complexes. It is what it is, and that’s all it is, and what it is is…wait, what was I saying?