minor changes, but I posed this after it had been ignored for awhile in the thread.
And I know this is cringe, but to anyone who read this: Thanks. I know most people didnt like it but actually having people read youre work and have an opinion is oddly nice.
Stale log of events. Allan has coffee, goes to work, eats lunch, leaves work, works out, eats dinner, showers, then writes a random poem and cries? Why? Are you Allan? This reads like a new writer’s literal transcription of a day in his life, which I surmise it is. We don’t need so many technical details of exactly what the narrator is doing; it’s fine to summarize. What we do need is conflict. Having the narrator cry because - why? - he doesn’t like his life or has past trauma is mushy and unmotivating. Bring more characters into the mix, and have them collide. Introspection becomes quickly boring. Avoid describing a routine and cut anything that does not advance the story.
>why do you think?
I (the reader) have absolutely no idea. Letting the reader guess when the question is 100% open-ended is not an "iceberg" technique, but poor writing. You need to give us more information.
Your style is good, though. Keep it up. (I don’t mean to be all negative.)
this guy is a moron, the story does what it wants to do
Speaking from the heart, I think you definitely have a good voice, a rhythm that makes this piece better than it should be. That’s more indicative of talent than coming up with interesting plots and just being totally unreadable (in which case take the George Lucas pill) You can always find more interesting things to write about, but you can’t just learn to write better.
But the problem here is that I think Allan is lying. There’s something wrong here. His life is dull and uninteresting, almost comically so. You have him flirting with a bartender, but if he was the kind of guy to flirt with bartenders, he’d do a little more than scroll instagram and be at home, wouldn’t he? There’d be some ambition, some fear of being alone, some lust. Something would impel him to do that, wouldn’t it? Did the bartender pull him out of shell? Or was it his own desperation? And if those were there, wouldn’t he have felt some degree of frustration before flirting with the bartender or crying over his poem? The suddenness of the feeling of sobbing makes me think there’s life teeming underneath his placid exterior. You have him gliding over his own heart, just doing whatever, and that makes him incoherent and thus unreal.
To put it another way, I think Allan’s internal life needs to be plumbed more. I actually don’t hate the character, he’s weirdly charming in a depressing sort of way. I want him to get what he wants. But the internal conflict needs to be exposed. Without wants and fears, attractions and aversions, a person is just an object.
ths guy is also a moron, chat gpt can write amusing looking words about nothing, nowdays you have to have actual substance
https://i.imgur.com/MwWzrgZ.png
I wrote another one. (Does this qualify as a short story? Or maybe it's a vignette.)
if i had advice, it would be to avoid your expectations. as it stands, the story depicts banality. having something to depict is good, but it doesnt say anything particularly good or new on banality.
try telling the story from different perspectives, or including something that shows ryan as a character
Reads off as too fruity. I mean the premise for a man to cry has to be stronger than his monotonous days at work. Plus there's no meaningful interactions or interesting background to make it believable. Alan should experience a scare on the way home, a near miss accident, witness a dumbbell break a man's arm, a chocking at the bar, a collapse of an old obese colleague at work, the hospitalization of his boss, etc. This reads more like a 35 yr old single roastie's depressed life, it doesn't have enough masculine realities, even though you included the gym.
Boringly realistic until the end, when it becomes an unrealistic cliche. The bartender isn't interested in him. On Monday, he'll realize he has no source of income and still needs to pay the rent. Best case scenario is he can tell the boss he reconsidered and get his job back. Otherwise, he's in for weeks or months of crushing uncertainty and stress trying to find a new job. He still has no friends or social circle. A fleeting conversation with someone who is paid to be polite to you is not the same thing.
I dislike the writing. Let's start with your first sentence
>Monday passed slowly; and
A semi-colon is used between related but independent clauses. If the "and" is in there, that's a dependent clause. So it's either a comma or take the "and" out.
>passed slowly... it started
You started your story by advancing us to the end of a Monday, then immediately backed up to the start of a Monday without any transition. "You're here. Now you've gone back in time." That's how your story started.
>it started as it always did
Passive voice much?
>Monday passed slowly; and it started as it always did for Allan Ewasko, Junior Analyst.
You've told me nothing except that your character is boring. And you told it to me three times in one sentence pretending to be two sentences pretending to be one sentence.
But he’s supposed to be boring that’s the point. I spend most of the piece explaining that he’s boring and his life is boring. Also, what’s wrong with going back and forth in time?
If you're going to write a boring character who lives a boring life, and you don't make your prose engaging enough to compensate... what emotion do you think your readers will feel? What motivation will they have to continue?
Speaking from the heart, I think you definitely have a good voice, a rhythm that makes this piece better than it should be. That’s more indicative of talent than coming up with interesting plots and just being totally unreadable (in which case take the George Lucas pill) You can always find more interesting things to write about, but you can’t just learn to write better.
