Yesterday i posted an excerpt form the novel I'm writing. I got critiqued and I received lots of great advice, so I edited and expanded the excerpt. what do you think?
 |
 Ape Out Shirt $21.68 |
|
Yesterday i posted an excerpt form the novel I'm writing.
>female mc
another roastie novel for coomers
my mc is the worst woman of all times
it's irrelevant how good/bad she is. Roastie mc is a roastie mc and you are a shitty coomer.
What about the writing?
If I had to pinpoint the most glaring problem with the writing, I would say it's that the author appears to be a homosexual.
Writing is standard just trust me bro first person relaying events verbatim, reads like a verbose list. Fine for a draft. You really should link to a pastebin or the like if you want criticism, if I could have copy and pasted into my response I would have given you a more useful critique.
Sure, thank you. Here: https://jumpshare.com/s/xEvwsmURfJwxK4iY7XWK
descriptions of places and objects are ok
style of internal monologue and thoughts (excluding all roastie shit) seems very simplistic,
characters don't seem to be very deep (even after accounting for them being women)
something I do not like is constantly writing about what is happening "at the moment", you should describe such momentary events only when there is a suspenseful scene and a lot of things are happening quickly (like fast battle scene), such descriptions should not be used often.
Writing is fine otherwise, if you had good characters, non shitty plot and you could probably write a good story
What do you mean with writing what's happening in the moment? Should I just remove the parts where they do "mundane" things?
yes
Some odd word and phrase choice here and there (e.g. "customary pleasantries" is redundant), but apart from that I like it.
>customary pleasantries
That is not redundant, pleasantries are just lighthearted inconsequential conversation, nothing inherently customary about them.
Thanks.Some things gets lost in translation whe I rewrite my stuff in English from my mother language
I think your writing is great. If you can do this for another 80,000 words you wouldn't have a problem getting published.
Minor quibble or suggestion is about how he addresses the soldiers. I feel that the "Soldiers,..." weakens the statement instead of declaring immediately "I am..."
I would consider having him single out a person (probaby someone who looks like a leader or the messenger) and addressing that person directly. "Adressing the dude, 'I am Arthur....' he said. 'Lord of...'"And then in the next paragraph you would say "the man looked at him" instead of the "the men..."
Also I think you want to say "Arthur stood before them" not "before us."
But everything is good enough as it is. Your main problem is going to be finishing a manuscript, not any problems with your actual writing.
Thank you so much anon, that’s one of the greatest compliment I’ve ever received. I am at 20k words right now, but I’m hitting a wall. Thank you for your advice, too. I will put it to use
Consider another thing, leaving out that intro line altogether, the "I am Arthur..."
Since in the previous paragraph there's a mention of Arthur and there's a mention of Excalibur, the line feels redundant and a bit goofy, kind of like, Behold, here I am! Look at me!
If you do withold his full title and position at this point, the reaction of the soldiers to his appearance and to Excalibur etc creates a kind of tension. We know who it is, but we're not sure. Who is it really going to be? You can use that tension to deliver the payoff at a later point (even it comes soon afterwards, probably when he meets the King) where his full identity and titles are actually revealed.
With fiction you are always looking to eliminate redundancy, so if you think he's going to be introduced at the court of the king, then you would not want to do it here. Instead build up the tension, use some hints and then deliver the pay off at the point where it's most appropriate.
That’s actually a fantastic idea. I will remove that line and add some tension with maybe the soldiers not believing he’s King Arthur right away. It will break the monologue and the tranquillity of the scene. Thank you!
It'll definitely be publishable quality after polishing. People here don't seem to realize that, by far, the biggest challenge in getting published is just having the willpower to finish your fricking book. At that point, if it's even somewhat readable, you'll have a decent chance of finding an interested publisher.
I really wish this were true.
It is. You don't understand, when you hear statistics like "only 1% of manuscripts get published" or whatever, they're including all the semi-illiterate and incoherent, delusional boomers, zoomers, and morons who mail in their screeds without following any of the formatting or query guidelines. For actual, serious writers, the odds of getting a completed manuscript published is closer to something like 20%. Still an uphill battle, but doable.
Thank you, and I agree. I don’t think I’m the best writer out there by any means, but with enough work, I’ll make it work.
Hey you listened to my indentation and formatting tips! Just for that, A+ on the writing
I am determined to get better! Thank you for your tips, they made my writing 100% more readable
>shewolf adorned with endless knots
Like the Roma badge but with pentagrams?
Kind of. It’s the Roman wolf but with this thing all around
Ok but if you say endless knot in an Arthurian novel it makes me think the pentacle in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.
That’s very interesting. I hadn’t thought of that, thank you for letting me know. I’ll probably change it something else that’s more clear and unique.
It’s Fine