With twelve days to Xmas it's time we got in the mood, so here's twelve songs to count down the days and help get you through the next twelve sleepless nights you'll be having – quivering with excitement as you wait for Santa to come down the chimney and make his sentence known.
We all know there's nothing worse than cheery Christmas songs about baby Jesus in some manger waiting to receive his gifts from the three bloody kings. I like my noëls to have swearing and derogatory lyrics, I want to hear about the three kings gang banging Mary under the mistletoe, while Joseph fellates a cow, and Santa gets rimmed by Rudolph.
So here's twelve offensive Christmas songs to sooth your ears from all that Slade and Bing Crosby. Let's face it, abusive Xmas songs are just as traditional as the more saccharine stuff – and a lot more palatable.
Hey Santa Claus - Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson
You've got to love any song that calls Santa the unutterable, just for forgetting a bike. That alone makes this song hilarious, but the whole set-up is genius, starting off with a twinkly little sound and then descending into rancid abuse of that fat-bellied ruddy-cheeked advert for gluttony and corporate greed. Ho bloody ho.
Frosty The Pervert
Calling a snowman a pervert, it's base humor, like all these songs, but it's damn funny as well. Distorting a well known Christmas song so the 'loveable' main character is a degenerate pedo who hangs around the kids' schoolyard in a trench coat waiting to expose his frosty tackle and Christmas baubles - it's subversion at its best.
Christmas At Ground Zero - Weird Al Yankovic
There's nothing more cheery and festive than a nuclear holocaust. "Mummy, why is your face melting, and why is grandpa puking up red stuff?" If you squint hard enough the radioactive dust that settles kind of looks like snow? No? Killjoy. Weird Al's not referring to the ground zero of 9/11, but parodying the cold war of the Regan era and a 1980s song called 'Party At Ground Zero.' Peace on Earth? More like Earth in pieces. Let's hope those cockroaches like turkey with all the trimmings.
Mr Hankey The Christmas Poo
It was a close call between this and Mr Garrison's Merry F#cking Christmas, but this won in the end. I like the idea of a little poo symbolizing a non-religious, non-corporate Christmas icon that doesn't discriminate against anyone. If there's one thing that unites us the entire world over, no matter what your religion, culture or ethnicity, it's that we all need to take a sh#t. Hiiii-dee-hoooo! NOM!
The Twelve Days Of Christmas - John Valby aka Dr. Dirty
King of filth gives us twelve days (or carnal ways) of Christmas that would make Hugh Hefner blush. This is one to sing when the family's all gathered together to unwrap their presents. OK little Jimmy, you start us off...'On the first day of Christmas...'
Merry Muthaphukkin Christmas - Eazy-E
This is how Compton has Christmas. F#ck the eggnog, pass me that bottle of cognac and spark up that jay.
The Twelve Drugs Of Christmas - Tenacious D
Echoing what we all really want from the party season, Tenacious D give us a Christmas list we'd all be happy to receive. I'd neck the lot in a drug-crazed frenzy and stay bombed out of my mind until the middle of next spring, when I'd be awoken by the fresh fragrant aroma of budding cherry blossom and the enchanting chirping of the morning Chaffinch. So this festive season, remember, drinking sh#t loads is very big and clever. So snort a line of whiskey and inject some crystal meth into your kidneys. Drug addiction isn't just for Christmas, it's for life!
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer - Elmo & Patsy
As they say on this song, Santa does exist because he ran over grandma so you don't have to sit next to her on the couch, while she stains her underwear with barely digested sprouts, dribbles bread sauce and pisses sherry.
Christmas With The Devil - Spinal Tap
The greatest rock band who never lived tell it like it is - who wants to be around a baby at this time of year? Much better to hang with the Morning Star, he's got all the best tunes and knows how to P-A-R-T-Y. Turn it up to 11 (one louder), eat a sh#t sandwich and forget about St. Nicholas, it's all about St. Hubbins the patron saint of quality footwear! Talk about mud flaps, Santa's got 'em!
Hang Myself From The Tree - The Vandals
Punk rock Christmas, that's something special. If you're all alone this Chrimbo and feeling down, then this song will help encourage you to tighten that tinsel noose and make you feel like an abandoned scarecrow alone and forsaken in a ravaged desolate corn field with a crow pecking violently at your heart...That's the true spirit of Christmas. God save the mean.
F#ck Christmas - Eric Idle
In the great spirit of festive tolerance the Monty Python says f#ck off to the whole affair. F#ck Santa, f#ck holly, f#ck ivy. I want to spend Christmas at Eric's house.
I Hate Christmas - Ren and Stimpy
You've got to love this deranged, neurotic Chihuahua and his over-excitable, gormless cat - Ren sings the blues about how he detests the festive period and all its jolly bullsh#t. Santa Claus, you're a fat bloated eeediot!