But the problem here is that I think Allan is lying. There’s something wrong here. His life is dull and uninteresting, almost comically so. You have him flirting with a bartender, but if he was the kind of guy to flirt with bartenders, he’d do a little more than scroll instagram and be at home, wouldn’t he? There’d be some ambition, some fear of being alone, some lust. Something would impel him to do that, wouldn’t it? Did the bartender pull him out of shell? Or was it his own desperation? And if those were there, wouldn’t he have felt some degree of frustration before flirting with the bartender or crying over his poem? The suddenness of the feeling of sobbing makes me think there’s life teeming underneath his placid exterior. You have him gliding over his own heart, just doing whatever, and that makes him incoherent and thus unreal.
To put it another way, I think Allan’s internal life needs to be plumbed more. I actually don’t hate the character, he’s weirdly charming in a depressing sort of way. I want him to get what he wants. But the internal conflict needs to be exposed. Without wants and fears, attractions and aversions, a person is just an object.
>good style is more indicative of talent than good plot
I disagree completely. Literary fiction is chock full of MA-Creative-Writing clones who write well but have absolutely no plot, no content, no soul, no meaning whatsoever behind their words. That's exactly why it sucks. Understanding how to mould a compelling narrative and put meat on the bones of a story is FAR more telling of talent than the ability to dress up a turd.
You know, I think you've given me something to think about. When I look back on my own writing, the hardest part really is figuring out how to write something that's more than just the sound of my own voice. What good is all the style in the world if you have nothing to say?
It's absolute dog shit. You write as if you had the eternal soul of a 16 year old emo homosexual.
Keep this shit in your diary where it belongs and don't show it to anyone else.
You have a fine writing style but the story isn't worth reading. Write something worth reading and then polish it up. Allan is a lame character and it would've been better if you'd have just tried to keep him boring and the climax of the story was him eating reheated spaghetti and watching Netflix. Nobody cares if Allan quits his job and nobody cares if he takes a chance on asking out a bartender. At this point we want Allan to jerk off himself to sleep and miss the bus because that's what you've set up.
I actually laughed at the poem. Good humour there. And I thought the ending was clever. The Wednesday paragraph didn’t flow too well after Monday and Tuesday; it came across a bit stilted, as if you had to fill in a 5th day of the week and didn’t know what to say. It picked back up for Thursday and Friday. The whole piece was a bit too colloquial for my taste with all of the references to pop culture, but I get that it’s supposed to be relatable. I think you have some good work here. My only other critique is to work on your flow between sentences; I found some of the transitions to be a bit unpleasant to the ear—a bit bracing. I’ll reply to this post with some examples of what I mean
>Though it was an overcast day, Allan thought that it was nice that he got to see some daylight
I'm no meteorologist, but I don't think Allan would be able to see the sun if it was overcast. Maybe the its intentionally ironic to make a statement about the dullness of Allan's life, but the sentence also reads oddly overall. I'd rather: The sky was overcast, but Allan thought it was nice to see some sunlight. >...and was drinking a beer at a hotel in Mexico. Allan thought to himself it would be nice to be somewhere warm for a week.
I like the repetition of the inane statement 'Allan thought to himself it would be nice'; in this case, I think it would read well to emphasize the repetition by saying: Allan thought to himself that it would be nice to be drinking a beer at a hotel in Mexico. >Rest day
The average, non-gym-goer reader does not know what this term means. It can be understood via context clues, yes, but some more lucidity would be preferred that it specifically refers to not going to the gym. It is a rest day from the gym. >The use of the word hated is jarring here
It is such an intentionally bland narrative that this word is jarring to the reader. I'd cut that first part of the sentence out and just say "he didn't know any better". The strong language removes from the aesthetic you are going for and shouldn't be in the story before his 'awakening' moment. >I mentioned I'm not a fan of the colloquialisms, but I really, really hate (haha) this allusion to a premium tinder account.
The following sentiment about never falling in love again playing on repeat is fantastic, but not paying for a premium account is a weird reason to not match. You should say: Allan swiped for a while, but couldn't find her in his card stack. I think that's better. It's a little more logical.
Honestly, the other paragraphs aren't that bad at all. There are some critiques along the same lines as the ones I mentioned, but I'll leave it at that. I just really hate what you did with Wednesday
You use too many times the same structure in your writing.
Allan did this. He did that, He then prepared to do that, he heeded hedingly to work while his hip.
