Everything there is to know about getting a blue checkmark on Twitter

Ever wonder how people get the coveted verified badge on Twitter? Is it fame? Fortune? Industry hookups? A particular job that grants one the qualifications of indeed being who you claim to be?

Most importantly: is there a way around all that BS? I decided to investigate the mysteries of the verified process.

I like to read the works of great men, and so my first inclination in solving this mystery is of course to study the Blue Checkmarks' greatest toots.

Writers, Animators, Pornstars, Actors. These are all very different people with seemingly few common traits beyond bipedalism, and yet I feel like I already should be seeing something here, a pattern in the matrix.

I chaulked it up to the volatile nature of small sample sizes and continued my research into the checkmarks' great twyyts.

Netflix, Buzzfeed, SNL, Tonight Show… We have a bigger sample size and some of the industries are now more adequately represented. The initial confusion has turned into the irritation of conscious ignorance. Where is the common factor?

I must go on. Total Twitter Verified Understanding -- TTVU -- will eventually come to me.

My digging continues into the shadowy secret of the blue checkmark in my attempts to uncover the secret in achieving the verified status.

Football players, Twitch Streamers, Sports broadcasters… You can't get much different people than that.

And yet it eludes me.

A thought occured. Maybe I can use math to demonstrate to myself that there is something to this nagging feeling that I should be seeing something just out of my grasp. I notice that the Levenshtein distance between the works of edgy comedians and Sex in the City bloggers is 0. On the other hand, the Levenshtein distance between 2HAYNEZ and Buzzfeed contributors is immense.

My investigation is going nowhere.

I decided to email a bunch of checkmarks at random and see if I can get some kind of lead. I started mailing my inquiries on a Friday morning and by lunch time my inbox was already full of pronoun requests and something called "die cis scum."

No, I am at a dead end. I just don't get what it takes to have the noble mark of verified bestowed upon one's person. The truth is out there, but not here.