Tinder is basically speed-dating on crack, with the added bonus of relative anonymity, absence of forced awkward small-talk -- and then there's the general expectation of sex. Because let's face it: nobody goes on Tinder looking for a long-term SO.
That being said, if you are failing at having someone swipe right at you it's time to consider that you might be doing something wrong. While you should never actually date a porn star, who better to judge you than a gang of experts in everything shallow? A video is going viral where an intrepid individual gathered up a bunch of porn stars and asked them how guys sabotage themselves on Tinder. We've distilled this video down into an easy to read article so you don't have to listen to valley girl affectations -- you're welcome.
While the saltier of you might say, "who cares what a porn star thinks of my Tinder?" the fact that these chicks are A) hot and B) completely correct, from a non-porn star POV, is unambiguous. So take note, fellas, and try NOT to do the following:
DON’T: Only take selfies
It makes you seem as though you don’t have any actual friends to take pictures of you. "Automatic disqualifier," opens one porn star.
DON’T: Only have body pictures up, then a note in the bio saying “message me for pictures”
Gross. Also, there's a reason why we put the photo related DONTS first and that's because we've actually already done actual science on what works and what doesn't in our piece How to take the perfect Tinder photo, according to right-swipe science.
DON'T: Post pictures that don't ACTUALLY look like you
Time is money and is not to be wasted.
DON’T: Have pictures from your own wedding on there
“You’re already somebody else’s trash. You’ve already been thrown away.” Bad look, guys.
DON’T: Put up pictures of other people’s kids
Not even if it's your niece. They can’t decide to be on the Internet, and certainly not on a raunchy dating site.
Related: 10 red flags that kill your chances with women
DON’T: Wear cargo pants, or "shoes where you can see the...feet"
Vile. Need I say more?
DON’T: Describe what shows you are “currently watching” in your bio
First of all, nobody cares. But judging by the disgusted facial expressions of the porn stars upon seeing profiles with this shit, to porn stars it also says something more. You're boring. You have nothing going on for you.
DON’T: Mention you're a vegan/Crossfitter, unless you plan on only dating other vegans/Crossfitters
Again: Nobody cares.
I know, it seems as though these are all pretty self-explanatory (dudes- if you own a pair of cargo pants, do us all a favor and set them on fire) but for some reason men still insist on clock-blocking themselves in totally avoidable ways.
Don't worry, though! The porn stars did mention one thing you can do to score some points with the ladies:
DO: Have pictures with your dog/cat
Chicks love guys with canine/feline-leaning tendencies, FACT (again, see our Tinder science experiment). "At the very least, we can use you for your animal if you happen to be a total snooze."
Also DO: Outdoorsy stuff
Even barely conscious porn stars love the outdoorsy stuff, we have now learned. That's so wholesome.
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On a related note, we asked artist and OnlyFans seductress Ellis Cooper to write up a guide on how to score girls out of your league on social networks and it's got tons more useful tips. Wait, we're accidentally creating a whole canon on how to date sex workers -- that can't be good? STOP, cut the article h--