Unless you are doing this purposefully, which I can also see it as a possible attempt of making his daily routine seem monotonous and obnoxious. In which case it might work, but limit the use of sentences of a similar structure and length to n intentional stylistic choice
the first three paragraphs are very clunky and almost sort of grammatically mechanical, but overall the story is funny as frick, I actually laughed out loud. my advice would be to portray banality in either a more fluid way, or be more blatant, because some of the writing is too repetitive in a way betrays a lack of nuance.
that being said, if this was meant to be a humorous comedy, you've achieved what you set out to do.
Hey OP - is this any different to the one you posted in WG? It looks the same.
minor changes, but I posed this after it had been ignored for awhile in the thread.
And I know this is cringe, but to anyone who read this: Thanks. I know most people didnt like it but actually having people read youre work and have an opinion is oddly nice.
huh, i actually kinda liked it. Especially the end. Although it did start off a bit slow, but the end definitely cracked me up. 6/10
Stale log of events. Allan has coffee, goes to work, eats lunch, leaves work, works out, eats dinner, showers, then writes a random poem and cries? Why? Are you Allan? This reads like a new writer’s literal transcription of a day in his life, which I surmise it is. We don’t need so many technical details of exactly what the narrator is doing; it’s fine to summarize. What we do need is conflict. Having the narrator cry because - why? - he doesn’t like his life or has past trauma is mushy and unmotivating. Bring more characters into the mix, and have them collide. Introspection becomes quickly boring. Avoid describing a routine and cut anything that does not advance the story.
>why?
Why do you think?
>why do you think?
I (the reader) have absolutely no idea. Letting the reader guess when the question is 100% open-ended is not an "iceberg" technique, but poor writing. You need to give us more information.
Your style is good, though. Keep it up. (I don’t mean to be all negative.)
this guy is a moron, the story does what it wants to do
ths guy is also a moron, chat gpt can write amusing looking words about nothing, nowdays you have to have actual substance
if i had advice, it would be to avoid your expectations. as it stands, the story depicts banality. having something to depict is good, but it doesnt say anything particularly good or new on banality.
try telling the story from different perspectives, or including something that shows ryan as a character
You're a total fool.
SOURCE?
it's bad but its still better than anything rupi kaur has posted on instagram
Reads off as too fruity. I mean the premise for a man to cry has to be stronger than his monotonous days at work. Plus there's no meaningful interactions or interesting background to make it believable. Alan should experience a scare on the way home, a near miss accident, witness a dumbbell break a man's arm, a chocking at the bar, a collapse of an old obese colleague at work, the hospitalization of his boss, etc. This reads more like a 35 yr old single roastie's depressed life, it doesn't have enough masculine realities, even though you included the gym.
I skimmed it and I liked it. Will read it more later.
Boringly realistic until the end, when it becomes an unrealistic cliche. The bartender isn't interested in him. On Monday, he'll realize he has no source of income and still needs to pay the rent. Best case scenario is he can tell the boss he reconsidered and get his job back. Otherwise, he's in for weeks or months of crushing uncertainty and stress trying to find a new job. He still has no friends or social circle. A fleeting conversation with someone who is paid to be polite to you is not the same thing.
>He awoke
I dislike the writing. Let's start with your first sentence
>Monday passed slowly; and
A semi-colon is used between related but independent clauses. If the "and" is in there, that's a dependent clause. So it's either a comma or take the "and" out.
>passed slowly... it started
You started your story by advancing us to the end of a Monday, then immediately backed up to the start of a Monday without any transition. "You're here. Now you've gone back in time." That's how your story started.
>it started as it always did
Passive voice much?
>Monday passed slowly; and it started as it always did for Allan Ewasko, Junior Analyst.
You've told me nothing except that your character is boring. And you told it to me three times in one sentence pretending to be two sentences pretending to be one sentence.
Not a fan.
>it started
>passive voice
Fair, I should be more careful with grammar.
But he’s supposed to be boring that’s the point. I spend most of the piece explaining that he’s boring and his life is boring. Also, what’s wrong with going back and forth in time?
If you're going to write a boring character who lives a boring life, and you don't make your prose engaging enough to compensate... what emotion do you think your readers will feel? What motivation will they have to continue?
>it (noun) started (verb)
that's active voice dumbass, your advice is now trash
Bump
Speaking from the heart, I think you definitely have a good voice, a rhythm that makes this piece better than it should be. That’s more indicative of talent than coming up with interesting plots and just being totally unreadable (in which case take the George Lucas pill) You can always find more interesting things to write about, but you can’t just learn to write better.
But the problem here is that I think Allan is lying. There’s something wrong here. His life is dull and uninteresting, almost comically so. You have him flirting with a bartender, but if he was the kind of guy to flirt with bartenders, he’d do a little more than scroll instagram and be at home, wouldn’t he? There’d be some ambition, some fear of being alone, some lust. Something would impel him to do that, wouldn’t it? Did the bartender pull him out of shell? Or was it his own desperation? And if those were there, wouldn’t he have felt some degree of frustration before flirting with the bartender or crying over his poem? The suddenness of the feeling of sobbing makes me think there’s life teeming underneath his placid exterior. You have him gliding over his own heart, just doing whatever, and that makes him incoherent and thus unreal.
