the idea of this book has been running through my head for years now. finally began writing here. gimme your thoughts on it and give advice. and as the title says, criticize or praise.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_L7gKJoLlqKQIH6CvYG_aLF2IxBKCElFdQUCWs_KrLA/edit?usp=sharing
and if it matters, this is obviously the first chapter of this book idea. plus, it's the first chapter of anything i've ever written. im decently new to writing, though i've always had an interest.
>Akin to the smell of something once lost; the stench galloped across the complex.
This line is just bad. "Something once lost" obviously doesnt have a smell. also there is continual fascination with smells, the first paragraph is fixated on describing smells in this really like clumsy almost ChatGPT kinda way, and then a bit later when you speak of a coffee stain on the Gabriel guy you say you could smell it if you were close, i dont understand the inclusion of these details.
One thing thats kinda weird is that you start with a description of an apartment complex, and then a guy driving to the apartment complex. Imagine a movie showing an exterior shot of an apartment complex then showing a guy mikes away driving to the place, just open describing the character and when he arrives give the description of the place.
There was also another line i thought was like really strange, the one about the door opening sounding like a weak guy doing push-ups and cracking his bones or something. I'm sure you understand that the comparisons you use are giving an aesthetic quality to the thing, but the comparison is super oblique to me, its pretty far out there. Also theres tons of descriptions of little details, some aren't too bad like I like the line about the cushions inviting in crumpled business cards, but some of the small details i think youre underlining too much, like just giving random things descriptions past the point of adding aesthetic quality and just towards like adding more words you know?
>deaths gracious touch was no more than a fly to him. He was indifferent to it.
You dont need both lines here, we understand that when its compared to a fly it's just a small issue to him.
>Upon walking further into the room, Gabriel observed more of the room.
Here you have "the room" repeated in a way that feels weird. Just say "Gabriel surveyed it" or something
>...jests, in his own strange way of communicating.
Since we as readers arent familiar with that character were not given any information by being told its "his own strange way" if you said like "He jests. That was his typical way of talking." Or something we can learn what kinda guy he is, but
Ill stop here but seems uhhh pretty bad but could be good, thought some of it showed promise i think
One more
>trees relinquished their waving
"Relinquished" here is just a blunder man, the prose gotta be apt. You dont relinquish a process that you're stopping. A dog doesn't relinquish wagging it's tail. Processes are stopped, halted, slowed, tired, blah blah using relinquished here, while the word is kinda aesthetic is just an error imo and takes the reader out of it
Not OP, but in capturing fanciful diction, would not the latter greentext be an apropos alternative
>trees ceasing in vacillation
ps: I can't write story for shit; just come on this board to see the multitude moronic philosophy discussion.
Nah bro that shits cringe, "relinquished" feels like the evil ice king yielding his evil sword. "Ceasing in vacillation" sounds like you're a nerd
>trees ceasing in vacillation
Is poor writing for pseuds who do not know good writing
Terrible writing from a trumped-up schoolboy who thinks substituting every simple word in their macbook’s thesaurus constitutes good writing
thanks 😀
im more-or-less experimenting a lot with different styles of writing, and how i want the book to be written. means a lot, ty. and also, im curious on what you mean by "aesthetic" in this context.
Aesthetic i just mean stuff that contibutes to the tone or statement that are like sensual. Like in Hamlet when theyre in the graveyard talking about death, the conversation is made much more aesthetic and it contributes to the statement and tone. Like the flavor of the words you know.
Like if Dante makes a bunch of naturalistic comparisons that make his books sound like metaphysical because the comparisons come a lot from the natural/physical world.
"The demon Charon, with his eyes like embers,
by signaling to them, has all embark;
his oar strikes anyone who stretches out.
As, in the autumn, leaves detach themselves,
first one and then the other, till the bough
sees all its fallen garments on the ground,
similarly, the evil seed of Adam
descended from the shoreline one by one,
when signaled, as a falcon—called—will come."
Imagine if Dante instead compared their dissent instead to like hairs being shaven off in the morning. While, with this change, the process of a bunch of little things descending doesn't alter, what alters a lot is the aesthetic.
gotchu
>Amidst that eerie crevice of New Jersey, the apartment complex wept from the rotting stench of laced narcotics. Akin to the smell of something once lost; the stench galloped across the complex. Upon smelling it, you could sense a blend of vexing nostalgia and despair.
jfc Joyce did a backflip in his grave
>stench galloped across the complex
Why does the smell gallop? Does OP have autism?
it's just the smell moving through the apartment complex. do you have autism
But why gallop and not drift or move or linger. It makes me imagine brown smoke clouds shaped like horses when you say the smell galloped, is that what you're going for?
just using zoomorphism. creative language is all
It's bad, man. Way too overwrought for what it is, and it's clear you're out of your depth. Tone down the language and get to the point, stop trying to sound so dark and brooding. Don't use semicolons unless it's absolutely necessary.
>and it's clear you're out of your depth
okay walter white
>and it's clear you're out of your depth.
Aren't we all
from:
>Akin to the smell of something once lost; the stench galloped across the complex
to:
>The smell, akin to forlorn vitality, permeating ceaselessly across the complex
Not better
The smell of broken dreams in the moonlight, surfing around the apartment complex.