I've been with my BF for two years. Things have been going great as we adjust to post-college life. We're talking about getting married and what we want the future to look like. It's been such a fun adventure to share with him.
My BF's social circle is pretty testosterone driven. They all played sports together in college. They still play together through some local leagues, but they hang out a lot too. Not everyone is friendly with one another, but they all share the same interest, so they all end up hanging out.
Two weeks ago we were at a house party with these guys and one guy (I'll call him Dylan) was being a total ass to a lot of people, but as the night went on, he focused in on my BF especially.
Dylan is one of the more obnoxious people in the group, and while some people enjoy his company, my BF and I do not.
Dylan ended up taking things too far and a fight started between him and my BF. The end result for my BF was not good – he basically struggled to get back up while Dylan insulted him.
My BF has (understandably) been seething about this the past two weeks and I've been pretty pissed too.
But lately I've been having these intrusive thoughts about Dylan.
It started when a picture he was tagged in showed up on my FB feed. I just kind of noticed things about him I had never seen before. I'll find myself at work suddenly thinking about his arms or something.
It makes me feel fucking awful. Like I'm betraying my BF. I don't want to find Dylan attractive or have these fantasies, but they keep happening.
Last night I was with my BF while he and some of these people played a pickup game of basketball. Dylan showed up after a while and joined the skins team. The minute he took off his shirt, I was overwhelmed with all of these fucking terrible thoughts. I ended up just looking at my phone to try and distract myself.
My BF and I left shortly after Dylan arrived (BF understandably wanted to leave because he couldn't stomach being around Dylan). The worst part is I couldn't help myself when I got home and I ended up masturbating while thinking about Dylan without his shirt.
I feel so incredibly guilty this morning that I've been crying on and off for a few hours now. I want this to stop, but I have no idea what to do. I try to fight it so hard when these thoughts come into my head. I thought I was doing better, but last night I ended up going farther than I ever had before and it sickens me to my stomach.
How do I stop these thoughts? How do I cope with my guilt from last night?