To put it another way, I think Allan’s internal life needs to be plumbed more. I actually don’t hate the character, he’s weirdly charming in a depressing sort of way. I want him to get what he wants. But the internal conflict needs to be exposed. Without wants and fears, attractions and aversions, a person is just an object.
>good style is more indicative of talent than good plot
I disagree completely. Literary fiction is chock full of MA-Creative-Writing clones who write well but have absolutely no plot, no content, no soul, no meaning whatsoever behind their words. That's exactly why it sucks. Understanding how to mould a compelling narrative and put meat on the bones of a story is FAR more telling of talent than the ability to dress up a turd.
You know, I think you've given me something to think about. When I look back on my own writing, the hardest part really is figuring out how to write something that's more than just the sound of my own voice. What good is all the style in the world if you have nothing to say?
i dont like this story. i do like being able to tell you that
It's a good platform, but you need to launch off of it by introducing way more tension and foreshadowing.
It's absolute dog shit. You write as if you had the eternal soul of a 16 year old emo homosexual.
Keep this shit in your diary where it belongs and don't show it to anyone else.
You have a fine writing style but the story isn't worth reading. Write something worth reading and then polish it up. Allan is a lame character and it would've been better if you'd have just tried to keep him boring and the climax of the story was him eating reheated spaghetti and watching Netflix. Nobody cares if Allan quits his job and nobody cares if he takes a chance on asking out a bartender. At this point we want Allan to jerk off himself to sleep and miss the bus because that's what you've set up.
I actually laughed at the poem. Good humour there. And I thought the ending was clever. The Wednesday paragraph didn’t flow too well after Monday and Tuesday; it came across a bit stilted, as if you had to fill in a 5th day of the week and didn’t know what to say. It picked back up for Thursday and Friday. The whole piece was a bit too colloquial for my taste with all of the references to pop culture, but I get that it’s supposed to be relatable. I think you have some good work here. My only other critique is to work on your flow between sentences; I found some of the transitions to be a bit unpleasant to the ear—a bit bracing. I’ll reply to this post with some examples of what I mean
>Though it was an overcast day, Allan thought that it was nice that he got to see some daylight
I'm no meteorologist, but I don't think Allan would be able to see the sun if it was overcast. Maybe the its intentionally ironic to make a statement about the dullness of Allan's life, but the sentence also reads oddly overall. I'd rather: The sky was overcast, but Allan thought it was nice to see some sunlight.
>...and was drinking a beer at a hotel in Mexico. Allan thought to himself it would be nice to be somewhere warm for a week.
I like the repetition of the inane statement 'Allan thought to himself it would be nice'; in this case, I think it would read well to emphasize the repetition by saying: Allan thought to himself that it would be nice to be drinking a beer at a hotel in Mexico.
>Rest day
The average, non-gym-goer reader does not know what this term means. It can be understood via context clues, yes, but some more lucidity would be preferred that it specifically refers to not going to the gym. It is a rest day from the gym.
>The use of the word hated is jarring here
It is such an intentionally bland narrative that this word is jarring to the reader. I'd cut that first part of the sentence out and just say "he didn't know any better". The strong language removes from the aesthetic you are going for and shouldn't be in the story before his 'awakening' moment.
>I mentioned I'm not a fan of the colloquialisms, but I really, really hate (haha) this allusion to a premium tinder account.
The following sentiment about never falling in love again playing on repeat is fantastic, but not paying for a premium account is a weird reason to not match. You should say: Allan swiped for a while, but couldn't find her in his card stack. I think that's better. It's a little more logical.
Honestly, the other paragraphs aren't that bad at all. There are some critiques along the same lines as the ones I mentioned, but I'll leave it at that. I just really hate what you did with Wednesday
Reads like early '10s alt-lit (Tao Lin, et al.)
You use too many times the same structure in your writing.
Allan did this. He did that, He then prepared to do that, he heeded hedingly to work while his hip.
Unless you are doing this purposefully, which I can also see it as a possible attempt of making his daily routine seem monotonous and obnoxious. In which case it might work, but limit the use of sentences of a similar structure and length to n intentional stylistic choice
the first three paragraphs are very clunky and almost sort of grammatically mechanical, but overall the story is funny as frick, I actually laughed out loud. my advice would be to portray banality in either a more fluid way, or be more blatant, because some of the writing is too repetitive in a way betrays a lack of nuance.
that being said, if this was meant to be a humorous comedy, you've achieved what you set out to do.
>Ewasko
begone, Ewe dog!