10 remarkably unhelpful police sketches

We're certain police sketches have led to the apprehension of countless criminals. We're even more certain that none of these sketches led to any of them.

Police sketch artists have a tough job. Creating an image from a scared victim’s recollection of a traumatic event has to be difficult, given the scenario. It’s hard to distinguish oval-shaped eyes from almond-shaped eyes when you have a hunting knife to your windpipe.

On top of that, they apparently have no say when it comes to whether or not what the victim is describing is even worth sketching. If they did, it’s doubtful these seven generously descriptive suspect sketches would even exist.

The Mask

Would it be racist to say that could be either Ol’ Dirty Bastard or Tupac under that mask? Yeah, definitely. Why would you say something like that? Anyway, the only way this sketch could have helped anyone is if the guy had his name and address embroidered on the front of the mask.

Cartoon Man

Incredibly, this drawing “helped Bolivian police track down a murder suspect.” Even more surprising, it wasn’t Nicolas Cage. Also, that has to be the worst use of graph paper in the history of forever. The picture isn’t even centered! Unless dude literally had a series of intersecting lines on his face…in which case, graph paper was the perfect choice.

Another Childish Scribble

The police somehow managed to nab this one too.


According to a news article about a recent abduction in Florida, “The suspect may look like a woman, but the three girls who saw him insist the suspect was a man.” Meanwhile, we insist this is the most fucked-up looking thing we have ever seen, albeit oddly arousing. But that’s about where its usefulness ends, mostly because nobody looks like that. At all.

The Man With No Face

Look, if the police ask if you saw the suspect and you did, but they looked like this, just say you didn’t see them. You’re not doing the community any favors by whipping them into a frenzy every time they see an extra from a Miley Cyrus video roaming the streets. Nice attention to detail on those lips, though. Is that Carmex?

Safari Man

Why is this sketch useless? Because nobody who really looks like this would commit a crime without an appropriate disguise, like removing the Hunter S. Thompson costume, for example. The only way this getup would be any more of an obvious disguise is if the guy had a cigarette holder in his mouth and Benicio del Toro riding shotgun in his convertible.

Cartoon Alien

After two women were robbed at knife point in Paris, Texas, Lamar County Sheriff’s Department released this extraordinarily unhelpful police sketch. Taxpayers paid for this labor.


This one might seem like it’s not helpful, but seriously, if this person committed a crime in your area, you would know exactly who owned that disguise. We probably all know a person who owns that disguise. Or at least the person with the mental capacity to whip it up in a pinch and use it to stalk an ex-boyfriend in a manner that only qualifies as incognito to the criminally insane.

Crazy Bird

This menace to society was terrorizing residents of Palm Beach, Florida, going so far as to “whoosh against the face” of one woman. Despicable. You expect whooshing in the less savory areas of Miami or something, but in Palm Beach? That type of thing just doesn’t happen there.

On a serious note, this is what camera phones are for. Was the bird armed? Did police clear a five block radius while it took hostages and made ridiculous demands for helicopters and large sums of money? If not, just take a damn picture of the bird from a safe distance and pass that picture along to whoever is in charge of shooting death pigeons from the sky on the taxpayer’s dime.

Even if the bird did look like this, nobody is going to do anything about it. That shit is adorable. If it’s bothering you, you’re probably just a jerk who doesn’t appreciate the fun and good times that follow when a cartoon bird arrives on the scene.